There Is An Emotional Solution

I realized that it had been a long time since I've stopped by this place.

That's a shame because the solution is here. Oddly, I found myself drifting away from here. Not because I was bored or tired...but because what I've written here works. There was nothing more to say.

I was able to wrestle my life back. An unconscious life that had been hijacked by a crazy ego. The solution appears permanent. I've been here over 4 years and everything is good and getting better.

I had this crazy idea once- that other people might be interested in doing what I had done. That maybe I had stumbled onto something other people would find useful.

If I told you that you never had to feel a negative emotion, or if you did (such as grief) that you would have the means to identify your emotions, plot a solution, and recover quickly- would you be interested in that?

What if you never felt anger again because you had a solution for that? How about a solution for fear and depression? Can the mind conquer and cure all of that? Can it identify and diagnose a problem and apply a solution? Yes, it can. But not by using the same old traditional methods that do not work.

The only time I feel a negative emotion is when I consciously choose to- and that is rare. Once in awhile, I still get caught off guard but that is even getting fairly rare.

The problem that I have encountered over the past five years is that I have found a solution for virtually all of my negative emotions by installing an entirely new and healthy belief system. I literally jettisoned everything that I had been programmed with- things which everyone extolls- things which didn't work.

It's like finding a cure for cancer and not being able to give it away. I know it sounds smug but I have to risk that impression to be honest here. I found something very unorthodox that works.

There is no neon sign over my head that says..."emotionally free guy here." The outside world just sees another human being. A human being that they assume falls prey to the vast emotional pitfalls that plague everyone. Maybe that's the way it should be.

So I would like to think I know when it's time to call it quits.

I have to be realistic. I want to thank the people who have stopped by. If you are having problems resolving an issue, if you have acquired resentments that you cannot free yourself from and they are ruining relationships, if you are angry, scared, jealous, or all of those things..or suffering from the loss of a loved one and you cannot get past it...I may be able to help you quiet your mind and get you to a place of calm and understanding.

Please email me if you'd like, my email is on the home page. I will treat your correspondence with the utmost care and confidentiality.

Brian

Flaunting Religion

For several years, I was haunted by a religious woman. She was one of those people that would have you believe she was perfect. She eats only healthy, organic foods. Never smokes or drinks. Exercises frequently. She wears every piece of safety equipment known to man. She has a master's degree. She never uses profanity. To have her tell the story, you'd think God reached out and selected her to be his ambassador.

Back in the day, this gal irritated me. There is just no other way to describe it. Initially I felt inferior, left out. This gal always made a point of letting you know in some passive way, just how put together and perfect she was. I truly don't believe that her unconscious ego was trying to diminish mine- but that always seemed to be the net effect. Maybe we all have a few people like this in our lives. These people tend to make me question things. That type of behavior begs the question. Inherently, I knew there was something wrong with a God that presents himself to one person but not another. Why then did she seemed so convinced that God exists and why was I an agnostic, a skeptic and a non believer?

The answer as it turns out, has nothing to do with God. It has everything to do with who we are- and what our ego demands of us.

Had I continued to live life in my unconscious state, I think my ego would have continued to be irritated by this person. Allowing this person to live rent free in my head would have taken up a lot of energy better spent elsewhere. How then do we resolve these religious crusaders who make us feel inferior?

The key is in understanding how and why people are motivated. We know that people are motivated by fear- mostly irrational fear by unconscious egos- so we begin to see how people who were given hell and heaven belief systems might be motivated by fear. Given the possibility of eternal life or a life of hell and damnation- she selected the eternal life option because she fears the alternative. It is that simple. Whether she intuitively or truly believes in God- is a question for her to ask herself internally.

Fear and love are mutually exclusive concepts. They are water and fire.

Today I have a belief system that says an all loving God does not threaten me with hell. That those who love- do not threaten the people that they purportedly love. I also no longer feel diminished when someone adamantly believes in a concept of God that departs from mine. I accept that other people have differing belief systems. I do not march my concepts out like matters of fact.

I do not point to the Bible and declare it to be 100% true. In fact, I find 100 percent accuracy rather hard to believe, if not impossible, given the fallibility of human writers. Obviously, I don't know.

But most importantly, I am no longer threatened nor do I feel diminished when somebody tells me that I better get religion or else. I understand that they are well intentioned. That the crusaders are simply acting on belief systems and irrational fears, extolling what they believe to be the word of God rather than the words of men. I let people believe what they want to believe. I am in control of my ego and I recognize my fears. I no longer feel diminished by nor do I find it necessary to defend my beliefs with the crusaders who do not share my beliefs.

I have faith. Faith that a loving God does not select just a special few to receive his gifts and ignore the rest of us- nor punish those of us who simply can't grasp spiritual concepts. I don't see any compelling reason or need for those who do grasp spiritual concepts- to flaunt them. It simply doesn't make sense to me.

So I am learning to accept people or crusaders without feeling diminished by them.

 

Recover!

Osama Bin Laden was a very successful hater. He managed to turn our free country into a prison camp. As a country, we have never recovered. I am reminded of that every time I see TSA workers at the airport. OBL won, we lost.

A few days ago, a mentally ill man in Colorado walked into a movie theater and began shooting and killing people. That is pretty sad. It's sad on a lot of fronts, not the least of which is our society's terrible response to the mentally ill. Our country thinks nothing of fueling the costs of war everywhere- but spends nothing on our own people. I have to ask...

Are we so incompetent as human beings that we think these things are completely unpreventable?

The truth is- is that as a culture we probably have staved off a number of shootings. People do intervene. Community members often recognize mentally ill people and help out when they can. There is a lot of good in people- good that we most likely will never hear or read about. So it stands to reason that every once in awhile- the mentally ill fall through the cracks. A few of them get by us.

Could the movie theater shootings have been prevented? Possibly. It is unclear at this point who if anyone- had access to this mentally ill person. Who could have intervened? We don't know. The media doesn't relay that information to us. We never seem to learn much about ourselves from these incidents. It's as though they are presented to us in a vacuum- completely unpreventable- until the next one.

Real emotional freedom is centered on a couple of principles. These are non negotiable principles. One of those principles is refusing to be a victim. Ever. Even if someone shoots you in a Colorado movie theater.

By refusing to be a victim, even when you are a victim, you take away the power of your attackers. You do not wallow in self pity. You do not wallow in anger. You are emotionally free.

I will leave you with a news story about two victims of the recent Colorado shooting. One has a spiritual solution- the other has nothing. The difference, who recovers and who does not, will be quite clear to you as you read the piece. http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/lookout/colorado-shooting-victim-forgives-holmes-142413141.html

The Great Lie of the Morbidly Optimistic

Several years ago, I was able to find a solution and embrace the concept of living every day without any negative feelings. Gone were those giant downer mood swings which would happen when things didn't go my way. Every day became a good day. Even the bad ones. Does that make sense? If I can convey this thought with a little precision- it should. 

In my past life, the one that occurred prior to 2007, I can only describe my life as depressed. Moody at the very best. I could not see the good in anything. I actually had a co-worker call me Chief Black Cloud. In as much as I was depressed- and my co-worker had given me an accurate description- I simply had no solution. None.

My solution, as it came about, was divinely inspired. It did not come via a therapist or a prescription bottle. It did not come because people pointed out flaws or teased me. To say that I am responsible for it is simply ridiculous. And while I was evolving out of that dark place...there were the antagonists.

Over the years I have met a small class of people which I refer to as the morbidly optimistic. That class of people who refuse to discuss anything so long as they deem it potentially threatening to their eternal optimism. Everything is measured and weighed according to their internal controls.

Here is the key. The morbidly optimistic believe that if they remain focused on positive things or outcomes- that only positive things will happen to them. They want the whole world to see them as happy people. Spreading joy and goodwill wherever they go. It is incredibly important to them that others recognize this. They worship the day and refuse to acknowledge the night.

The great lie of the morbidly optimistic is that if they simply ignore bad things- the bad things will go away. Only good things will happen to them. When those bad things come, they gloss over it. Pretend it doesn't bother them and tell others that they are are fine when they are not.  Part of that I think comes from a cultural or emotional dishonesty that we practice.

Honestly, I find the morbidly optimistic incredibly annoying. I agree with their goals- I simply disagree with their methodology which tends to involve labeling things as bad, denying the existence of bad things, or both. So if I want emotional calm and happiness in my life without coming off like some optimistic crusader in denial- how do I do that? 

Many years ago, I realized that my denial of the damaging or bad events in life- led to my emotional unpreparedness when adverse things happened. When bad things happen- the damage was made worse because I had not prepared for it nor did I have the means of managing it. The other problem, the real issue, was labeling things as bad to begin with. Why does everything have to be good or bad? Can't things just be?

So I embarked on a two part mission. I would never deny the bad things in life. I would realize and accept that things go bad. That illnesses occur. That people and pets die. That pipes clog and break and the neighbor's dog poops in my yard. That people are depressed and hurting. They have not found the way out yet. That is life. None of it is a mystery nor does my denial of it make it go away. I am prepared. I fix the pipes and pick up the poop. But the most important thing I have done- was that I quit labeling life as good or bad. Life just is. Every day is enjoyable not because I deny bad things- but because I embrace them. I am prepared for them. 

I am as perfectly comfortable talking about any of the "depressing" things in life as I am talking about all of the good and uplifting things. I see optimism and pessimism as valid perspectives. I attach no more credibility to one than the other. I don't label life that way- although I have to use traditional labels- to convey that point here. When we prepare for all outcomes- good or bad- we no longer see life the same way. We are embracing and practicing emotional honesty; optimism becomes a side effect of the way we view things.

I still have a few morbidly optimistic people in my life who seem to be more than happy to tell me how I should be living. Very often, I simply giggle at the nauseating promotion and positive spin they put on everything. I am ok with it and I find that the morbidly optimistic are not as annoying as they once were. My days are all enjoyable now- not because I label them good or bad- but because I see them in a different way. They are just days.






 
 

 

Understanding Lies

Earlier this week, I was having a conversation with a friend who was upset that she had been deceived or "lied" to. The problem was compounded, in her mind, because the deception had occurred via people that were near and dear to her.

Very often, dominant type people, fear being taken advantage of more than any other personality type. While a social butterfly fears exclusion...or a controlled personality fears criticism of their work...a dominant personality type fears being taken advantage of. Very often, ego driven dominant types think that they are intellectually and morally superior to others. Therefore it stands to reason that dominant types hate being lied to. 

I understand dominant types well. I number among them. There was a day when being lied to bothered me immensely. I took things personally. I played the victim and believed I was morally superior and honest. I realize now that I was wrong. In fact, understanding that I was wrong was key to becoming well. There is one other problem with trying to get through to dominant types who are looking for understanding.

Dominant types tend to think they are smarter than you. This becomes a major hurdle for them to overcome because they practice an unconscious ritual we call "contempt prior to investigation." They think they already know every thing. The problem with that mindset is obvious. If they knew everything already- why then would someone lying to them- still hurt and bother them? Wouldn't they know the solution? The truth is- dominant types don't think there is a solution because they believe they would have already discovered it. It isn't until dominant people become humble- that they become teachable. 


For a quarter century as a police officer, people lied to me everyday. I was not able to process that effectively at the time. I took their lies personally as though every one of them- thought I was so dumb that I believed their ridiculous stories and alibis. Emotionally I was never really able to find a solution and I have to say- all of those lies had a compounding and depressing effect on me. I viewed liars with contempt. Because I dealt with thousands of them, I began to think that I was the last honest guy on the planet. Of course I was wrong. In a fit of humility and irony, I realized that I was just lying to myself. The emotional solution to all of this came to me through a series of events in New Orleans. I cannot recap that bizarre history- but what I will offer up is a basic understanding for why we ALL lie and how I was able to deal with that effectively.

In the beginning, each of us are raised and taught like animals. We are taught using a series of rewards and punishment themes. When we do good we are rewarded with kind and gentle gestures, smiles, positive attention, maybe even some candy. When we make mistakes we are punished. Punishment is painful. We are scolded, abandoned, yelled at. Any affection is withdrawn. There are angry looks and words. Sometimes we are isolated or hit. We learn to cry and we learn shame and guilt. It is emotionally and physically painful.


Thus, we learn to lie. We can't possibly measure up to the world's expectations of perfection. So as we grow, when we screw up, we fear the consequences. And very often- lying works. It allows us to escape punishment.


So we live our lives seeking rewards and avoiding punishment at all costs. And of course, we are confronted with choices. Choices that ultimately will lead us to lie or to omit items that are part of the truth. The only thing that changes- is the amount and degree to which we lie. Some people tell a few lies...for others...everything is a lie.

Understanding why people lie is no longer a big mystery to me. In fact, it doesn't even grab that much attention any more. People are not trying to damage each other- they are simply trying to avoid punishment. Lying is not some malicious or personal attack that we are required to get upset about. People have been lying since the dawn of time. That's what people do. People lie to avoid punishment. People fail- time and time again. But they don't lie to hurt us. Hurting me has never been the motive of any of the lies told to me by liars during the course of my life. People are just being people. The difference for me now is that I understand all of that. But most importantly, I am ok with that. In fact, I don't take it personally nor do I let it get to me. It all seems like a giant waste of energy to me.

One other thing. When I became humble- I became teachable. When I quit thinking I knew everything, when I quit practicing contempt prior to investigation, when I actually started listening to wise people instead of talking, my life improved dramatically. That's how I got ok with all of this. So it is...

I have never learned one thing while talking. This is no exception. It's a damn shame that we learn these things and can't pass them along.

Making Miracles Happen

For the past several years, I have been working very hard to destroy my ego as it exists. I find ego or a false sense of self (particularly at this stage of my life) quite un-necessary.

Oh...the possibilities. Miracles.

We sell this false sense of who we are- to the world. It is emotionally dishonest. It is not who we are or what we are. Often, we are still trying to escape punishment and obtain rewards. That, quite frankly, is how we live our lives. Think about that for a moment. Aren't we always trying to escape punishment? Guilt?

Can it be that simple? Sure. In fact, I'm not sure it was ever any more complicated than that. We seek success because we fear poverty, social isolation, criticism and all the things that come when we fail to achieve success. Success is the reward, poverty and social isolation is the punishment. We are all motivated by our fears. Our ego will do just about anything- to get what it thinks it needs- even if fulfilling those needs leaves a path of destruction.

I know all of this. If ego, or a false sense of self is so destructive, why then do we possess ego? There must be some reason. I have struggled with this for a few years now, desperately trying to figure out what the upside to ego is. I have not been able to find a satisfactory answer.

Ego allows us to achieve success.

Is it possible to be emotionally honest and successful by reducing existing ego to only traceable amounts? Yes, I think so.

Had I known this formula as a young man, I think I might have moved mountains. At this stage in my life- I am not sure that any of this is important to me anymore. I spent a lifetime selling a false sense of self (me) to the world. Now in my early fifties and financially secure- the juice just isn't worth the squeeze. My fears have been allayed, my needs met. I can relax. I do not feed an ego that has long been in need of a diet plan.

So here is the tribal knowledge that I am trying to transmit. Ego is wildly destructive. It causes most if not all- of the friction in our lives. Is it possible to be successful with an unconscious and out of control ego? Yes, I know this because I am proof of that. I have seen other people, egoically quite similar to me, who claw their way to the top as well. Often, they leave a wake of destruction behind them. Had I been in control of my ego, that is to say- aware of it and it's destructive nature, I think I might have been far more successful in terms of relationships with people. I think the journey would have been much easier as I sought to help others first rather than the other way around. When people know you care about them and you give them priority- miracles happen. Doors open. The people in your life will go out of their way to help you. That includes everyone from your inner circle to the outer banks.

Miracles can and do happen. Often, you just have to get out of the way.

Become The Person You Want To Be With

I got divorced in 2007. I thought my ex wife was the problem. Isn't that why we all get divorced? Isn't someone else always the problem?

Of course. Individually, we all think we are fine. In fact, really intelligent people tend to be far more smug about this than most. It's the other half of our relationships that are always causing us problems. Isn't it?

If I have heard one re-occurring relationship theme my entire life, literally thousands of times, it's that one. Now let me ask you this...

How many times have you met people that say this... "I am the problem. I cannot be a good partner to anyone because the truth is- I don't know how to do that. Would somebody please help me improve to the point that I can become the person I want to be with?"

If you have ever heard that tumble out of somebody's mouth,  please call or write me immediately. Somebody with that level of humility, awareness, and honesty has never been discovered. You'd have a better chance of finding Bigfoot.

Time and time again, I listen to people bad mouth their spouses, girlfriends, lovers in a seemingly endless dance that never ends. You can switch spouses or boyfriends- but guess what? The same thing happens. Over and over again. I know a gal who recently got married for the 6th time. She is completely unconscious.

We all want the perfect mate, don't we? So let me ask you. Are you the perfect mate?

Our false sense of selves, ego, tells us that we are fine. Sometimes that ego has the reverse effect- and tells us that we are horrible. But for many of us, everyone else seems to be the problem. And as long as we believe that false sense of self- we are trapped in the problem. It can't get better. Like my friend on husband number 6.

We can't fix others and we don't need to. As long as we view ourselves as the problem- that's a good thing. Accepting that you are not "entitled" to the perfect relationship means that you might be willing to work for one. Maybe you just aren't that special. Before the work begins, you will need three tools.

Humility, lack of ego or consciousness, and inflexible honesty. Can you imagine- the ego driven false sense of self that I once had- the one that believed I was entitled to the "best of everything" including relationships- with little or no work or improvement? Of thinking that somehow the love of my life would simply arrive and I would not only know and recognize her, but live happily ever after.

I was completely unconscious. Or stupid. Or both.

I have been faithfully working on becoming the best person I can be. It's hard work. I want to attract the very best human being that I can. Maybe even a spiritually correct one. But I can't do that by resting on my laurels and thinking that somehow I am special because my mother told me so. That I will somehow attract the person I want without returning the favor. Sometimes it takes 50 years to figure something like that out- but mostly I think people never do. That level of awareness is elusive and difficult to find.

Just take a look at those divorce rates we have. 

You must try to be the person you want to date. That's honest. That's the best marketing tool. Perhaps if we take care of that first- the other pieces will begin to fall into place.

Are Some People Simply Incapable Of Attaining Emotional Freedom?

I think so.

I am not sure why that is. Perhaps it is an ego that practices contempt prior to investigation or an ego that thinks it knows it all. Perhaps some people just enjoy being miserable, maybe even whiny. Perhaps that is the only attention they receive. These are all forms or symptoms of an unconscious mind. Maybe the problem is comprehension- perhaps making changes is very difficult for certain segments of people. It is this latter possibility that I have been focused on recently.

There are at least nine different types of intelligence. My strong suits are intra and inter personal relationships. I am a complete idiot when it comes to some other forms of intelligence. In fact, I have no real visual or spatial intelligence at all. http://skyview.vansd.org/lschmidt/Projects/The%20Nine%20Types%20of%20Intelligence.htm

I have a friend with a profound sense of spatial intelligence. However, she almost completely lacks any intra personal intelligence. To me, she appears confused and neurotic. I am beginning to realize that we are all blessed with different types of intelligence and thus, we face obstacles when trying to comprehend or assimilate an intelligence type that does not come easy or natural for us.

If a person simply cannot comprehend what steps are needed for an emotionally free life, you cannot force it upon them. They cannot grasp the concept. It's no different than when I try to be an interior decorator. I am a miserable failure. Colors and spatial intelligence are very difficult for me. I have to defer to someone that possesses that type of intelligence to achieve a better result.

These different types of intelligence are fascinating to me. I think you can be very intelligent, perhaps even a genius in specific areas, and be "less than bright" in others. Einstein immediately comes to mind. The guy could barely print his name.

I work with a number of people who I am beginning to understand have proclivities and proficiencies in areas that do not involve intra personal or self intelligence. Identifying those people takes a little time, asking the right questions, and listening. Depending on their answers, I can begin to craft a tactic that will work for them and restore a little serenity in their lives. For those with virtually no self intelligence, I keep it very simple. For those with a great deal of self intelligence, I can explore emotional causes and effects, remedies, and generally go into much greater detail.

This tailoring approach is having far greater success than flock shooting concepts at people and hoping that they understand them. I think the point I am trying to make here is that there are some very intelligent people that will never gain any measure of emotional freedom simply because they are not self intelligent. They are just not geared to understand this and continue to dwell in the subconscious and absent any critical motivation, they won't see any need for it.

In the end, I think an unconscious mind is always the greatest barrier to achieving emotional freedom. Identifying what you are trying to convey, and then identifying what your target audience is capable of comprehending, is allowing me to achieve better results.