tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1288297345398333552024-03-08T04:42:36.544-08:00Real Emotional FreedomBrianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09792103647365097641noreply@blogger.comBlogger128125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-128829734539833355.post-21801457401943566432019-07-07T08:14:00.003-07:002019-07-09T06:19:14.863-07:00The Punishing God ConceptI've never believed in a punishing God. The concept seems preposterous.<br />
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A deity which says, "I love you but I may have to send you to hell." I like to think of that logic this way. Despite the fact that I am a highly evolved deity capable of creating this entire world- unfortunately I lack the capacity to love unconditionally. Therefore these are my conditions for eternal bliss. Follow all of these commandments or rules- or failing that- accept the human sacrifice of Jesus and be saved by grace.<br />
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Of course all of those rules or commandments are too lofty to ever comply with and coincidentally- they seems to be perfectly adapted rules for order in a society of human beings.<br />
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Does a highly evolved God need this whole worship and order dictum or does that sound like a bunch of un-evolved human beings trying to keep the peace because they are scared of the unmanageable? Trying to control how other members of the society behave?<br />
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I seek the capacity to love unconditionally. I threaten no man with hell. I want everyone to succeed. I am simply a man.</div>
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I am disturbed by religion. I always have been. It simply doesn't make sense to me and never has. I am evolving spiritually and the more I evolve and place religious dogma under a microscope the worse it seems to get. Yet I cannot ignore the historical headwaters of the Bible or it's various authors.<br />
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All religions claim to be the real deal. That alone should make you suspicious. Most also have a single thread of commonality- believe or suffer the consequences. Fear based. Fear is the opposite of love.<br />
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Yet, I also don't want to diminish someone else's beliefs or impose my opinions on them. It's not necessary.<br />
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That leaves me with only two conclusions. We are alone and nothing OR we are purposefully here to accomplish tasks which help us to evolve and emotionally mature and thus help others to do the same. Without conflict and barbarism, there would be nothing to learn. So this petri dish we call earth and it's crazy religions are actually necessary components to our spiritual evolution. Without them, we cannot over come our fear of death.<br />
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So we seek something that makes sense. Years ago, I landed on a universal intelligence, something that allows us to evolve. It is the happy medium- something between a heavenly nirvana and eternal hell. It doesn't fit the fear driven dogma of every church- do this or else. Nor does it say, commit terrible acts and then be saved by grace.<br />
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Find something you are at peace with. Do not challenge anyone else's version of religion or God. Do not challenge churches that engage in money gathering or temple building. People have fought wars over these types of beliefs and are willing to die for them. That kind of ego control and unconscious behavior is exactly what we are trying to avoid. Do we have a purpose here? I think so. But that is an issue that must be settled on it's own merits by each individual here and it is certainly not worth arguing about- let alone dying for.<br />
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Perhaps I am wrong. Perhaps I am simply too un-intelligent to grasp the whole punishing God- Lucifer struggle that exists here and I am simply collateral damage in a struggle between two superior beings. Both of which lack the power to love unconditionally.<br />
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I am certainly not looking to speed up the process but there is certainly a part of me that thinks it will be interesting to find out what is true or not.<br />
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Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09792103647365097641noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-128829734539833355.post-18072333537529978202015-08-09T14:52:00.002-07:002015-08-09T14:55:12.354-07:00I Repaired My Life HereIt's been well over a year since I last visited this blog.<br />
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My life continues to be calm, rational, very serene and sane. People all around me are struggling with pain and disease, loss, never ending financial problems, conflicts in the workplace, a government that has left the rails, and even religious zealots claiming that God only recognizes their brand of religion.<br />
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It is of course, all perfectly insane. <br />
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Tolle, in his book " A New Earth" identified the human ego as a false or illusory sense of self. Here is a summary from wikipedia which really captures the essence of what I would like to touch on today.<br />
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In his book <i>A New Earth</i>, Tolle defines the term ego as an "illusory sense of self"<sup class="reference" id="cite_ref-0"><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A_New_Earth#cite_note-0">[1]</a></sup> based on one's memories and thoughts.<sup class="reference" id="cite_ref-1"><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A_New_Earth#cite_note-1">[2]</a></sup> Tolle says that when studying history "it becomes obvious that the human ego in its collective aspect as “us” against “them” is even more insane than the “me,” the individual ego, although the mechanism is the same. By far the greater part of violence that humans have inflicted on each other is not the work of criminals or the mentally deranged, but of normal, respectable citizens in the service of the collective ego. One can go so far as to say that on this planet “normal” equals insane. What is it that lies at the root of this insanity? Complete identification with thought and emotion, that is to say, ego."<br />
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How prevalent is this false sense of self? It is almost as common as two arms and two legs. That virtually every man and woman on the planet is driven by a false sense of self- is not particularly newsworthy. What is newsworthy is that virtually none of them are aware of it. That is the mind boggling and frightening part. <br />
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Here is a fantastic quote I have used many times. It dovetails nicely here.<br />
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"Most of the harm in the world is done by good people, and not by accident, lapse, or omission. It is the result of their deliberate actions, long persevered in, which they hold to be motivated by high ideals toward virtuous ends... ...when millions are slaughtered, when torture is practiced, starvation enforced, oppression made a policy, as at present over a large part of the world, and as it has often been in the past, it must be at the behest of very many good people, and even by their direct action, for what they consider a worthy object." (<i>The God of the Machine</i>)<br />
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So the destruction that has become a way of life on this planet, is actually done by our very best people. Could that be?<br />
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Several years ago, I actually cursed Tolle. Not because he was wrong- but because he was so extraordinarily correct. I found myself absolutely surrounded by ego maniacs. People willing to fight and argue over every ridiculous idea. Why? Because their egos demanded that they defend some archaic belief or opinion that they had long held as a matter of fact.<br />
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The reason that I cursed Tolle was two fold. Tolle's opinions became prima facia evidence when you view how people act and behave. People do what their false sense of self demands of them. Whether it is some material demand of buying the biggest house or landing the most prestigious job- the ego's role is to let the world know that individually- each person believes that they are special, unique, or smarter than everyone else. The ego has a remarkable and dominant presence here.<br />
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The other problem of course, is that we have to find a way to deal with all of that insanity in a constructive way. It is here, it is everywhere, and it is real and formidable. That's what this blog is all about. I had been heavily influenced by insane ideas and opinions- things that most people think are normal and rational.<br />
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Mostly, people don't think there is anything wrong with them. They all have one common thread. They think their problems are all the fault of something external. Therefore they reason, the solution must be external also. That is ego. That is where the whole thought process goes awry.<br />
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I repaired my life here. Years later, my life is still calm and serene. My serenity requires varying degrees of vigilance and maintenance depending on my emotional health and the disturbances in my life. I have conquered the bouts of depression I used to have by applying sound emotional fixes rather than self medicating so that I can sleep at night. I sleep just fine now.<br />
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You can do this too. I think you will find that your life will improve just as dramatically as mine has. <br />
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<br />Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09792103647365097641noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-128829734539833355.post-45007785925504827102014-05-26T09:29:00.002-07:002017-11-06T21:07:40.645-08:00Does Wanting Cause Spiritual Illness?In Tolle's '"A New Earth", I was introduced to the concept of wanting as the cause of spiritual illness. The idea seemed rather simplistic to me at first yet as I reflect back on it- the truth seems undeniable.<br />
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Let me offer two extreme and true examples.<br />
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I had an acquaintance once, a friend who through real estate investments- turned a hundred thousand dollars into about 10 million. This included a successful real estate business that his wife owned and operated. In fact, that business dominated the local market. One day, I saw my friend at the bank. We struck up a casual conversation. Reflecting on how well he had done financially over the course of our lives, I asked him when he was going to retire. Just sell out and go live the good life. I asked him if 10 million was enough and he replied, "I don't know. There are other things I want."<br />
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I remember that conversation well. In my world, 10 million dollars was an absolute fortune. <br />
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I also knew a man worth two or three times that. I was talking to him about his personal jet- a plane which he had just sold. I was curious. He was explaining his jet dilemma. Once he had purchased his jet, he had to pay for pilots, fuel, insurance, and storage. He said he never flied often enough to justify those expenses. And he added, no matter how big and fast any of his planes had been- he always wanted a bigger and faster one.<br />
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The problem with wanting is simple. It dominates our thoughts. As a culture, we are forever wanting bigger houses, nicer cars, more money. We want youthful appearances. We are bombarded with advertising which takes advantage of this giant flaw of ours. All of this wanting and coveting eventually flowers into a sort of insatiable greed that is never satiated. In turn, unsatiated wanting causes frustration and unmet expectations. It is the insanity of our culture. We are never satisfied.<br />
At our worst we are never grateful, and perhaps even deeply depressed- when we don't get what we want. Or worse- when we don't get what we think we deserve or are entitled to.<br />
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This lack of gratitude for the gifts we do have- is exchanged for smoldering resentments and perhaps even jealousy- as we constantly want we don't have and we see others getting what we desire.<br />
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Several years ago, I was able to identify and diagnose this spiritual illness in myself. Today, I am incredibly grateful for the things I have. A little house, a car, a motorcycle. I am grateful for so many things- including my relationships. I don't really need anything else. I am very content.<br />
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Happy people are grateful people. They recognize the gifts they have been given.<br />
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As I was researching the "four noble truths" of Buddhism- my first stop at wiki- offered this. This was the exact same process I had found and applied- I was completely unaware that Buddhism teaches the very same process. I have included it here.<br />
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<span class="mw-headline" id="Illness.2C_diagnosis.2C_and_cure"></span></h3>
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<span class="mw-headline" id="Illness.2C_diagnosis.2C_and_cure">Illness, diagnosis, and cure</span></h3>
In the Buddhist tradition, the Buddha is often compared to a great
physician, and his teachings are compared to medicine. The teachings on
the four noble truths in particular are related to a medical diagnosis,
as follows:<sup class="reference" id="cite_ref-79"><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Four_Noble_Truths#cite_note-79">[q]</a></sup><br />
<ol>
<li><i>The truth of dukkha:</i> identifying the illness and the nature of the illness (the <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Medical_diagnosis" title="Medical diagnosis">diagnosis</a>)</li>
<li><i>The truth of origin:</i> identifying the causes of the illness (the <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Etiology_%28medicine%29" title="Etiology (medicine)">etiology</a>)</li>
<li><i>The truth of cessation:</i> identifying a cure for the illness (the <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prognosis" title="Prognosis">prognosis</a>)</li>
<li><i>The truth of the path:</i> recommending a treatment for the illness that can bring about a cure (the <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Medical_prescription" title="Medical prescription">prescription</a>)</li>
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This analogy is said to emphasize the compassion of the Buddha—that
he was motivated by the desire to relieve the suffering of beings.<sup class="reference" id="cite_ref-FOOTNOTEGethin199863-64_68-1"><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Four_Noble_Truths#cite_note-FOOTNOTEGethin199863-64-68">[44]</a></sup><sup class="reference" id="cite_ref-FOOTNOTELeifer199771_71-1"><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Four_Noble_Truths#cite_note-FOOTNOTELeifer199771-71">[46]</a></sup>
It also emphasizes that the Buddha was presented as physician, or
healer of the spirit, rather than as a meta-physician or someone who
spoke of supernatural powers.<sup class="reference" id="cite_ref-81"><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Four_Noble_Truths#cite_note-81">[r]</a></sup> For example, <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pico_Iyer" title="Pico Iyer">Pico Iyer</a>
states: "The Buddha generally presented himself as more physician than
metaphysician: if an arrow is sticking out of your side, he famously
said, don’t argue about where it came from or who made it; just pull it
out. You make your way to happiness not by fretting about it or
trafficking in New Age affirmations, but simply by finding the cause of
your suffering, and then attending to it, as any doctor (of mind or
body) might do."<sup class="reference" id="cite_ref-82"><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Four_Noble_Truths#cite_note-82">[web 12]</a></sup><br />
Contemporary Buddhist teacher Tamara Engel also emphasizes the Buddha's reluctance to comment on metaphysical matters:<sup class="reference" id="cite_ref-engel1_75-1"><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Four_Noble_Truths#cite_note-engel1-75">[web 10]</a></sup><br />
<dl><dd>The brilliance of this medical model is that the Buddha offers a
complete spiritual path that does not depend on metaphysical speculation
or belief—no speculation or belief about God. No leap of faith is
required. The illness the Buddha refers to is a particular kind of
suffering, and there is nothing metaphysical about it. We all experience
it. In fact, it is said that the Buddha would never enter into a
metaphysical discussion. He stated, “I teach one thing and one thing
only. Suffering and the end of suffering.”</dd></dl>
There are many examples both in the original suttas and in
traditional and contemporary commentaries that compare the Buddha to a
physician.<sup class="reference" id="cite_ref-86"><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Four_Noble_Truths#cite_note-86">[s]</a></sup><br />
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Does wanting ever cease or become satiated? Perhaps, but I think wanting can only end when it is recognized as the source of continual emotional suffering and frustration and replaced with gratitude for those gifts that we already possess.<br />
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<br />Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09792103647365097641noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-128829734539833355.post-32384556524275491332014-04-06T09:35:00.000-07:002014-04-06T13:44:08.667-07:00How I Repaired My Life- EpilogueSo what's in this for me?<br />
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Nothing. I simply wanted to show people that it is possible to get emotionally well and to be genuinely happy. It will require some commitment from you.<br />
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It's been the better part of seven years since I unzipped my old life, stepped out, and found a new life. It probably took the better part of two years for me to make consistent and healthy decisions. <br />
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I think the hardest part of this past 7 years was resolving the amount of guilt that goes along with recognizing mistakes and taking responsibility for them. That's been pretty difficult for me at times. Ultimately, I have to simply accept that I did not know better at the time. I do now. <br />
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My life is calm and serene. I have never felt better. I am no longer enmeshed in crazy situations and relationships. I am grateful for everything that I have been blessed with- including clean socks. <br />
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I have restored the relationships with my family.<br />
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I spend a great deal of time working with others. I use those emotional items I enumerated in Part 4 on a daily basis. I try to help others understand those concepts and regain some sanity and control over their lives.<br />
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There are so many pitfalls and lies embedded in our culture that it's a wonder any of us are sane. There are literally thousands of ridiculous and untrue beliefs- beliefs that have us scurrying about non-stop- engaged in some mindless activity with every spare moment that we possess. <br />
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Somewhere on this blog, I think, you can find some answers. Thank you for stopping by.<br />
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Brian<br />
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<br />Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09792103647365097641noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-128829734539833355.post-14254079641865339902014-04-04T11:17:00.002-07:002016-07-20T23:30:06.376-07:00The Student Appears- How I Repaired My Life, Part 4A series of miracles. <br />
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Before I start in on this section, I think it is very important to make a big distinction.<br />
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In order to get emotionally healthy, an individual must actually <i>make a commitment to resolve </i>their issues. More specifically, you can't simply suppress your anger and superficially believe that you have resolved your anger issues because sooner or later they will come back. You can't simply go to a therapist and listen to what they have to say and somehow magically absorb what they tell you without application, commitment, or work. <br />
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You must be willing to end your emotional misery- permanently. That is going to take some effort on your part. If you are unwilling to do that- the problem may not be serious enough for you or perhaps you actually enjoy some feeling of misery. Stuffing emotions, listening to therapists, or swilling alcohol cannot fix us long term. I know because I tried those things. So I think we must diagnose and actually <i>resolve</i> our issues with solutions that <i>make sense to us</i>. I cannot overstate the importance of this enough.<br />
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In the fall of 2007, this student was ready. I packed my Jeep and headed for New Orleans. My first room mate in New Orleans had been arranged by a mutual friend. He was a horrible drunk- just out of his 4th rehab and drinking. I could barely tolerate this guy. As I tried to stay sober that first month- this dude was drinking every morning, beating his dog, continually referring to his black co-workers as niggers (they beat the hell out of him one night and he got fired) and stealing from me. One night, he showed up with a deer's head that he had cut off a road killed carcass. I was in awe at the amount of turmoil and chaos this guy brought with him.<br />
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I'm not sure I have ever seen anyone more emotionally sick. Like something out of a Dickens novel, I think this dude was placed in my life at that very moment to show me how bad things could get. Within weeks, I had moved out and found a much nicer place a few blocks away.<br />
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I had been sober 33 days when I walked into my first AA meeting, Nov 12. I listened. I was astounded and awestruck by one thing. People actually told the truth about how self absorbed and sick they had become. In many cases, they went into great detail. I had never heard that blend of honesty and humility anywhere. People also talked about solutions to their emotional problems. I knew almost immediately that many of the solutions I needed were here.<br />
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The first of many miracles were about to take place. <br />
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Each morning, I would get up and walk to a coffee shop on Magazine St. to write. In the afternoon, I would walk on the levees, play golf, read, or play cards at Harrah's downtown. One day while playing cards, I struck up a conversation with a woman that I had never seen before. We had a lot in common. She told me she was reading a fascinating little book called "The Four Agreements." She said it was about smoke, mirrors, and light and that she had only read 20 pages. This is the only information she conveyed to me. I actually wrote the title down on a napkin.<br />
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Now I have to tell you that I have spent thousands upon thousands of hours at poker tables. I have never received a book review by a fellow poker player. For reasons unknown to me, the next morning I walked into a bookstore near the coffee shop and bought this book. I took it home later that day and read it. About 3-4 hours worth. It changed my life almost immediately. I didn't actually read this book- I absorbed it. I instantly recognized that I had broken agreement 2 all of my life. I took everything personally. I read that chapter over and over, until I finally realized that people do in fact- act on their own personal instincts. They are all acting out some script inside their heads and not only do I not know what that is- it is never personal. Often they do what they do, irrespective of who or what is around them. <br />
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That simple chapter changed my life forever. I quit taking things personally. To this day, I do not. I've had people ridicule me, nearly kill me, belittle and berate me, and very rarely have I responded to any of that madness in an angry way. I have made a couple of calculated verbal attacks to stop and prevent further maliciousness. I realize and accept that people must make others feel bad to make themselves feel better or superior. It is a spiritual sickness- part of the insanity of the planet and it is an illness that I had for 46 years.<br />
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By the spring of 2008, I had managed to string nearly 6 months of sobriety together and I was feeling better than I had ever felt- I was smelling flowers and salt air, paying attention to people, fully enjoying my life. I was still battling 2 or 3 day skirmishes with depression when one evening- a gal during a speaker meeting began talking about depression. What she said floored me.<br />
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She said that whenever she was depressed she found that she was missing the following things. Someone to love, something useful to do, or something to look forward to. Anytime she was feeling two, or perhaps all three of those things were occurring in her life simultaneously, she would find herself in a bout of depression.<br />
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I did not hear another thing she said. I instantly played back my own tapes. Was that true? Were those things missing in my life during times of depression? I have to say that her explanation was undeniably true for me. To this day, I can instantly recognize or more purposefully avoid small bouts of depression. When I feel the slide- I instantly schedule a vacation or something else to look forward to- which takes my mind off of me. Not thinking about me is another miracle. <br />
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I should also mention here that there are 100 shades of depression. Mine does not tend to be debilitating nor do I compare my episodes of depression to other, more serious cases. So I consider myself lucky. Others may be worse off.<br />
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Gratitude was another miracle. I had never been grateful for anything in my life. I practiced an "entitled" mentality. This mentality is so common in our culture that I often hear healthy, good looking, educated and wealthy people- whining about their lives like they are victims. When I hear or see this- I stay humble by remembering that I was once exactly the same way or worse. This is always a reminder to me- of how it was. Gratitude is a miracle for me. Whenever I feel any self pity- I call on my my new found sense of gratitude to extinguish it.<br />
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I did a lot of reading in 2007-2008.<br />
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I had a friend refer Tolle's, "A New Earth" to me. If the "Four Agreements" changed my life- "A New Earth" became grad school. Not only was I able to identify my false sense of self or ego- but I actually harnessed and diminished my ego somewhat. Trust me when I say- my giant ego needed a lot of diminishing. That was another miracle. <br />
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Somewhere near the 6 month mark, I began to compile a list of instructions that I carried out each day. There were 12 things on my particular list. I would meditate for 5 minutes and then go over my list. I did this every day- by doing this not only was I emotionally prepared for whatever came my way on any given day- but I could respond in such a way that I did not feel shame, or guilt, or anger. To this day, when someone fires a torpedo at me- I very often simply watch it cruise by. I do not launch counter offensives or even defend myself because confrontations <b>always</b> end the same way. With anger, shame, and guilt. I don't choose to live my life feeling anger, guilt, and shame.<br />
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I compare it to arguing with atheists. The outcome is determined long before the arguing begins.<br />
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So what I'm going to do is give you the list that I used and went over everyday (after I meditated for 5 minutes) for about a year.<br />
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1. I will not drink no matter what.<br />
2. I will not take anything personally- nor will I intervene or offer opinions to other people. People are free to live and act as they choose. What they do is none of my business.<br />
3. I will not act on my first impulse. It is almost always wrong.<br />
4. I will keep my expectations of others at a minimum. People fail. That's what they do.<br />
5. I've made mistakes. I will no longer beat myself up or feel guilty because of them.<br />
6. I will practice unconditional acceptance. I'm not going to fight un-winnable battles. <br />
7. I am grateful for the things I have- I refuse to feel pity for the things I don't have. <br />
8. If I cannot accept people, I am free to remove them from my life without feeling guilty.<br />
9. People make time for the things that are important to them. Never forget this.<br />
10. Quit judging people including yourself. Good or bad. You don't know anything about anybody anyway.<br />
11. My ego and fear (false self) are my biggest problems. Do you want to be happy or right?<br />
12. You are responsible for all of the problems or happiness in your life. You are never a victim.<br />
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Each day I went over this list, sometimes I added things. I made an emotional <i>commitment to change my life. I was committed and dedicated to resolving <b>my</b> issues.</i> Yours may be different.<br />
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It took a long time, about two years, to fully assimilate this list into my life. I had setbacks and made mistakes. Every once in awhile I would lose my temper. So the system wasn't foolproof but I will say this- my life improved dramatically. The proof that this is working is in the marked change in the way others see you and respond to you. I think people are genuinely happy to see me now. That certainly wasn't the case in 2007.<br />
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Often but not always, I actually think and care about other people. That is a miracle. <br />
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Will I ever quit judging people? Of course not- however I am completely aware that this is an insane and destructive behavior. Fortunately, I have considerably diminished my propensity to judge others.<br />
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I had three really weird things happen to me. I realized I could no longer engage in my former profession of judging others as I was gaining tremendous tolerance and understanding. There would be no going back- I couldn't be happy doing that any longer. I was beginning to find a power greater than myself and my fear of death was diminishing. <br />
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I was also becoming spiritually calm. Some people call it being comfortable in your own skin.<br />
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I have one other piece to write. I am hoping to have that up next week. <br />
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<br />Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09792103647365097641noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-128829734539833355.post-72298264693321636652014-03-30T01:29:00.001-07:002014-04-19T23:19:17.238-07:00The Jumping Off Point- How I Repaired My Life, Part 3Today, I thought I'd start with a couple of explanations that I think should be inserted somewhere.<br />
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I don't promote this blog. The reason is- is that it is intensely personal. I don't link it anywhere and very rarely do I tell anyone about it. <br />
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If you are here, chances are you arrived here in some roundabout way.<br />
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Secondly, there is no value in telling half truths. Half truths are half lies. In my examination of my life, I came to believe that every one of us is taught to omit the truth and to resist self disclosure. I observed this behavior in virtually every one that I have ever gotten to know. People simply cannot disclose things that are embarrassing to them, things that may open them to ridicule, or things that might cause others to judge them in a negative light. I understand all of that.<br />
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The problem of course- is that nobody learns anything from that. When somebody tells me a half truth, I learn nothing other than the speaker is one of millions of people who are essentially dishonest. That's what we call it- isn't it? When people fail to tell the whole truth- we say that is dishonest. Why then is our entire culture geared to that level of dishonesty? Clearly it is culturally acceptable- in fact it is expected. <br />
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I am going to try and be as honest as possible. I cannot possibly cover every detail; however I will talk about things that are relevant or pertinent to this discussion. <br />
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People fail. It is a fear of being judged and diminished which keeps people from telling the truth. That fear is so overwhelming and pervasive that it penetrates our culture at every level. You will find many blogs of mine on this very site- that talk about fear. Fear is the single greatest motivator on the planet. Fear moves us. Fear has killed millions upon millions of people in every culture. We abort children because we fear the ramifications of their birth. And we say that is acceptable. Fear is the root of all evil. I am absolutely convinced of it. That is the insanity of the planet. <br />
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So I have to overcome that fear to tell you it's alright to be human. It's ok to fail. It's ok to not feel like you fit in. You don't have to <i>fit in. </i><br />
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To say anything of value- I must tell the truth. A complete truth. That is as honest as I can be. The only thing I am qualified to tell the truth about is my life and observations. Everything else is simply an opinion and a potential half truth or lie.We have all heard lies- so it is the truth that is becoming rare.<br />
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<b>The Growth Years 22-46</b><br />
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I became a full time police officer in in January of 1983. I was a jailer. One of the guys I worked with was a huge drinker and we became good friends. I think in a way, and I am certainly not claiming victim status here, he recruited me. We drank a lot together. He died, smoking and drinking, at the ripe old age of 44 with throat cancer. His life and death- had a dramatic impact on me. I have always thought his life was an undiagnosed case of bipolar disorder which he interrupted with nightly bouts of blackout drinking. <br />
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It never dawned on me back then that people drink to change the way they feel. When people don't feel good about themselves, when they are flooded with shame or guilt, when they believe they don't fit in- and can't stop the judging voices in their heads- they alter their conscious state. They pull the plug on their brain. I did that too. At 22- I had a good start on a serious drinking problem. I am not prepared to say that I was a full blown alcoholic at 21 or 22, but I was well on my way. <br />
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Law enforcement is a noble profession. I owe a great deal to law enforcement. It forced me to plot a straight and narrow course for my life. I didn't always obey the law- particularly when it came to rural speed limits or a few other traffic related sins- but for the most part I tried to be as honest and law abiding as I could be. A good cop. After a year or so I landed a job in patrol.<br />
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In terms of addictive habits- habits which change the way you feel- I had at least three of them. I used tobacco products regularly and heavily, I drank light to moderately most of the time and generally every day, and I also gambled on the weekends.<br />
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I saw absolutely nothing wrong with any of that. I remember thinking, "this is who I am." This is what I do. I never had any kind of intervening force come into my life and say these things are indicators of a larger, underlying issue. <br />
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I want to talk a little bit about self promotion here. I have seen some fantastic self promoters in my lifetime. Some of these are people that would have you believe that they somehow can walk on water. They never miss a chance to overtly or subtly promote themselves. It is part of their life plan to rise to the top and usually, make more money. There are other people who are simply good people. They don't overtly self promote- because they are pretty squared away to begin with. I think that many people fall in between these two types- somewhere. Unfortunately, I tended to be more of a self promoter although I desperately wanted to just be a good person. The truth is and was- I was simply incapable of pulling that off. I didn't know how to be a good person. I simply lacked the spiritual tools.<br />
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Had I discovered them earlier- I would have moved mountains.<br />
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After 7 or 8 years, I was promoted by our new Chief to Sergeant. My ego, my false sense of self, began to blossom. My ego didn't primarily manifest itself into some superior sense of self but that was certainly part of my ego development. I became very critical and judgmental of other people. I began to resent people, many of them people who worked in other areas of the criminal justice system. I particularly disliked lawyers and the county sheriff. The circumstances for why I resented these folks are not particularly important- what is important is that I had no method of removing those resentments. Instead of diminishing in scope- my resentments grew larger. I began to accumulate several resentments. I was frustrated and angry at other people because I believed they were dishonest and that somehow I was morally superior.<br />
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Of course, that was not true. I practiced my own brand of dishonesty and I was not morally superior. However, my false sense of self or ego, adamantly believed that I was.<br />
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I did do a lot of good things. But I think emotionally, my problems just swamped and overwhelmed the good things in my life. <br />
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I was promoted to Captain a few years later. My resentments grew. I tried to bottle them up but they spilled out in casual conversation. My marriage suffered, my drinking got worse, and so did my depression. I had no spiritual solution for any of that. I was completely self absorbed but I bottled up most of it. In 2000, they promoted me to Chief.<br />
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The first couple of years were tolerable. A couple of years in- the city got a new Mayor. I saw her as one of the most nasty, critical, self absorbed people I had ever met. Of course my feelings for her found their way back to her and she in turn retaliated which kicked off a 5 year war. She tried everything she could do to get rid of me.<br />
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It's not important who was right or wrong. I figured that out years later. That Mayor was like an ignition switch. I am actually grateful for her now. My issue, once again, was that I had the same problem with the Mayor that I had had with all of the other resentments I had accumulated over the years. I simply did not know how I kept getting them or how to emotionally dispose of them. I simply lacked the skills. In fact, I did not know that such skills were available.<br />
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So those five years were terrible. I was a spiritual wreck. I was depressed constantly, I could not sleep, I drank heavily, and my health deteriorated. My marriage was on the rocks with several separations and an affair. I was racked with guilt and despair. I was hyper vigilant, extremely critical, combative, angry, and distrusting. By the time 2007 rolled around, I was in the midst of a complete physical and mental meltdown. I weighed 300 pounds. My doctor lectured me on my drinking. When my divorce was made final in May that year- I had had enough. I quit.<br />
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In July, I hopped on my motorcycle and toured the entire U.S. It was the trip of a lifetime. When I got home two months later, my last remaining friend and I had a falling out and my girlfriend had left for parts unknown and was with someone else. I think if I had owned a dog, he would have left me for the dog catcher.<br />
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That level of depression and spiritual sickness is what some of us refer to as the jumping off point. For two weeks I didn't eat, I didn't shower, I didn't go outside. All I did was drink and wallow in self pity, anger, and blame everyone but me. One beautiful fall evening, I sat in a park like setting and for the first and only time in my life- I contemplated killing myself. I also contemplated killing a few of my "perceived enemies." That night, I eventually drank myself to sleep. It was Oct 8. Oddly enough, I had no idea that Oct 8, 2007, would be the last day that I ever drank. I still don't know that it will be.<br />
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The next morning I hopped in my convertible, head throbbing, and headed for Las Vegas. At the last second, I changed my mind and headed for my girlfriend's place in Santa Barbara where I confronted her. I decided that evening, after speaking with her, that my drinking days were over.<br />
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I had no idea what was about to happen to me. Let's just say, I believe in miracles. I've got two more parts to write. I should have the next one up by Apr. 6. <br />
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Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09792103647365097641noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-128829734539833355.post-71059373087064789082014-03-27T23:06:00.001-07:002014-03-27T23:06:29.158-07:00I'm BackI can't believe I've been gone 7 months. Wow.<br />
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I had every intention of finishing this series about what happened to me...last fall. I was just getting to the good part and then...ugh.<br />
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I missed a couple of emails and I apologize for not returning them promptly. I cannot believe time travels so quickly- it's like someone threw a fast forward switch.<br />
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So I am going to start writing here again.<br />
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In a world full of wars, infighting, mansion sized egos, religious zealots and atheists, political animosity, class warfare, inflation, and outright thievery...we have to make time for some spiritual sanity.<br />
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Sometimes I focus on the wrong things. Sometimes I get back on track. Please stay tuned.<br />
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Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09792103647365097641noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-128829734539833355.post-9572470908126466862013-09-07T08:24:00.004-07:002014-04-19T23:18:42.924-07:00Did Somebody Hit Me Over the Head?- How I Repaired My Life, Part 2 This part of my life, from age 14 to 22 or so, is the nutty part. This is where I went off the rails. I really can't explain what happened to me. It's as though somebody came along, whacked me over the head, and I just sort of slept my way through this part of my life.<br />
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This was a time in my life when my ego was forming and was at it's very worst. That false sense of self that we present to the world. We become the lie. I was certainly not immune to this. If we tell ourselves lies often and long enough- there is a dangerous chance that we may actually begin to believe them. This is who we become.<br />
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Years ago in New Orleans, I was sitting in a coffee shop trying to sort out and convey these life events that I am writing about now. I wasn't able to do it. It sounded like a pity party because I simply could not see the value in all of the bad things that had happened to me. I hadn't found any solution yet.<br />
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I am writing here now because all of that has changed for me. I see tremendous value in all of the bad things that happen to us and even in some of the bad things that we do to others.<br />
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One caveat that I would like to warn you about here. There is no solution in taking on a victim role. Even if it is justified. Victims get hijacked. I don't care if you grew up in this worst house on the planet with parents dealing dope and turning tricks. That kind of environment would certainly have a negative impact on you. However, there is no solution in self pity. We simply take stock of what has happened, how that has negatively effected us, and we plot an emotional solution. It doesn't matter if your father beat you up 100 times- we are here to get well- and getting well will not require us to wallow in self pity or demand apologies. Your dad beat you up. That is over now. It is time to fix us. Heaping shame on someone else for their mistakes will only cause more damage and waste additional time. How do I know this? Because I have made every one of those mistakes.<br />
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We want to spend our energy on getting well- not wasting time demanding apologies because our fragile egos think we need one.<br />
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I don't think it's really necessary to list all of the stupid things that I did in this time frame. But I think I need to describe it a little. So I will just speak about many of these things in a broader sense. By the time I was a freshman in high school, I was routinely drinking and smoking pot. I was still playing sports but my grades started to deteriorate. I was sneaking out at night and stealing stuff, shoplifting mostly, and returning home before dawn. I was still playing sports but I wasn't doing too well.<br />
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My father had moved to Idaho and was working a new job and that provided a little relief for me. The war zone between my parents had a temporary cease fire. After only a year or so after that move, our family moved to Idaho. So the cease fire, as it turns out, was rather short lived.<br />
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Idaho was like getting tossed in the deep end of the pool for me. I didn't like it. I often look back on my life and think that I developed a bad attitude that I carried for a long time- shortly after my arrival in Idaho. I was 15, going on 16 that year.<br />
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I quit smoking pot after arriving in Idaho. I never really liked it anyway. School was so much easier in Idaho that I didn't have to do much to get by. Sports were far less competitive so it didn't take much to land on the varsity football and basketball teams. I landed a decent job after school during the weeknights and I bought a hot rod. I wrecked it in a drag race, drunk- 6 months after I got it.<br />
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I got in a lot of fights with my parents. Some physical and violent. By the time I was 16, I started fighting back. That slowed my parents down. My childhood from age 8 to 16 was just another part of that war zone my parents called a marriage. <br />
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Drinking was becoming a bigger part of my life. I graduated in the bottom third of my class, primarily because I just didn't care. I had no plan beyond high school. I was living my life day to day, unconsciously. My father got caught cheating and that was the beginning of the end. That happened the night before I graduated from high school. The day of graduation, I was drunk. In fact, I think I went on a three day drinking binge about that time. I went to work for my uncle in Wyoming that summer and my drinking just continued to get worse. So that was my theme all the way through college and into my working life. I drank to feel better about myself.<br />
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I didn't examine this behavior of mine until some 25 years later. This was that unconscious part of my life where I developed an out of control "survival" ego that was completely self absorbed and self centered. All I ever really thought about was me and I think I learned this because my parents were so fully self absorbed themselves. As long as I got what I wanted- that was all that mattered. In fact, I didn't even know that there were people who didn't live this way. I just assumed that everyone took care of their own best interests in some dog eat dog- sort of fashion.<br />
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Deep down, I never really felt good about myself. I always thought I was a bad human being and I honestly thought I was responsible for the war zone that was my parents' marriage. I compensated for all of that by drinking. Drinking became my biggest coping mechanism. <br />
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I had developed some other issues as well. I didn't have the slightest clue on how to have an intimate relationship, yet here I was running around and dating women, doing all of the stupid stuff that young adults do. I had anger issues and abandonment issues. Think about this. The only relationship guide I had was my parents' constant fighting and their marriage. Wouldn't you have just loved to date me? I was a neanderthal.<br />
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It is a quirk of the human ego, that we all think we are incredibly smart. This is a shame- because as a result of this vast intelligence that we think we possess-we sure create a lot of heartache and damage. Imagine how much better off we'd all be if we collectively decided we were stupid. We would be forced to behave with humility and kindness. We would be a whole lot less judgmental because we had already decided we didn't know much. We would be humble and kind because we would know our place as students rather than teachers. Oddly, I think the world would be a much kinder, gentler place- if we could all simply agree that we really don't know how to get along that well. That we are all a lot less smart than we think we are.<br />
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So that's it. By 22, I really didn't know much about anything but I thought I did. In college, I had switched majors twice. In 1982, I graduated from college. From full fledged juvenile delinquent to police officer. As odd as this all seems, it makes perfect sense to me now.<br />
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Addictive personalities constantly want to to change the way that they feel. I was one of those types. I chewed tobacco, I drank daily, I gambled every chance I had. I couldn't engage in drug use because it was such a no-no for law enforcement (polygraphs) even though I knew a couple of cops who did.<br />
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Relationships were impossible. I had no clue how to "have a relationship.". I just knew I didn't want to fight every day like my parents. I figured that much out.<br />
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I think I tried very hard to be a "nice" guy in as much as I was capable. I still had a conscience.<br />
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I became a cop shortly after my 22nd birthday. It was January, 1983. I had a lot to learn and life doesn't really care if you are ready or not- it just does what it does. The world turns.<br />
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<br />Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09792103647365097641noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-128829734539833355.post-68813985577844305192013-06-03T22:37:00.002-07:002014-03-30T02:28:02.118-07:00Life's a Candy Store, How I Repaired My Life, Part 1 In order to write something of value, I am going to have to speak honestly. A lot of what I am going to say in these essays is intensely personal.<br />
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There is simply no other way of conveying truth. Very rarely, and certainly not within my family or circle of friends, do people expose their innermost vulnerabilities. People have been taught not to disclose their innermost emotions. Most people see disclosure as a weakness that leaves them wide open to attack and ridicule. Undoubtedly, we have all felt the sting of that.<br />
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But my mission here is to convey how I acquired all of my inaccurate beliefs and how those beliefs negatively impacted me later on in my life. So please try not to judge my family or myself too harshly as you read this- everyone was trying to do the best that they could. </div>
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My parents both came from rural Montana. They both lived on farms with large families. Other than their own personal experiences coupled with strong beliefs and hard work- they really didn't have much in the way of formal training on how to raise children. Most importantly, they each came from families with moderate amounts of dysfunction and bad beliefs. That point is key to this story. In fact, I never paid too much attention to the levels of dysfunction in my parents' families until I realized the importance of it. Once I understood dysfunction and how it is passed down- I have tried very hard to find the causes of it in my parents. In many cases- I've been able to sort out why they behaved in certain ways and still behave in ways that have not changed much over 40 years or so.<br />
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All behavior is learned. My parent's dysfunctions and bad beliefs had to come from somewhere. Of course this makes sense- their dysfunction came directly from their family and personal experiences. Throughout this piece, I am going to refer to these beliefs and how they positively and adversely affected me. My father was 22, my mother was 20 when I was born.<br />
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As a young child, I had very high energy. Most members of my family have told me this. I remember some of it- but generally not prior to the age of 4. Had I been born years later, they might very well have diagnosed me with ADHD or attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. In the early 60's, nobody had heard of such a thing. Thankfully. I often wonder about the effects of prescription drugs on brains that are still forming. <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attention_deficit_hyperactivity_disorder">http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attention_deficit_hyperactivity_disorder</a><br />
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So I was a handful. At the age of 3 in Minneapolis, I ran away and was picked up blocks away- by the police. I have often wondered what my mother thought after losing a child like that. Incidentally, she has never me what she was doing that required so much attention that I could effect an escape. People make innocent mistakes- sometimes I think our culture goes completely overboard criticizing honest mistakes.<br />
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My father and my mother were unprepared for parenthood. They were kids raising kids. I am comfortable saying this because as I grew older, I began to witness the levels of dysfunction that they exhibited. I could see they had problems. Even as a child, I think I lost credibility in their decisions.<br />
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My parents fought like cats and dogs. They were constantly yelling at each other and sometimes this erupted into physical violence. One of my earliest memories was watching my father drag my mother out of the house and then rough her up in the dirt driveway of the house we were living in. Of course, that behavior sounds insane today. But in those days, domestic violence was tolerated, if not expected. The arguments were frequent enough that I began to form my earliest bad beliefs. Two of those beliefs I carried for the rest of my life.<br />
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That yelling and violence were acceptable ways of dealing with people. Most importantly, I began to believe that I was responsible for my parents' anger with each other. Often they would direct their angry emotions at me- often enough- that I began to believe that I was somehow the cause of their problems. I developed that belief early enough that I never felt comfortable in my own skin. I felt tension anytime my father, mother, and I were together. Relief came when my folks would spend time with their families, or my grandparents. With witnesses around, my parents were far too prideful to disclose the truth- that they really just didn't like each other too much. They were always on their best behavior because part of our family dysfunction was to never tell anyone that you were having problems.<br />
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There's a huge problem with people who don't fully disclose the truth. They are never able to obtain useful, intervening, or helpful advice when you pretend everything is fine. This level of personal dishonesty or non disclosure poses problems that lead to even more dysfunction. Interestingly enough, hitting one another seems to have been pretty common in both of my parents families. Remember what I said about all behavior having been learned?<br />
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So my folks put their best face on and pretended that everything was ok. They could lie to their families, and maybe even themselves, but they couldn't lie to me. I knew what was happening even at age 5 or 6.<br />
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So those are the two most significant bad beliefs I acquired. I believed confrontations including anger were acceptable. I also believed that I was responsible for my parents' unhappy marriage- that maybe I was a reckless, hard to discipline ADHD type kid that adversely impacted their marriage. That it was my fault. Because of that, I felt my first twinges of guilt and shame. I never felt fully comfortable with myself after that. <br />
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My parents were actually pretty good people that simply had no skills for solving their problems or avoiding new ones. I know that now. They got a lot of things right and they tried very hard to be a family- I knew they were trying. They didn't give up even when they failed repeatedly as a couple. I am very grateful for that lesson, I learned resolve and truthful intent because of them.<br />
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For the most part, my childhood was a happy one. Our family moved to Butte, Mt. and I began to participate in sports and trying new things. Skiing, golfing, piano lessons, braces. That sort of thing. My parents were always trying to be good parents and even as a kid, I recognized that. In the end, there was always more fighting. Fighting about money, fighting about houses, fighting about families. My father began to drink a lot and I remember him coming home drunk often. One Christmas Eve, he got drunk and very sick, he was ushered into the bathroom by my mother. Ultimately, he would break a huge mirror that night in the bathroom and another fight broke out that continued thru Christmas Day. <br />
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My father had two emotions. Laughing and angry. Oddly, that is what I remember the most about him. As time went on I would see a lot more angry and a lot less laughing. He never talked about his feelings- ever. Nor did my mother. That was a huge part of my family dysfunction- my parents had no idea how to handle their emotions so they just bottled them up. Or drank them away.<br />
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In fact, the idea that people self medicate with alcohol, pot, and legal medications is an absolutely insane idea that has reached epidemic proportions. Do we engage in all of that self abuse because we have no other effective means of dealing with our emotions? You know what I think.<br />
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If there ever was a town that encouraged dysfunction it was Butte. As my parents' fighting grew worse and worse, all I wanted to do was get away from them and our house. I spent every waking moment away from home. I was playing pool in bars regularly, golfing, bowling, and gambling, (I had a job picking up range balls) being a funny guy in class and getting in trouble with the nuns at my Catholic school. I engaged in a lot of attention seeking behaviors now that I see all of that clearly. I started chewing tobacco and stealing regularly from grocery stores. I had my first drink at age 11 and I loved it. I drank at our Italian neighbor's house every chance I could. I learned how to play poker. I started stealing tobacco when I had spent all of my summer funds. I got caught stealing when I was 12 or 13.<br />
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Strangely after my run in with the Butte cops and subsequently, my angry father, instead of stopping my career of shoplifting- I vowed instead that I would never get caught shoplifting again. I never did.<br />
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One other thing happened that would have a huge impact on me later in life. I witnessed a stabbing, a murder in a Butte bar. When they brought the drunken suspect out and put him in the squad car, I can honestly say that at that very moment- was the very first moment that I ever felt hate. I don't know why exactly. I do know that my career choices later in life, would bring me back to that moment.<br />
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I loved living in Butte. The Butte of my childhood was a busy, wide open town that all but ignored most laws. Butte certainly shaped me. I never wanted to leave. I have to be honest and say that I was a fully engorged- childhood delinquent. I hid most of that delinquency from my folks. But the copper mine was shutting down and everyone was leaving Butte. So were we. My parents were fighting constantly over a house they were building in Missoula. We were moving soon. It was the summer of 1975. <br />
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Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09792103647365097641noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-128829734539833355.post-77484524972764674472013-05-30T08:41:00.001-07:002013-09-07T08:27:08.509-07:00How I Repaired My Life, IntroductionI don't think that anyone learns anything from theory or hypothetical situations that never occur. I never did. I have no memory of some theory or of some incident that never took place. There is no resultant experience. Nothing to draw on. People learn from doing. From succeeding and failing. <i>They feel and they remember that feeling- that is where learning comes from.</i> They might learn from others who are willing to tell the truth about themselves- but only if they share common bonds with you.<br />
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So people learn from doing and from feeling. They can store facts and numbers that were learned in a classroom- but chances are- they won't <i>feel </i>those facts or numbers.<br />
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I remember songs from the 70's. I <i>feel</i> them when I hear them. I remember how old I was, where I was, and how I felt about them. It is this sense of <i>feeling, of learning, </i>that I will share with you.<br />
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How do you know what I'm about to say here is the truth?<br />
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Because nobody shreds themselves on a blog and delivers it to the world. There is simply no reason to do so. When people shred themselves and lay bare all that is bad about them- we discover truth. Once we have uncovered the truth about ourselves, we can accept what is bad about ourselves as so many do, or we can make repairs. We can improve our condition. Nobody can do this except you. Well, with the help of a tour guide.<br />
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We learn from the good things in our lives, of course, and we seek to feel those feelings over and over again. Sometimes we cannot recapture them. Sometimes we lose them. When we lose those feelings, can we recover them? Can we find new and better feelings to repair or to replace them?<br />
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What's so far-fetched about seeking repairs? Things in our lives such as our houses, cars, appliances, even our relationships, all wear out over time. That seems normal to me. When the belt slips off your dryer and it quits working- you diagnose that and you fix it. Don't you?<br />
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So the things that are working properly in my life, or your life, don't need repairs. Those are the good feelings. But the things in my life that are not working- need repairs. That's where I focus. <br />
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I am no longer ashamed of the things that are bad about me, the things that need repairing. Without them, I would have learned nothing. <br />
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Everything that I am about to write about my life and about myself is true. I am doing this because it is the truth and there is something to be learned from people willing to tell the truth. I have to take the chance that what I am about to disclose about myself will help you. I hope that it doesn't embarrass you.<br />
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I am going to write this piece in four parts, or in blocks of my life up to and including the beginning of my 5th block. I am 52 years old. I am the fire sign, Sagittarius, for those who are curious. I am a risk taker. That's why I'm here. Here's a link that sums up who and what I am. I am no astrology buff, but I am in awe at how accurate these things can be. <a href="http://astrology.about.com/od/foundations/p/FireElement.htm">http://astrology.about.com/od/foundations/p/FireElement.htm</a> <br />
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I am going to try and write one part per week. I have to be wrapped up by the first part of July. My RoadKing whispers to me. *Editors note- things don't always go as planned.Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09792103647365097641noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-128829734539833355.post-739936576738923272012-11-28T01:38:00.002-08:002012-11-28T01:40:14.543-08:00There Is An Emotional SolutionI realized that it had been a long time since I've stopped by this place.<br />
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That's a shame because the solution is here. Oddly, I found myself drifting away from here. Not because I was bored or tired...but because what I've written here works. There was nothing more to say.<br />
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I was able to wrestle my life back. An unconscious life that had been hijacked by a crazy ego. The solution appears permanent. I've been here over 4 years and everything is good and getting better.<br />
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I had this crazy idea once- that other people might be interested in doing what I had done. That maybe I had stumbled onto something other people would find useful.<br />
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If I told you that you never had to feel a negative emotion, or if you did (such as grief) that you would have the means to identify your emotions, plot a solution, and recover quickly- would you be interested in that?<br />
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What if you never felt anger again because you had a solution for that? How about a solution for fear and depression? Can the mind conquer and cure all of that? Can it identify and diagnose a problem and apply a solution? Yes, it can. But not by using the same old traditional methods that do not work.<br />
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The only time I feel a negative emotion is when I consciously choose to- and that is rare. Once in awhile, I still get caught off guard but that is even getting fairly rare.<br />
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The problem that I have encountered over the past five years is that I have found a solution for virtually all of my negative emotions by installing an entirely new and healthy belief system. I literally jettisoned everything that I had been programmed with- things which everyone extolls- things which didn't work.<br />
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It's like finding a cure for cancer and not being able to give it away. I know it sounds smug but I have to risk that impression to be honest here. I found something very unorthodox that works.<br />
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There is no neon sign over my head that says..."emotionally free guy here." The outside world just sees another human being. A human being that they assume falls prey to the vast emotional pitfalls that plague everyone. Maybe that's the way it should be.<br />
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So I would like to think I know when it's time to call it quits.<br />
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I have to be realistic. I want to thank the people who have stopped by. If you are having problems resolving an issue, if you have acquired resentments that you cannot free yourself from and they are ruining relationships, if you are angry, scared, jealous, or all of those things..or suffering from the loss of a loved one and you cannot get past it...I may be able to help you quiet your mind and get you to a place of calm and understanding.<br />
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Please email me if you'd like, my email is on the home page. I will treat your correspondence with the utmost care and confidentiality.<br />
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BrianBrianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09792103647365097641noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-128829734539833355.post-37728958635962765802012-08-14T10:15:00.002-07:002016-02-13T06:47:09.258-08:00Flaunting ReligionFor several years, I was haunted by a religious woman. She was one of those people that would have you believe she was perfect. She eats only healthy, organic foods. Never smokes or drinks. Exercises frequently. She wears every piece of safety equipment known to man. She has a master's degree. She never uses profanity. To have her tell the story, you'd think God reached out and selected her to be his ambassador.<br />
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Back in the day, this gal irritated me. There is just no other way to describe it. Initially I felt inferior, left out. This gal always made a point of letting you know in some passive way, just how put together and perfect she was. I truly don't believe that her unconscious ego was trying to diminish mine- but that always seemed to be the net effect. Maybe we all have a few people like this in our lives. These people tend to make me question things. That type of behavior begs the question. Inherently, I knew there was something wrong with a God that presents himself to one person but not another. Why then did she seemed so convinced that God exists and why was I an agnostic, a skeptic and a non believer?<br />
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The answer as it turns out, has nothing to do with God. It has everything to do with who we are- and what our ego demands of us.<br />
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Had I continued to live life in my unconscious state, I think my ego would have continued to be irritated by this person. Allowing this person to live rent free in my head would have taken up a lot of energy better spent elsewhere. How then do we resolve these religious crusaders who make us feel inferior?<br />
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The key is in understanding how and why people are motivated. We know that people are motivated by fear- mostly irrational fear by unconscious egos- so we begin to see how people who were given hell and heaven belief systems might be motivated by fear. Given the possibility of eternal life or a life of hell and damnation- she selected the eternal life option because she fears the alternative. It is that simple. Whether she intuitively or truly believes in God- is a question for her to ask herself internally.<br />
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Fear and love are mutually exclusive concepts. They are water and fire.<br />
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Today I have a belief system that says an all loving God does not threaten me with hell. That those who love- do not threaten the people that they purportedly love. I also no longer feel diminished when someone adamantly believes in a concept of God that departs from mine. I accept that other people have differing belief systems. I do not march my concepts out like matters of fact.<br />
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I do not point to the Bible and declare it to be 100% true. In fact, I find 100 percent accuracy rather hard to believe, if not impossible, given the fallibility of human writers. Obviously, I don't know.<br />
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But most importantly, I am no longer threatened nor do I feel diminished when somebody tells me that I better get religion or else. I understand that they are well intentioned. That the crusaders are simply acting on belief systems and irrational fears, extolling what they believe to be the word of God rather than the words of men. I let people believe what they want to believe. I am in control of my ego and I recognize my fears. I no longer feel diminished by nor do I find it necessary to defend my beliefs with the crusaders who do not share my beliefs. <br />
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I have faith. Faith that a loving God does not select just a special few to receive his gifts and ignore the rest of us- nor punish those of us who simply can't grasp spiritual concepts. I don't see any compelling reason or need for those who do grasp spiritual concepts- to flaunt them. It simply doesn't make sense to me.<br />
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So I am learning to accept people or crusaders without feeling diminished by them.<br />
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<br />Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09792103647365097641noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-128829734539833355.post-73450009271209186432012-07-26T09:42:00.002-07:002012-07-26T10:23:39.829-07:00Recover!Osama Bin Laden was a very successful hater. He managed to turn our free country into a prison camp. As a country, we have never recovered. I am reminded of that every time I see TSA workers at the airport. OBL won, we lost. <br />
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A few days ago, a mentally ill man in Colorado walked into a movie theater and began shooting and killing people. That is pretty sad. It's sad on a lot of fronts, not the least of which is our society's terrible response to the mentally ill. Our country thinks nothing of fueling the costs of war everywhere- but spends nothing on our own people. I have to ask...<br />
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Are we so incompetent as human beings that we think these things are completely unpreventable?<br />
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The truth is- is that as a culture we probably have staved off a number of shootings. People do intervene. Community members often recognize mentally ill people and help out when they can. There is a lot of good in people- good that we most likely will never hear or read about. So it stands to reason that every once in awhile- the mentally ill fall through the cracks. A few of them get by us.<br />
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Could the movie theater shootings have been prevented? Possibly. It is unclear at this point who if anyone- had access to this mentally ill person. Who could have intervened? We don't know. The media doesn't relay that information to us. We never seem to learn much about ourselves from these incidents. It's as though they are presented to us in a vacuum- completely unpreventable- until the next one.<br />
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Real emotional freedom is centered on a couple of principles. These are non negotiable principles. One of those principles is refusing to be a victim. Ever. Even if someone shoots you in a Colorado movie theater.<br />
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By refusing to be a victim, even when you are a victim, you take away the power of your attackers. You do not wallow in self pity. You do not wallow in anger. You are emotionally free.<br />
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I will leave you with a news story about two victims of the recent Colorado shooting. One has a spiritual solution- the other has nothing. The difference, who recovers and who does not, will be quite clear to you as you read the piece. <a href="http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/lookout/colorado-shooting-victim-forgives-holmes-142413141.html">http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/lookout/colorado-shooting-victim-forgives-holmes-142413141.html</a> <br />
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<br />Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09792103647365097641noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-128829734539833355.post-1717278707867701622012-07-13T21:17:00.000-07:002016-02-13T06:50:37.934-08:00The Great Lie of the Morbidly Optimistic<span style="font-size: large;">Several years ago, I was able to find a solution and embrace the concept of living every day without any negative feelings. Gone were those giant downer mood swings which would happen when things didn't go my way. Every day became a good day. Even the bad ones. Does that make sense? If I can convey this thought with a little precision- it should. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">In my past life, the one that occurred prior to 2007, I can only describe my life as depressed. Moody at the very best. I could not see the good in anything. I actually had a co-worker call me Chief Black Cloud. In as much as I was depressed- and my co-worker had given me an accurate description- I simply had no solution. None.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">My solution, as it came about, was divinely inspired. It did not come via a therapist or a prescription bottle. It did not come because people pointed out flaws or teased me. To say that I am responsible for it is simply ridiculous. And while I was evolving out of that dark place...there were the antagonists. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Over the years I have met a small class of people which I refer to as the morbidly optimistic. That class of people who refuse to discuss anything so long as they deem it potentially threatening to their eternal optimism. Everything is measured and weighed according to their internal controls. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Here is the key. The morbidly optimistic believe that if they remain focused on positive things or outcomes- that only positive things will happen to them. They want the whole world to see them as happy people. Spreading joy and goodwill wherever they go. It is incredibly important to them that others recognize this. They worship the day and refuse to acknowledge the night.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">The great lie of the morbidly optimistic is that if they simply ignore bad things- the bad things will go away. Only good things will happen to them. When those bad things come, they gloss over it. Pretend it doesn't bother them and tell others that they are are fine when they are not. Part of that I think comes from a cultural or emotional dishonesty that we practice.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Honestly, I find the morbidly optimistic incredibly annoying. I agree with their goals- I simply disagree with their methodology which tends to involve labeling things as bad, denying the existence of bad things, or both. So if I want emotional calm and happiness in my life without coming off like some optimistic crusader in denial- how do I do that? </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Many years ago, I realized that my denial of the damaging or bad events in life- led to my emotional unpreparedness when adverse things happened. When bad things happen- the damage was made worse because I had not prepared for it nor did I have the means of managing it. The other problem, the real issue, was labeling things as bad to begin with. Why does everything have to be good or bad? Can't things just be?</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">So I embarked on a two part mission. I would never deny the bad things in life. I would realize and accept that things go bad. That illnesses occur. That people and pets die. That pipes clog and break and the neighbor's dog poops in my yard. That people are depressed and hurting. They have not found the way out yet. That is life. None of it is a mystery nor does my denial of it make it go away. I am prepared. I fix the pipes and pick up the poop. But the most important thing I have done- was that I quit labeling life as good or bad. Life just is. Every day is enjoyable not because I deny bad things- <i>but because I embrace them. </i>I am prepared for them. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">I am as perfectly comfortable talking about any of the "depressing" things in life as I am talking about all of the good and uplifting things. I see optimism and pessimism as valid perspectives. I attach no more credibility to one than the other. I don't label life that way- although I have to use traditional labels- to convey that point here. When we prepare for all outcomes- good or bad- we no longer see life the same way. We are embracing and practicing emotional honesty; optimism becomes a side effect of the way we view things.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">I still have a few morbidly optimistic people in my life who seem to be more than happy to tell me how I should be living. Very often, I simply giggle at the nauseating promotion and positive spin they put on everything. I am ok with it and I find that the morbidly optimistic are not as annoying as they once were. My days are all enjoyable now- not because I label them good or bad- but because I see them in a different way. They are just days. </span><br />
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<br />Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09792103647365097641noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-128829734539833355.post-43419429144552705022012-07-06T19:51:00.001-07:002012-07-08T15:23:16.939-07:00Understanding Lies<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: large;">Earlier this week, I was having a conversation with a friend </span></span><span style="font-size: large;">who was upset that she had been deceived or "lied" to. The problem was compounded, in her mind, because the deception had occurred via people that were near and dear to her.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Very often, dominant type people, fear being taken advantage of more than any other personality type. While a social butterfly fears exclusion...or a controlled personality fears criticism of their work...a dominant personality type fears being taken advantage of. Very often, ego driven dominant types think that they are intellectually and morally superior to others. Therefore it stands to reason that dominant types hate being lied to. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">I understand dominant types well. I number among them. There was a day when being lied to bothered me immensely. I took things personally. I played the victim and believed I was morally superior and honest. I realize now that I was wrong. In fact, understanding that I was wrong was key to becoming well. There is one other problem with trying to get through to dominant types who are looking for understanding.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Dominant types tend to think they are smarter than you. This becomes a major hurdle for them to overcome because they practice an unconscious ritual we call "contempt prior to investigation." They think they already know every thing. The problem with that mindset is obvious. If they knew everything already- why then would someone lying to them- still hurt and bother them? Wouldn't they know the solution? The truth is- dominant types don't think there is a solution because they believe they would have already discovered it. It isn't until dominant people become humble- that they become teachable. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">For a quarter century as a police officer, people lied to me everyday. I was not able to process that effectively at the time. I took their lies personally as though every one of them- thought I was so dumb that I believed their ridiculous stories and alibis. Emotionally I was never really able to find a solution and I have to say- all of those lies had a compounding and depressing effect on me. I viewed liars with contempt. Because I dealt with thousands of them, I began to think that I was the last honest guy on the planet. Of course I was wrong. In a fit of humility and irony, I realized that I was just lying to myself. The emotional solution to all of this came to me through a series of events in New Orleans. I cannot recap that bizarre history- but what I will offer up is a basic understanding for why we ALL lie and how I was able to deal with that effectively. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">In the beginning, each of us are raised and taught like animals. We are taught using a series of rewards and punishment themes. When we do good we are rewarded with kind and gentle gestures, smiles, positive attention, maybe even some candy. When we make mistakes we are punished. Punishment is painful. We are scolded, abandoned, yelled at. Any affection is withdrawn. There are angry looks and words. Sometimes we are isolated or hit. We learn to cry and we learn shame and guilt. It is emotionally and physically painful. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Thus, we learn to lie. We can't possibly measure up to the world's expectations of perfection. So as we grow, when we screw up, we fear the consequences. And very often- lying works. It allows us to escape punishment. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">So we live our lives seeking rewards and avoiding punishment at all costs. And of course, we are confronted with choices. Choices that ultimately will lead us to lie or to omit items that are part of the truth. The only thing that changes- is the amount and degree to which we lie. Some people tell a few lies...for others...everything is a lie.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Understanding why people lie is no longer a big mystery to me. In fact, it doesn't even grab that much attention any more. People are not trying to damage each other- they are simply trying to avoid punishment. Lying is not some malicious or personal attack that we are required to get upset about. People have been lying since the dawn of time. That's what people do. People lie to avoid punishment. People fail- time and time again. But they don't lie to hurt us. Hurting me has never been the motive of any of the lies told to me by liars during the course of my life. People are just being people. The difference for me now is that I understand all of that. But most importantly, I am ok with that. In fact, I don't take it personally nor do I let it get to me. It all seems like a giant waste of energy to me. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">One other thing. When I became humble- I became teachable. When I quit thinking I knew everything, when I quit practicing contempt prior to investigation, when I actually started listening to wise people instead of talking, my life improved dramatically. That's how I got ok with all of this. So it is...</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">I have never learned one thing while talking. This is no exception. It's a damn shame that we learn these things and can't pass them along. </span><br />
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<br />Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09792103647365097641noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-128829734539833355.post-78607168269656635952012-04-23T10:00:00.002-07:002012-04-23T22:45:18.259-07:00Making Miracles HappenFor the past several years, I have been working very hard to destroy my ego as it exists. I find ego or a false sense of self (particularly at this stage of my life) quite un-necessary.<br />
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Oh...the possibilities. Miracles.<br />
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We sell this false sense of who we are- to the world. It is emotionally dishonest. It is not who we are or what we are. Often, we are still trying to escape punishment and obtain rewards. That, quite frankly, is how we live our lives. Think about that for a moment. Aren't we always trying to escape punishment? Guilt?<br />
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Can it be that simple? Sure. In fact, I'm not sure it was ever any more complicated than that. We seek success because we fear poverty, social isolation, criticism and all the things that come when we fail to achieve success. Success is the reward, poverty and social isolation is the punishment. We are all motivated by our fears. Our ego will do just about anything- to get what it thinks it needs- even if fulfilling those needs leaves a path of destruction. <br />
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I know all of this. If ego, or a false sense of self is so destructive, why then do we possess ego? There must be some reason. I have struggled with this for a few years now, desperately trying to figure out what the upside to ego is. I have not been able to find a satisfactory answer.<br />
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Ego allows us to achieve success. <br />
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Is it possible to be emotionally honest and successful by reducing existing ego to only traceable amounts? Yes, I think so. <br />
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Had I known this formula as a young man, I think I might have moved mountains. At this stage in my life- I am not sure that any of this is important to me anymore. I spent a lifetime selling a false sense of self (me) to the world. Now in my early fifties and financially secure- the juice just isn't worth the squeeze. My fears have been allayed, my needs met. I can relax. I do not feed an ego that has long been in need of a diet plan.<br />
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So here is the tribal knowledge that I am trying to transmit. Ego is wildly destructive. It causes most if not all- of the friction in our lives. Is it <i>possible</i> to be successful with an unconscious and out of control ego? Yes, I know this because I am proof of that. I have seen other people, egoically quite similar to me, who claw their way to the top as well. Often, they leave a wake of destruction behind them. Had I been in control of my ego, that is to say- aware of it and it's destructive nature, I think I might have been far more successful in terms of relationships with people. I think the journey would have been much easier as I sought to help others first rather than the other way around. When people know you care about them and you give them priority- miracles happen. Doors open. The people in your life will go out of their way to help you. That includes everyone from your inner circle to the outer banks.<br />
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Miracles can and do happen. Often, you just have to get out of the way. <br />
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<br />Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09792103647365097641noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-128829734539833355.post-66735955067352162332012-03-01T00:20:00.006-08:002012-08-14T10:20:48.285-07:00Become The Person You Want To Be WithI got divorced in 2007. I thought my ex wife was the problem. Isn't that why we all get divorced? Isn't someone else always the problem? <br />
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Of course. Individually, we all think we are fine. In fact, really intelligent people tend to be far more smug about this than most. It's the other half of our relationships that are always causing us problems. Isn't it? <br />
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If I have heard one re-occurring relationship theme my entire life, literally thousands of times, it's that one. Now let me ask you this... <br />
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How many times have you met people that say this... "I am the problem. I cannot be a good partner to anyone because the truth is- I don't know how to do that. Would somebody please help me improve to the point that I can become the person I want to be with?"<br />
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If you have ever heard that tumble out of somebody's mouth, please call or write me immediately. Somebody with that level of humility, awareness, and honesty has never been discovered. You'd have a better chance of finding Bigfoot.<br />
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Time and time again, I listen to people bad mouth their spouses, girlfriends, lovers in a seemingly endless dance that never ends. You can switch spouses or boyfriends- but guess what? The same thing happens. Over and over again. I know a gal who recently got married for the 6th time. She is completely unconscious. <br />
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We all want the perfect mate, don't we? So let me ask you. Are you the perfect mate? <br />
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Our false sense of selves, ego, tells us that we are fine. Sometimes that ego has the reverse effect- and tells us that we are horrible. But for many of us, everyone else seems to be the problem. And as long as we believe that false sense of self- we are trapped in the problem. It can't get better. Like my friend on husband number 6.<br />
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We can't fix others and we don't need to. As long as we view ourselves as the problem- that's a good thing. Accepting that you are not "entitled" to the perfect relationship means that you might be willing to work for one. Maybe you just aren't that special. Before the work begins, you will need three tools.<br />
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Humility, lack of ego or consciousness, and inflexible honesty. Can you imagine- the ego driven false sense of self that I once had- the one that believed I was entitled to the "best of everything" including relationships- with little or no work or improvement? Of thinking that somehow the love of my life would simply arrive and I would not only know and recognize her, but live happily ever after.<br />
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I was completely unconscious. Or stupid. Or both. <br />
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I have been faithfully working on becoming the best person I can be. It's hard work. I want to attract the very best human being that I can. Maybe even a spiritually correct one. But I can't do that by resting on my laurels and thinking that somehow I am special because my mother told me so. That I will somehow attract the person I want without returning the favor. Sometimes it takes 50 years to figure something like that out- but mostly I think people never do. That level of awareness is elusive and difficult to find.<br />
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Just take a look at those divorce rates we have. <br />
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You must try to be the person you want to date. That's honest. That's the best marketing tool. Perhaps if we take care of that first- the other pieces will begin to fall into place.Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09792103647365097641noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-128829734539833355.post-26371993147401750872012-01-15T08:17:00.000-08:002012-01-15T13:34:32.346-08:00Are Some People Simply Incapable Of Attaining Emotional Freedom?I think so.<br />
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I am not sure why that is. Perhaps it is an ego that practices contempt prior to investigation or an ego that thinks it knows it all. Perhaps some people just enjoy being miserable, maybe even whiny. Perhaps that is the only attention they receive. These are all forms or symptoms of an unconscious mind. Maybe the problem is comprehension- perhaps making changes is very difficult for certain segments of people. It is this latter possibility that I have been focused on recently.<br />
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There are at least nine different types of intelligence. My strong suits are intra and inter personal relationships. I am a complete idiot when it comes to some other forms of intelligence. In fact, I have no real visual or spatial intelligence at all. <a href="http://skyview.vansd.org/lschmidt/Projects/The%20Nine%20Types%20of%20Intelligence.htm">http://skyview.vansd.org/lschmidt/Projects/The%20Nine%20Types%20of%20Intelligence.htm</a><br />
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I have a friend with a profound sense of spatial intelligence. However, she almost completely lacks any intra personal intelligence. To me, she appears confused and neurotic. I am beginning to realize that we are all blessed with different types of intelligence and thus, we face obstacles when trying to comprehend or assimilate an intelligence type that does not come easy or natural for us. <br />
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If a person simply cannot comprehend what steps are needed for an emotionally free life, you cannot force it upon them. They cannot grasp the concept. It's no different than when I try to be an interior decorator. I am a miserable failure. Colors and spatial intelligence are very difficult for me. I have to defer to someone that possesses that type of intelligence to achieve a better result.<br />
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These different types of intelligence are fascinating to me. I think you can be very intelligent, perhaps even a genius in specific areas, and be "less than bright" in others. Einstein immediately comes to mind. The guy could barely print his name.<br />
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I work with a number of people who I am beginning to understand have proclivities and proficiencies in areas that do not involve intra personal or self intelligence. Identifying those people takes a little time, asking the right questions, and listening. Depending on their answers, I can begin to craft a tactic that will work for them and restore a little serenity in their lives. For those with virtually no self intelligence, I keep it very simple. For those with a great deal of self intelligence, I can explore emotional causes and effects, remedies, and generally go into much greater detail. <br />
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This tailoring approach is having far greater success than flock shooting concepts at people and hoping that they understand them. I think the point I am trying to make here is that there are some very intelligent people that will never gain any measure of emotional freedom simply because they are not self intelligent. They are just not geared to understand this and continue to dwell in the subconscious and absent any critical motivation, they won't see any need for it.<br />
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In the end, I think an unconscious mind is always the greatest barrier to achieving emotional freedom. Identifying what you are trying to convey, and then identifying what your target audience is capable of comprehending, is allowing me to achieve better results.Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09792103647365097641noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-128829734539833355.post-966479280825508842011-12-29T23:25:00.000-08:002011-12-29T23:43:30.754-08:00Is There A Spiritual Solution For Every Negative Emotion?At one time in my life, I would have thought that question was ridiculous. Of course not. I practiced contempt prior to investigation. Quite simply, I thought I knew everything. I meet lots of people like that now. <br />
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Today I realize I was wrong. Just because you don't currently know the solution to (y) doesn't mean that a solution does not exist. <br />
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One of the greatest tricks of the human brain is that it convinces us that things are permanent. That emotions are permanent, that an inability to find a solution is permanent, that death is permanent. Depressed people who commit suicide are people without an ability or who lack the capacity to understand that there is a spiritual solution to their emotional problems. Not that I think suicide is an eternal death sentence. I rejected that fear based dogma years ago. <br />
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Imagine a negative emotion. Let's use anger. Can we dis-assemble anger like a non functioning engine or a clock and look at the parts? Can we figure out how the parts came to be, how they inter-relate, and how they fit back together? Can we fix anger like a mechanic rebuilds a 350 ci engine or a watchmaker fixes a mantle clock?<br />
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Of course we can. In fact, I have a spiritual solution for every negative emotion in my life. In the case of anger, I realize it is always fear based. When I root out the cause, which in my life usually meant that someone didn't do something the way I wanted or expected, I became angry. I find that emotion to be quite rare today. I stripped anger bare years ago, I dissected and evaluated all my fears, and I rebuilt my emotional brain. I don't take things personally. Do I still get angry once in awhile? Sure, but it happens with great infrequency.<br />
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There are also situations that exist which by themselves are not negative in and of themselves but always seem to generate negative emotions. Unmet or unrealized expectations. It happens all the time.<br />
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Here is the process I use. I take nothing personally, ever. If someone says they will call and they don't- that has nothing to do with me. If I am relying on somebody for anything in my life and they fail to meet the agreed upon terms, I accept my role and responsibility for relying on the unreliable. I also accept that people are simply living their lives and that sometimes- they do not meet their obligations or expectations. That has nothing to do with me. Those situations no longer anger me or generate negative emotions because I have a <i>spiritual solution</i> that is applied long before some expectation goes unmet. I risk manage in advance.<br />
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Once your expectations are un met, all that is required is communication and an internal dialogue about whether you want to subject yourself to or endure the same potential outcome again. Usually I do. I don't beat myself up if I am wrong twice. There is no rule regarding that, just a cliche' here or there.<br />
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With regard to expectations, I make plans. I do my best. I do not plan the outcome. I am always satisfied with the outcome as long as I have fulfilled my agreed upon role and due diligence. I control my actions and words. I cannot control the actions and words of others therefore I feel no need to manipulate others or try to persuade them if things don't go the way I'd like them to. I agree to those terms in the workplace, in the family, at the coffee shop.<br />
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People will always fail you. That's what people do and that is ok.<br />
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Today, I have discovered a peace that I would never have thought possible. I don't allow negative emotions to get into my head nor do I allow them to expand which they have a habit of doing. I am risk managed to such a degree that only rarely and fleetingly do negative emotions pop up, perhaps a couple of times a week. In the old days, this happened multiple times- every day. Once they do pop up, negative emotions are processed and eliminated quickly without further damage to myself or others by applying spiritual principles.<br />
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I sure could have used that spiritual blueprint as a younger man, but things never got bad enough...well... until they did. Perhaps that's what it takes.Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09792103647365097641noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-128829734539833355.post-21547179392056150122011-12-18T21:31:00.000-08:002011-12-19T08:47:06.566-08:00I Never Really Got Ok With DyingIn my past life, I dealt with a lot of death. Traumatic death and accidents. Homicide and suicide, chronic disease. So what I'd like to do here is embed one of my all time favorite music pieces from a beautiful story about death and loss. I think you'll like it.<br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="235" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/j42ApkIIdNc" width="340"></iframe> <br />
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Death is an odd thing. We are never really ever prepared for it- even when we think we are. The circumstances of death can leave us feeling helpless, sometimes hopeless. Nobody wants to feel that emotional pain.<br />
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I may have come to terms with my own death- which we will see. But... <br />
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I have never really gotten "ok" with the loss of others. Sometimes the loss of people leaves a void that you can never fill. Sometimes you just pray for relief. The answer of course, is in preparation and acceptance. And even though I know all of those things, I simply can't reconcile loss. I don't feel guilt as though some intervention on my behalf could have stopped it. I accept that some people will die in accidents or by their own hand. And sometimes, loss doesn't get easier with time. It gets harder.<br />
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There is some comfort in knowing that I am not unique in the world. That thousands of people struggle with loss every day. Sometimes I am able to draw strength from them. Sometimes I am not.<br />
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Sometimes I just don't want to. And I know that's wrong. There is no solution in that.Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09792103647365097641noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-128829734539833355.post-20833008693508049562011-12-07T23:06:00.000-08:002014-04-04T11:03:18.220-07:00Logical FatalismToday I visited with a friend of mine who shares a lot of things in common with me. One of the things we share is a belief in a power greater than ourselves although both of us would be quite reluctant to call that being God. We do call that being God, I suppose, because it is easier to say when we are conversing. God we think, is just too simplistic.<br />
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Another thing we both agree on is acceptance. The only way to over come the fear of death is with faith, courage, and acceptance. With a belief, faith, and acceptance...courage seems un-neccessary.<br />
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All great men of faith have courage. <br />
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One of the things I absolutely marvel at, is the atheistic approach to life. I know a number of atheists and agnostics. Very often atheists are so convinced that there is no afterlife or hereafter that they do everything imaginable to extend their lives. Recently I read where Larry King wants his body suspended in some hope that one day they can find a cure to whatever killed him and bring him back. As soon as I read that, I immediately suspected that King was an atheist. Men of faith do not speak that way. Atheists and agnostics fear death to such an extent that their lives become some compilation of learned behaviors and safety precautions. Even retroactive precautions like suspended animation. Here is the worst part.<br />
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They believe that there is no greater power than themselves. Think about that. If you are an atheist, that has to be true does it not? You are the center of the universe. That is scary. It has to be lonely, being an atheist. <br />
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What happens when you practice faith, courage, and acceptance? You begin to see a process much larger than your own tiny and lonely existence. You begin to trust in a much larger community. You feel intuitive truth. You begin to believe in a process. It is the cycle of things. There is the planting time, the growing time, the harvest time, and the dying time. The process resets and starts anew. Over and over again and virtually everywhere- we see this. We see this in the daily and seasonal rotation of our planet. We see it in all life forms. We begin to think, maybe I'll just accept and embrace this death process when it comes. Our fears are removed. We have let go. We are going to trust in powers far greater than we are. We are going to believe that somehow a spark of life was delivered here- for some reason that we cannot comprehend. We just know everything is going to be alright. Fear is going to have to burden someone else.<br />
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I would not have been ready for this years ago. There is something to be said about consciousness and timing.<br />
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I think it was Nietsche who asked why we would fear something that we cannot feel or comprehend anyway. Did we fear being born? Though Nietsche was an atheist, I understand what he was saying even though we have divergent views of what that might entail. He is processing what makes sense to him, I tend to process and envision something a whole lot different.<br />
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I hate to call my friend and I fatalists. But we probably are. We are Aristotelian logical fatalists. We believe that we are going to die on some predetermined date. Perhaps we could intervene and change dates, but that is not particularly necessary as the outcome remains the same. Nor would we know whether we had impacted or effected any date change. The difference between our atheistic counterparts and ourselves is that we have embraced the idea of death and accepted it. Perhaps the atheists, despite all of their precautions, don't wield any more control over their deaths than we do. Perhaps what is, is already predetermined according to logical fatalism. The only difference is the level of fear attached to it.Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09792103647365097641noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-128829734539833355.post-14601929254965352702011-12-04T00:30:00.000-08:002011-12-04T17:44:31.138-08:00A "Normal Life" and the Last RenaissanceTonight I had a chance to listen to a young man speak about his life. He reminded me so much of me that it actually sent chills up my spine. The similarities are remarkable.<br />
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We had a chance to speak after the meeting. This is what he said as near as I can remember it. <br />
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We talked about a "normal" life. I asked him to define "normal." This is what he said. "I want to be peaceful and happy. I want to be involved in a relationship where both parties love themselves before they attempt to love another. I want operating instructions that work so that when I run into problems and things that baffle me in life, I can quickly resolve them without causing anyone or myself any emotional damage. I just want to be happy, like I said."<br />
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I was in a state of awe. This guy is me. I didn't say a word to him. <br />
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You see, I have a problem. I can't help anyone. Why? Because this is what I would have had to tell him.<br />
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Initially, your life must get so miserable, terrible, lonely and depressed, that it forces you to capitulate. If you cannot find that place- you will not be given the motivation to get well. Secondly, you must be unflinchingly honest with yourself, admitting every character flaw that you possess and become willing to work on and eliminate all of them. You must become willing to throw out every belief system that you have acquired. You can no longer behave like a victim or wallow in self pity. Every time you feel emotionally distraught- you are the problem and you must find the solution from within. Very often that is simply acceptance. You must unconditionally attempt to love anyone and everyone- even child sexual predators, murderers. The people you resent the most. You must let people be who they are. And perhaps most importantly...<br />
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You must become aware of your false sense of self- ego- and be willing to destroy those pieces of your ego which damage and injure others. <br />
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These are all choices. These were the choices I made in order to become calm and peaceful. Happy. Had I done anything less, the recipe would not have worked. It is an all or nothing proposition. You cannot cling to fear. Or any negative emotions. They are processed and eliminated quickly. The hardest thing I have had to deal with is intermittent bouts of depression. I am aware of it, I process it and eliminate it, and sometimes it comes back. No wonder people people see shrinks, get prescriptions, drink and drug. They want to alter how they feel. They do not have any way of doing that- and certainly nothing as quick and effective as swallowing some Xanax or drinking some whiskey. Or whining to a shrink that nods and enables them to keep on making the same mistakes over and over again. <br />
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The problem with the quick and easy way is that it is only temporary. The underlying illness remains. Sometimes forever. Sometimes it kills you.<br />
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So how am I going to explain any of that to some guy I just met? How I am going to explain that I have found a healthy way to process all of those emotions, including depression, without sedatives? I have a very normal and happy life. Not perfect, but pretty damn close- sans a depression here or there.<br />
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The sad truth is, I can't. If someone had told me that they had- I wouldn't believe them. I'd think they were some deluded and ego driven maniac. This is what I think will happen one day.<br />
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There will be another renaissance in this country. People have quit smoking. They are eating healthier, living longer. They are exercising. The last frontier to be conquered will be the one that we are all still clinging to. The mood altering, I want to feel better now mentality, facilitated by mind and mood altering substances happily supplied by six figure doctors, shrinks, and big pharma. Sometimes drug dealers. Big business in the form of beer, wine, and alcohol makers and distributors. There will come a day when people examine the damage that these things cause and they will seek better, healthier ways of processing emotions. There will be a cultural shift and it will take all of the work I have described above. People will begin to alter their moods through positive lifestyle changes and they will begin to process emotions internally and rapidly- arriving at logical conclusions that include not taking things personally. Or not making assumptions, judgments, or conclusions until they have heard every side of the issue. No more contempt prior to investigation. Acceptance when alternatives are non existent.<br />
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I believe this conscious shift, the last emotional (and physical) health conscious renaissance will occur one day- just not any day soon. One day we may all be handing our children entirely new operating instructions and tools, teaching them how to behave responsibly and emotionally correct. No booze or drugs. Resolving issues quickly and internally- finding a happy and normal life.Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09792103647365097641noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-128829734539833355.post-60547208723887855442011-11-27T22:58:00.000-08:002011-11-28T06:01:12.144-08:00Living In the Unconscious World While Trying To Write For the Conscious FewFour years ago, in a little coffee shop on Magazine St. in New Orleans, I found magic. I would carry my computer in my backpack and either walk or drive to that coffee shop nearly every day. In the back of that coffee shop I tried to put together a book while sorting out my life. That's how it was for nearly 6 months. I only made it a third of the way through that book before I gave up on the project.<br />
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I'd like to tell you why I stopped but I can't. I had to resolve some issues and at that very moment in my life, I did not know how I was going to do that. In the intervening years, I resolved those issues.<br />
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If you seek the answers, they will be provided. <br />
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I write on two sites. My popular site gets a few hundred page views a day. This one gets around ten. The truth is, I'm not sure where those ten hits come from.<br />
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You want to hear the best part? I'd rather write here than there. The solution to every problem I have ever had in life is right here. Conscious thought was the greatest gift I have been given. I didn't get that gift until I was 47 years old.<br />
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The problem is that I still dwell in an ego driven world. I am part of that ego driven world. I blog in that ego driven world where everyone seeks attention, everyone wants to be smart and clever, and where all of the faults of human beings are always on display. And in that unconscious place, I am still part of the problem. Blogging away. Nobody has anointed me the leader of the free world and as such, I am just one of the hoi polloi. One of billions. Hardly a novelty. Worth a few hundred hits a day whether what I write is really good or really bad. <br />
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Real emotional freedom is where I come to get conscious. This is where the solution is. This site represents the possibilities if humanity is ever to emotionally evolve out of these ridiculous belief systems that our teachers have passed down through the dark ages. These belief systems which we believe are true. We have to break this cycle of bad information. Really.<br />
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Every emotion and solution worth having is right here. Somewhere. For years, I suffered through bouts of depression, guilt for not having accomplished this or that, and anger. I resolved all of those issues. Honestly. And I have written about them and others on this site. <br />
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I want to say one last thing to all of those people who believe that they can simply turn their desperate lives over to the care of God and that somehow God will make it all good for you. That premise is ridiculous and preposterous. I say that as a true believer in Christ. <br />
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This is not some Deus Ex Machina blog where the answer to every negative emotion or depression is "God out of the box." God will save us. Or God will make it all right. Just pray. I have friends who maintain that those beliefs work for them. I am not here to diminish them but that is a glass of kool-aid that I will never drink. It is too irrational for my newly acquired belief systems and smacks of those frail belief systems that I have found do not work for me. The ones I over hauled right here. Interestingly enough and as a foot note, my most respected Pastor as a child did not believe in the Deus Ex Machina theory either. We are here to learn something. <br />
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So I am writing the book. I have resolved my issues. The material I am using comes from this blog, the unpopular one. Because this is the way of the future. The optimism that I have is that one day in the world, people will start to wake up and begin to emotionally evolve. To realize there is a better way to live than the way we've been living. <br />
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I hope to keep you posted. All ten of you. *winkBrianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09792103647365097641noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-128829734539833355.post-90998382375722747832011-10-18T10:13:00.000-07:002011-10-18T10:54:42.520-07:00Given the Right Set of Circumstances, Anything Becomes PossibleI saw this quote today and had to clip it.<br />
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Along the same lines, Frank Oppenheimer (brother of Robert and creator of the Exploratorium in San Francisco) once said: "Just as present technology had to await the explanations of physics, so one might expect that social invention will follow growing sociological understanding. We are desperately in the need of such invention, for man is still very much at the mercy of man."<br />
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That sociological invention exists. The problem is that people enslaved to a false sense of self (ego) can't see it. Very often, the more intelligent you are- the more difficult it is to find. <br />
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We live in a world of narrow minds, skeptics, false selves, and ego. Most people think that if they have not personally discovered something- it cannot or does not exist. And yet they yearn for something better. They yearn for something that they cannot find because they have not been given the gift of desperation. They cling to those old faulty beliefs that the planet gave them. The ones that don't work.<br />
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Instead they seek short term solutions that pay off now, distractions, emotional pain killers. That's reality as they see it. The only viable emotional solution currently available to more than half of our society either comes in a can, a bottle, a capsule or a pill. Maybe a joint. Or they whine and act like victims- find some enablers to commiserate with. That's not acceptance- that's avoidance. <br />
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I became comfortable with the world and everyone in it- right here on these pages. This was my journey. Calm, serene, day after day- years worth. It's not all perfect. But bouts of depression or negative emotions are processed quickly and dispelled. I am comfortable in my skin- and the journey is not impossible. But the path is only available to those who refuse to practice contempt prior to investigation. Very often I find that everyone wants to be a teacher rather than a student.<br />
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In my desperate days, I was a student. I was willing to find anything that would help me resolve all of the issues in my mind. Isolation, fear, rejection, anger, loneliness, financial insecurity. I found a solution for all of those things. That solution would never have become available to me until I accepted the role of student. To this day, I consider that my primary role.<br />
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I am not kidding when I say this. I have often thought that if Christ were ever to return to this planet, the end result would not be much different. His credibility would be attacked. He would be castigated, ridiculed, and ignored. Perhaps he would be spared some tortured death here, but I cannot say how he would fare in other places. Emotional evolution at a glacial pace.<br />
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Odd, that something so simple has always been available, tangible. Yours to find given the right set of circumstances.Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09792103647365097641noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-128829734539833355.post-76718621319893953482011-10-15T01:07:00.000-07:002011-10-15T01:10:22.928-07:00My First Instinct Is Usually WrongAs I was arriving at the conclusion of my first year of consciousness, I became aware of something that made a great deal of sense.<br />
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Imagine being indoctrinated with all of the faulty belief systems of our planet and accepting them as true. For example, when somebody cheats on us- very often we feel diminished. We are less than. We are hurt. We become angry, depressed. We are isolated and alone. Are all of these feelings common? Yes of course they are. But please allow me to ask another question.<br />
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Are those feelings mandatory or even necessary? We think that they are but in reality that is an illusion, an opinion. A belief that we were taught was true. We have seen it in others who were similarly instructed. It is hardly a statement of fact although the planet would have us believe it is so. We have always had a choice even when "conventional" wisdom says that we don't. Sometimes we have to tell conventional wisdom to take a hike. And that is one of the healthiest things I have ever learned.<br />
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If we have been indoctrinated with a bunch of faulty belief systems- doesn't it stand to reason that very often our first instinct is wrong? Doesn't it stand to reason that we judge others on their actions, and yet we give ourselves the luxury of judging ourselves on our intentions? When we react to someone without knowing their true intentions, could we possibly be wrong? When somebody does something that we have been taught should diminish us- do we not in fact feel diminished? Sometimes hurt and angry? In fact, don't we feel all of those negative emotions long before we know the intentions of others? <br />
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Throughout this blog, I have talked about the importance of letting people live their lives and absolutely refusing to take anything they do or say personally. Under any circumstances. That is absolutely mandatory. This is something I practice every day. I practice this everyday because of one steadfast and universal truth that will never change.<br />
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I simply cannot understand what motivates anybody to do anything at any given time. Most of the time behavior is somewhat predictable. Sometimes it is not. I cannot assume under any circumstances that I know what has prompted someone to behave a certain way. This is what I know for sure. People are living their lives. They are making decisions and choices based on a set of internal controls, truths, and experiences that they will never be able to fully identify or communicate to me. I must simply accept that they are making the best decisions that they can within their capacity. And sometimes as they make these decisions, others diminish or anger me. What do I do?<br />
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In the past, I would simply react in a way that the planet or my teachers had taught me was acceptable. That old faulty belief system. And when I reacted the same old way, I kept getting the same miserable results. Conflict, one ups man ship, hostile remarks. Sometimes physical assaults. All of these reactions are choices. They were taught to us- given to us as beliefs. They are very hard to break free of. But that is precisely why we are here. We are trying to shed these beliefs that do not work. Beliefs that keep us emotional hostages.<br />
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Today, I am conscious and aware. When somebody or something is bothering me- I am the problem. I try to identify what is wrong with me. I can identify what is wrong with me. I never have to make an assumption about that. I understand that my first <i>reaction toward others is almost always wrong. I am assuming I know what motivates them. That is a faulty belief. </i><br />
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We don't have to be perfect and process all of this in a nanosecond. Sometimes, we can cure all of this by not acting at all. Very often we do have the luxury of time if we choose to exercise it. By allowing people to be who they are, which includes saying off color and poorly thought out things from time to time, we show patience and tolerance. We do not make assumptions or hasty judgments. By simply accepting that our first instincts are usually wrong, we can avoid many of the pitfalls that cause us emotional distress. We are not required to keep selecting the same choices that "conventional" wisdom would have us select. That is the thinking that perpetuates the faulty belief systems of the planet.Brianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09792103647365097641noreply@blogger.com1