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Thursday, March 1, 2012

Become The Person You Want To Be With

I got divorced in 2007. I thought my ex wife was the problem. Isn't that why we all get divorced? Isn't someone else always the problem?

Of course. Individually, we all think we are fine. In fact, really intelligent people tend to be far more smug about this than most. It's the other half of our relationships that are always causing us problems. Isn't it?

If I have heard one re-occurring relationship theme my entire life, literally thousands of times, it's that one. Now let me ask you this...

How many times have you met people that say this... "I am the problem. I cannot be a good partner to anyone because the truth is- I don't know how to do that. Would somebody please help me improve to the point that I can become the person I want to be with?"

If you have ever heard that tumble out of somebody's mouth,  please call or write me immediately. Somebody with that level of humility, awareness, and honesty has never been discovered. You'd have a better chance of finding Bigfoot.

Time and time again, I listen to people bad mouth their spouses, girlfriends, lovers in a seemingly endless dance that never ends. You can switch spouses or boyfriends- but guess what? The same thing happens. Over and over again. I know a gal who recently got married for the 6th time. She is completely unconscious.

We all want the perfect mate, don't we? So let me ask you. Are you the perfect mate?

Our false sense of selves, ego, tells us that we are fine. Sometimes that ego has the reverse effect- and tells us that we are horrible. But for many of us, everyone else seems to be the problem. And as long as we believe that false sense of self- we are trapped in the problem. It can't get better. Like my friend on husband number 6.

We can't fix others and we don't need to. As long as we view ourselves as the problem- that's a good thing. Accepting that you are not "entitled" to the perfect relationship means that you might be willing to work for one. Maybe you just aren't that special. Before the work begins, you will need three tools.

Humility, lack of ego or consciousness, and inflexible honesty. Can you imagine- the ego driven false sense of self that I once had- the one that believed I was entitled to the "best of everything" including relationships- with little or no work or improvement? Of thinking that somehow the love of my life would simply arrive and I would not only know and recognize her, but live happily ever after.

I was completely unconscious. Or stupid. Or both.

I have been faithfully working on becoming the best person I can be. It's hard work. I want to attract the very best human being that I can. Maybe even a spiritually correct one. But I can't do that by resting on my laurels and thinking that somehow I am special because my mother told me so. That I will somehow attract the person I want without returning the favor. Sometimes it takes 50 years to figure something like that out- but mostly I think people never do. That level of awareness is elusive and difficult to find.

Just take a look at those divorce rates we have. 

You must try to be the person you want to date. That's honest. That's the best marketing tool. Perhaps if we take care of that first- the other pieces will begin to fall into place.


  1. The grass is never greener on the other side--it's just different grass with a whole new set of problems...that's the truth. Most can't stay in the moment and love what IS. Like you said, our egos don't allow this.

    Once you wake up, though, it's impossible to ignore this sort of truth. You might fall back into old thinking patterns for a bit, but the truth remains and it cannot be ignored. It's been my struggle to learn to live this way more and more each day. There's joy to be found in letting the ego go. Mine brought me nothing but misery. We can change the way we think. It's not impossible.

    1. Nice. And very true.

      One of the problems I am wrestling with is how to integrate this awareness into a relationship. Or if I even want that. The truth for me right now, is that I've never been happier.

      Perhaps my old belief system that life was meant to be shared is wrong. Maybe being happy, by yourself, is quite possible. It's sure starting to feel that way for me.

  2. If you can't be happy with and by yourself, you will never be happy with anyone else. They can't make you happy, you have to make yourself happy first, and learn to like yourself, which can be a bitch, at times.

  3. I wish it was the truth. World would be a better place.