Telling It Like It Is

In response to my blog, "Do Some People Simply Enjoy Being Negative? The Shame and Guilt Cycle"... I received the following comment: Anonymous said...I'm negative, I'm highly critical. It's not because of a guilt, shame, criticism cycle. I have a hard time looking on the bright side and i want everyone to feel as miserable as i do. I'm slightly guilty, but i don't feel shame. I'm shameless.

I cannot tell you how happy I was to see this comment. Not only could I have written that very comment myself in 2007, but I had always hoped that this blog could turn into a type of personal online support vehicle. I believe anonymous' comment to be honest and sincere.

In 2007, I was in a terrible state of depression. I was drinking too much, daily and heavily, and I hid my depression as much as possible when I wasn't drinking- but it began to leak through. I was incredibly critical of my real and perceived adversaries- this is not to say that I was wrong about them. Very often, my judgments and conclusions about them were dead on and correct. Had you asked me at that time, I would have told you I was a realist. I would have told you that my "insightful and intelligent" observations did not have a damn thing to do with shame and guilt- which was not entirely true. I am also ashamed to say- that I actually enjoyed being that way. Critical, depressed, and running other people down to make myself feel better. I did not feel any guilt or shame (at that time) because I believed those opinions to be true. I did not feel any shame until I became aware.

I did not realize how spiritually sick I had become. This blog really chronicles what happened to me, my observations, and how I was able to fix myself. I could do that for two reasons. I knew for sure that what I was doing was not working. I became willing to find any way that would work.

The first thing I did was quit drinking. I attended AA and I read the book cover to cover. Alcoholics Anonymous is a spiritual program that is a living design. I paid attention. I desperately wanted to get well. During that time, I was given a copy of the "Four Agreements." That book was absolutely critical to my emotional makeover. Particularly important was agreement two. To this day, I do not let anything anybody says or does, effect me personally. I let people be just as crazy as they want to be and I'll be damned if I lift one finger to change that. I don't. If someone has upset me to the extent that I am required to make some sort of take it or leave it decision- I do that. I harbor no ill will and I go peacefully without explanation.

 

Tolle's, "A New Earth" sealed my resurrection. I felt as though Tolle wrote that book about me. I was completely insane, allowing my ego to absolutely run and then later, ruin my life. I am not my ego. For the first time in my life, I became aware of my false sense of self. My ego. I separated myself from ego and all that takes is awareness. That's it.  I read a great quote from Kurt Vonnegut once. "We are who we pretend to be."

 

I put together a design for living that works. Of the nine types of intelligence, it doesn't hurt that I score highest in intrapersonal intelligence. I am keenly aware of my emotions and now I am able to process them rapidly, internally, and constructively.

 

So let's get back to anonymous' comment. The shame and guilt cycle is handed down for generations. Constant criticism, judgments, and conclusions directed at children- become the tools of those children. Parents deliver those tools. Not only will their children likely pick those tools up later in life- but they will direct the same criticisms, judgments, and conclusions at their children and the people they interact with. They believe that type of behavior is true and acceptable. And so they engage in it and perpetuate it. People that are critical of others are often intelligent. Their belief systems are bolstered by reinforcing that intelligence via grades, awards, work accomplishments, and inter actions with others. They begin to believe they are smarter than many. And they may be.

When we talk about the shame and guilt cycle- those emotions are given to us. They result from someone elses's perception of us. Mostly parents. My father was shameless while delivering criticism to others which he did frequently. Therefore, I too, was shameless when delivering criticism of others. Did I want others to feel as miserable as me? Well, sure...I want them to agree with me and that way we could both be miserable. And we were.

 

What happened to me was a miracle. I found a permanent way out of all those negative emotions. Prior to that- I would have simply said- this is who I am. I have no choice in the matter. I am screwed, hopeless. That is perhaps the greatest lie of all. I now know that all of those belief systems were wrong. In order to get well, I had to develop a road map and a solution for everything that life throws at you. Can you prepare for death, disability and disfigurement, illness, divorce, loss? Sure. Can you eliminate self pity, anger, bad belief systems, lack of self esteem? Sure. 

 

Here's why this design works. It's like installing an entirely new operating system where every decision defaults to the decision that will make you happy. That doesn't mean the system can't crash from time to time- but it is rare.

 

Life offers us a myriad of choices all of the time. Often we practice contempt prior to investigation. We make choices thinking that there are no alternatives. Surely we would have found a way out, wouldn't we? Today I look on the bright side because it's all bright side. Four years ago- I would have thought anybody writing what I've written here- was full of shit. That's the truth. That's my ego telling me I am smarter than anyone else, practicing contempt prior to investigation.

 

All that, for that? Yes. Thanks anonymous.

 

 

Deus Ex Machina, (Mah-kee-na)

A deus ex machina ( /ˈdeɪ.əs ɛks ˈmɑːkiːnə/ or /ˈdiːəs ɛks ˈmækɨnə/ day-əs eks mah-kee-nə;^[1] Latin: "god out of the machine"; plural: dei ex machina) is a plot device whereby a seemingly inextricable problem is suddenly and abruptly solved with the contrived and unexpected intervention of some new event, character, ability, or object.

So today's question is an interesting one. Can a God of your understanding solve your emotional problems?

Very often, in the circles I travel, I hear people say they have turned their will and their lives over to the care of God as they understand him. Ok, I think. Time and time again these people state hence believe, God solves their problems. They simply get out of the way. They refuse to exercise free will and it all works out. That is the claim.

Here is an interesting question. If free will causes problems, can free will also solve problems? Of course it can. In fact, that might indeed- be the whole point of the exercise. Can life resolve itself constructively using free will without invoking God? Yes, I think so.

Deus ex machina refers to the inability of mankind to find a solution to an inextricable problem until something new is introduced to the equation. In fact, this is how all problems are eventually solved. Emotional problems are no different. If you are experiencing emotional problems, you cannot find the solution for "x" until you try something new.

Today, I understand that my God does not solve my problems for me. There would be no struggle, no lessons to be learned, no personal growth nor evolution if God simply did all of those things for me. My God is a facilitator. It is that immense pain, the gift of desperation that caused me to seek a solution. Today, it matters not, whether that was solved or facilitated by God or a deus ex machina, myself, or a combination thereof. What matters is that it works. Flayed and scarred badly enough, we find a solution for x. I am extremely grateful. This is how Nietzsche saw it.

Now, once tragedy had lost the genius of music, tragedy in the strictest sense was dead: for where was that metaphysical consolation now to be found? Hence an earthly resolution for tragic dissonance was sought; the hero, having been adequately tormented by fate, won his well-earned reward in a stately marriage and tokens of divine honour. The hero had become a gladiator, granted freedom once he had been satisfactorily flayed and scarred. Metaphysical consolation had been ousted by the deus ex machina.

—Friedrich Nietzsche

Can You Be Happy Every Day For The Rest of Your Life? Of Course You Can- It's a Conscious or Unconscious Choice That You Will Make

However, if you don't have a solution for everything that life throws at you each day- you probably cannot maintain happiness in any kind of long term or consistent way.

Imagine being given a unique wish. You get to choose. You are guaranteed one of the following things but not any of the others. Would you want to be beautiful, famous, rich, or happy?

I am one of those people who picked happy.

I can't tell you how to become beautiful. I don't know a damn thing about being famous and I don't ever want to know. I don't want to be rich because all of that money comes with great responsibility and angst over losing it. I know a little something about that. But happy. Now that's interesting. I know a little bit about happy because I knew his evil twin- unhappy.

In 2007, I was the most unhappy and depressed person on the planet. I was spiritually sick. My life got so bad that ultimately, I was given the gift of desperation. I was suicidal, too cowardly to pull the trigger.

I want to tell you how significant the gift of desperation is. Without that utter despair and loneliness- loneliness like no other loneliness I have ever known- I could not have gotten better. In fact, I would have been stuck in that ethereal plane between unconsciousness and consciousness forever. I believe that is where the vast majority of all humanity dwells. In a state of unconsciousness. Some are given the gift of desperation and many actually kill themselves believing that life is just some vicious or cruel hoax. Others just walk about rare earth, angry and depressed, living quiet lives of desperation. Did they get shorted in the emotional equipment line? What happened to them and why didn't that happen to me?

Why was I given the road map to happiness and just who can I give that to? The brightest minds in the world couldn't fix me. Those bright minds hand out prescriptions for psychotropic medications and boot people out of the office week after week. They make gobs of money but don't effect one significant change. They know they aren't really helping anybody- because they don't even know what ails them. The unconscious cannot treat the unconscious. They don't teach spirituality and the solution in college. They don't know what it is. So how was it that an untrained, unskilled, dumb ass like me figured out one of life's greatest mysteries? How did I find happiness every day and how do I manage to keep it everyday?

And how do I describe this without coming off like some lunatic, smug guy?

I started with one question. Can I unconditionally love anyone or everyone that I choose? And if I choose to do this- and stick to that task- can I change who and what I am? Can I change all of the antiquated belief systems that were installed by my teachers and can I install entirely different and useful belief systems?

Of course I could. I knew what didn't work. That was everything I had been doing up until 2007. I simply had to do the opposite of what I had been doing. Mostly. I did manage to get a few things right.

What if I told you that I once heard a gal state that if you have nothing useful to do, nobody to love, and nothing to look forward to- chances are you will be depressed. What if I told you that not only do I believe that statement to be generally true as defined in 2008- but that now I can have all three of those things at once and they do not affect my happiness. I have found the solution for x. I don't have to be doing anything "useful" (as defined in old beliefs) to be happy. I don't have to be in love to love everyone and I find something to look forward to every day. It can be any number of things- simple acts, in and of themselves- acts that the unconscious don't even recognize. Today, I was happy to mow the lawn, take out the trash, wash my motorcycle. To write this piece. I relish every moment. I feel absolutely no guilt (old beliefs again) if I do nothing all day but watch football. Guilt is no longer a part of my chemistry. I have eliminated it. I have exorcised that negative emotion along with a number of other demons.

I suppose some people have found the solutions for beauty, wealth, and fame. I haven't. But I did find the solution for happiness and I know what it is. If you are not consistently happy nearly all of the time and I mean 99% of the time, you do not have the solution. You may be wandering in that ethereal plane between desperation and ok. You may spend your lifetime there and never receive the gift of desperation.

What happened to me was divine intervention. It had to be. Of myself, I am just a knucklehead- completely incapable of finding a solution like this. I know that. Millions of people, perhaps billions of people, have failed to find happiness. People a lot brighter than me. Maybe one day- I can find one person to give this to. That would be nice.

Playing Nice With My Alter(native) Ego

I have a secret. I love writing on this blog. I had to edit this. It was just too smug sounding. I apologize for that.

I don't write here much because unfortunately, I don't see people who recognize that life can be peaceful and serene. That there are very adaptive ways to achieve happiness. When depressing news strikes- you are able to receive it, recognize it, adapt, apply the solution, and get well in short order.

The problem for many or most, including myself once, is that you might not believe this is possible.

I think a lot of people would rather be mired in conflict and negative feelings. I see it all the time. It's a lie your alter ego tells you. You do in fact have a choice. You make decisions every day. I like this piece because I see it all the time. http://thecivillibertarian.blogspot.com/2011/08/angry-class.html

Finding A Power (Gasp, God) Of Your Own Understanding

I am not sure how I landed so many friends that are agnostic or atheist. Perhaps I attract those types or perhaps that is the evolution of things. I'm not sure.

If you've landed here, or if you struggle with the God concept, I have great news! That human punishing God- is a fable. A complete wives' tale. He doesn't send anyone to hell. Intuitively, I know this has to be true.

Unconditional love. To acquire unconditional love means that you are going to have to throw all of your earthly and unfortunately- human programming away. This time around, you are no longer going to hate or dislike anyone, you are not going to take anything personally, and you will let people be who they are. If a knucklehead like me can accomplish that, do you think a God might do a little better?

Imagine if you will, a highly evolved form of life that loves unconditionally. Do you think he or she might have an understanding of the limitations of a fear driven human mind? A human mind that can only understand what it senses. Tangible things? If you have a daughter are you going to punish her unmercifully because she doesn't understand the concept of gravity?

I used to buy into all of that human rhetoric about what God was. Then I realized something. I found that I began to have the capacity to love everyone. That I became extremely understanding and tolerant. That I no longer felt threatened by things others said- even those things directed at me. I knew I was just scratching the surface. And I also began to realize that God, in whatever form that is, would be far more advanced than I was. Then it hit me. There is simply no way that an unconditionally and loving God arbitrarily punishes people for what they don't understand. Like gravity. That cannot be the concept of an evolved life form. That is a concept of fear driven, control everything, human beings. That if I had the capacity to understand an atheist- so did God.

I used to say that if the God we have is a judgmental, punishing God, I don't want him. I still don't.

To this day, I don't get angry at people for their beliefs. It's not my job. In fact, I don't think it's God's job either. I no longer worry when a loved one tells me she is an atheist. I understand and I no longer feel threatened or scared. I figure if a knucklehead like me can understand that concept, I gotta think a power greater than I am- has figured that out too.

Being There

About the time I wrote, "My Ship Has Come In" my life starting becoming very calm and serene. In fact, the prospect of my own death leaves me calm and serene. I am convinced I can do what others claim. I believe I can trust the death process and accept it. Bold words now... so we'll see what happens when the time comes.

Today, I had an occasion to listen to a gal that is completely self centered and ego driven. I always have the feeling when I see her- that she just wants a little attention.

I had a goal this week. Every where I went, I was present and listening. Minimal talking. I focused on what people were saying and what they were really trying to say. This has always been hard for me. As I have gotten older... I really suspect that I have a touch of adult attention deficit disorder. It's not something I have had my whole life. I have just noticed it recently and others have noticed it as well.

"Being there" means that I am listening fully to what other people have to say. That is not always good. I've found that some people tend to repeat themselves. I've learned to let them know that I heard what they said the first time. Being nice and saying this once, will let people know you are listening. It will prevent a lot of this reoccurring type speech. This has been a problem with this particular gal I am referring to...not to mention myself.

Today, I listened intently to what she had to say. I have the solution. Why is it, that ego driven people who love to talk- cannot listen? Or more precisely- comprehend. Why is it that they practice contempt prior to investigation" Often they think, if they do not know the solution- a solution does not exist. They are prevented by their very ego from accepting the solution. In fact, they don't even really want to hear a solution. They just want attention and for you to listen to them.

I simply listened and smiled today. You cannot give people something which they cannot recognize or define. In fact, I do not go out of my way to try and help people. I would but quite honestly they would rather live their lives mired in craziness and ego. Very often I see desperate people who would benefit remarkably from the work I've done. They remind me of me. Like me- they don't have a road map that tells them where they are or how to get where they want to be- nor do they think one exists. That's too bad. The tools are out there. They are here. All you have to do is pick them up and get to work.

The hardest part is watching the people we love suffer. Especially when we have found a better way. I am beginning to believe- in fact I do- that we are all on an individual journey. Some people will not find any peace or serenity on this visit to earth. In fact, some will find hell on earth. They will never be at peace with themselves. They will always want something, worry about something else.

I am so grateful. I enjoy being here. Or being there.

The Value of Adversity and the Struggle

As I look back on the last 50 years of my life and recount the good times- I simply can't neglect the value of adversity. Of struggle. Without adversity and the struggle- you cannot know what is good in life. Very often, it is the struggle itself. From wiki on yin yang...

In Taoist philosophy, yin and yang (☯) arise together from an initial quiescence or emptiness (wuji, sometimes symbolized by an empty circle), and continue moving in tandem until quiescence is reached again. For instance, dropping a stone in a calm pool of water will simultaneously raise waves and lower troughs between them, and this alternation of high and low points in the water will radiate outward until the movement dissipates and the pool is calm once more. Yin and yang thus are always opposite and equal qualities. Further, whenever one quality reaches its peak, it will naturally begin to transform into the opposite quality: for example, grain that reaches its full height in summer (fully yang) will produce seeds and die back in winter (fully yin) in an endless cycle.

It is impossible to talk about yin or yang without some reference to the opposite, since yin and yang are bound together as parts of a mutual whole (i.e. you cannot have the back of a hand without the front).

When we are living through adversity and the struggle we have no idea of it's value. In fact- we think it has no value or that it is detrimental. We label it as negative. We try to avoid the struggle at all costs. We fight and resist it. Yet it is that very struggle that will define the high points in our lives. Adversity and the struggle and the extent of it- may very well define what type of life we will have. It will define the perimeters. And we will look back at the struggle and very often we will say- that times of great adversity were the most valuable times in our lives.

What happens to those that never taste significant adversity? Their lives are narrowly defined. The lows are higher, the highs are lower. The good and the bad get blurred. People that have not tasted substantial adversity are cheated in life. They have no reference point. They lack understanding. They never taste the fear of spending a night under the park bench or in the mission. They take life for granted. A life without fear, without struggle or sacrifice, has diminished value. Without yang there can be no yin. They define each other. They exist in complete harmony- unless of course humans interfere with that process.

I have seen people who have tasted little or no adversity. I know of a couple enduring tremendous adversity right now. I look with confidence upon the latter...they will grow quite strong. I feel sorry for the former. They will have no way of measuring what is good or bad in life. They will not be forced to fear, to fight, to struggle mightily, to improve. It will all just be mediocre for them. Their life's yin will lack luster. They will not understand.

As I look back on the greatest times in my life- there were times of success, of adversity, and of struggle. I am grateful for the lowest lows in my life for without them- I could not define how valuable and wonderful life can be. I want to feel the good and the bad. I don't want some mediocre existence shielded by well meaning people trying to make my life easier. I like it hard sometimes. I am ok with that. I am grateful for every ache in my body. To feel those aches- aches that I earned in the struggle. I see the value of those things- I can't imagine life being any other way.