I cannot tell you how happy I was to see this comment. Not only could I have written that very comment myself in 2007, but I had always hoped that this blog could turn into a type of personal online support vehicle. I believe anonymous' comment to be honest and sincere.
- In 2007, I was in a terrible state of depression. I was drinking too much, daily and heavily, and I hid my depression as much as possible when I wasn't drinking- but it began to leak through. I was incredibly critical of my real and perceived adversaries- this is not to say that I was wrong about them. Very often, my judgments and conclusions about them were dead on and correct. Had you asked me at that time, I would have told you I was a realist. I would have told you that my "insightful and intelligent" observations did not have a damn thing to do with shame and guilt- which was not entirely true. I am also ashamed to say- that I actually enjoyed being that way. Critical, depressed, and running other people down to make myself feel better. I did not feel any guilt or shame (at that time) because I believed those opinions to be true. I did not feel any shame until I became aware.
- I did not realize how spiritually sick I had become. This blog really chronicles what happened to me, my observations, and how I was able to fix myself. I could do that for two reasons. I knew for sure that what I was doing was not working. I became willing to find any way that would work.
- The first thing I did was quit drinking. I attended AA and I read the book cover to cover. Alcoholics Anonymous is a spiritual program that is a living design. I paid attention. I desperately wanted to get well. During that time, I was given a copy of the "Four Agreements." That book was absolutely critical to my emotional makeover. Particularly important was agreement two. To this day, I do not let anything anybody says or does, effect me personally. I let people be just as crazy as they want to be and I'll be damned if I lift one finger to change that. I don't. If someone has upset me to the extent that I am required to make some sort of take it or leave it decision- I do that. I harbor no ill will and I go peacefully without explanation.
- Tolle's, "A New Earth" sealed my resurrection. I felt as though Tolle wrote that book about me. I was completely insane, allowing my ego to absolutely run and then later, ruin my life. I am not my ego. For the first time in my life, I became aware of my false sense of self. My ego. I separated myself from ego and all that takes is awareness. That's it. I read a great quote from Kurt Vonnegut once. "We are who we pretend to be."
- I put together a design for living that works. Of the nine types of intelligence, it doesn't hurt that I score highest in intrapersonal intelligence. I am keenly aware of my emotions and now I am able to process them rapidly, internally, and constructively.
- So let's get back to anonymous' comment. The shame and guilt cycle is handed down for generations. Constant criticism, judgments, and conclusions directed at children- become the tools of those children. Parents deliver those tools. Not only will their children likely pick those tools up later in life- but they will direct the same criticisms, judgments, and conclusions at their children and the people they interact with. They believe that type of behavior is true and acceptable. And so they engage in it and perpetuate it. People that are critical of others are often intelligent. Their belief systems are bolstered by reinforcing that intelligence via grades, awards, work accomplishments, and inter actions with others. They begin to believe they are smarter than many. And they may be.
- When we talk about the shame and guilt cycle- those emotions are given to us. They result from someone elses's perception of us. Mostly parents. My father was shameless while delivering criticism to others which he did frequently. Therefore, I too, was shameless when delivering criticism of others. Did I want others to feel as miserable as me? Well, sure...I want them to agree with me and that way we could both be miserable. And we were.
- What happened to me was a miracle. I found a permanent way out of all those negative emotions. Prior to that- I would have simply said- this is who I am. I have no choice in the matter. I am screwed, hopeless. That is perhaps the greatest lie of all. I now know that all of those belief systems were wrong. In order to get well, I had to develop a road map and a solution for everything that life throws at you. Can you prepare for death, disability and disfigurement, illness, divorce, loss? Sure. Can you eliminate self pity, anger, bad belief systems, lack of self esteem? Sure.
- Here's why this design works. It's like installing an entirely new operating system where every decision defaults to the decision that will make you happy. That doesn't mean the system can't crash from time to time- but it is rare.
- Life offers us a myriad of choices all of the time. Often we practice contempt prior to investigation. We make choices thinking that there are no alternatives. Surely we would have found a way out, wouldn't we? Today I look on the bright side because it's all bright side. Four years ago- I would have thought anybody writing what I've written here- was full of shit. That's the truth. That's my ego telling me I am smarter than anyone else, practicing contempt prior to investigation.
- All that, for that? Yes. Thanks anonymous.
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