1241 Days

This is my 100th post here.

About 1241 days ago, I was sitting in a beautiful backyard. I had consumed 6 or 7 beers and 1/2 of a bottle of Irish Whiskey. Completely mired in self pity, bitter memories, isolation and depression, I came up with a solution.

I was going to blow my brains out. That was my solution. And as I thought about it, I couldn't do it. Perhaps I was just too fearful. Or perhaps, a power greater than myself intervened. I call that day- the best day of my life. It was Oct. 9, 2007. The day I was given the gift of desperation.

I'd like to think that what has happened to me since then was a miracle. If in fact the rules of physics apply and indeed I do believe that they do- that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction- then my writing here is symbolic. A testament to the deepest depression I have ever seen and felt. My equal and opposite reaction has been real emotional freedom.

You know what worries me the most? That people cannot find that level of despair sufficient enough to catapult them out of emotional hell. That somehow, many of them wander in some netherworld between heaven and hell- never getting too bad nor getting too good. Lost. Just ok. Surviving. I heard one of those searchers last night. He was talking about how life sucked. I flashed on my journey. Gawd I want to help people like this. I want to scream out to them and shake them. I have the solution. It works. I found it- not because I am brilliant or smug. I was rescued. I was able to examine the very real possibility that the biggest problem in my life is me. It is always me. And that exit is shrouded and blocked off by ego. Your ego will do anything and everything in it's power to prevent your escape. Make no mistake about it. You will have to kill your ego, that false of sense of self, to get to the exit. There is no other way.

That concept is difficult to convey to anyone. In fact, it is borderline impossible. I am beginning to accept that. This is a giant classroom with just a couple of students in it.

So today, I am celebrating my 100th piece here. I don't have "days" in the conventional sense. I have life in the unconventional sense. I recognize this. I would have missed all of this had I pulled that trigger. I have found a way to change all of my perceptions to something that I can't define as good or bad. It's a peace and serenity that defies all description and just loving some guy that says life sucks. Laughing about his perceptions, his reality. Remembering how that felt.

What a difference 1241 days can make. Humbled and grateful. Like a four year winning streak.