This part of my life, from age 14 to 22 or so, is the nutty part. This is where I went off the rails. I really can't explain what happened to me. It's as though somebody came along, whacked me over the head, and I just sort of slept my way through this part of my life.
This was a time in my life when my ego was forming and was at it's very worst. That false sense of self that we present to the world. We become the lie. I was certainly not immune to this. If we tell ourselves lies often and long enough- there is a dangerous chance that we may actually begin to believe them. This is who we become.
Years ago in New Orleans, I was sitting in a coffee shop trying to sort out and convey these life events that I am writing about now. I wasn't able to do it. It sounded like a pity party because I simply could not see the value in all of the bad things that had happened to me. I hadn't found any solution yet.
I am writing here now because all of that has changed for me. I see tremendous value in all of the bad things that happen to us and even in some of the bad things that we do to others.
One caveat that I would like to warn you about here. There is no solution in taking on a victim role. Even if it is justified. Victims get hijacked. I don't care if you grew up in this worst house on the planet with parents dealing dope and turning tricks. That kind of environment would certainly have a negative impact on you. However, there is no solution in self pity. We simply take stock of what has happened, how that has negatively effected us, and we plot an emotional solution. It doesn't matter if your father beat you up 100 times- we are here to get well- and getting well will not require us to wallow in self pity or demand apologies. Your dad beat you up. That is over now. It is time to fix us. Heaping shame on someone else for their mistakes will only cause more damage and waste additional time. How do I know this? Because I have made every one of those mistakes.
We want to spend our energy on getting well- not wasting time demanding apologies because our fragile egos think we need one.
I don't think it's really necessary to list all of the stupid things that I did in this time frame. But I think I need to describe it a little. So I will just speak about many of these things in a broader sense. By the time I was a freshman in high school, I was routinely drinking and smoking pot. I was still playing sports but my grades started to deteriorate. I was sneaking out at night and stealing stuff, shoplifting mostly, and returning home before dawn. I was still playing sports but I wasn't doing too well.
My father had moved to Idaho and was working a new job and that provided a little relief for me. The war zone between my parents had a temporary cease fire. After only a year or so after that move, our family moved to Idaho. So the cease fire, as it turns out, was rather short lived.
Idaho was like getting tossed in the deep end of the pool for me. I didn't like it. I often look back on my life and think that I developed a bad attitude that I carried for a long time- shortly after my arrival in Idaho. I was 15, going on 16 that year.
I quit smoking pot after arriving in Idaho. I never really liked it anyway. School was so much easier in Idaho that I didn't have to do much to get by. Sports were far less competitive so it didn't take much to land on the varsity football and basketball teams. I landed a decent job after school during the weeknights and I bought a hot rod. I wrecked it in a drag race, drunk- 6 months after I got it.
I got in a lot of fights with my parents. Some physical and violent. By the time I was 16, I started fighting back. That slowed my parents down. My childhood from age 8 to 16 was just another part of that war zone my parents called a marriage.
Drinking was becoming a bigger part of my life. I graduated in the bottom third of my class, primarily because I just didn't care. I had no plan beyond high school. I was living my life day to day, unconsciously. My father got caught cheating and that was the beginning of the end. That happened the night before I graduated from high school. The day of graduation, I was drunk. In fact, I think I went on a three day drinking binge about that time. I went to work for my uncle in Wyoming that summer and my drinking just continued to get worse. So that was my theme all the way through college and into my working life. I drank to feel better about myself.
I didn't examine this behavior of mine until some 25 years later. This was that unconscious part of my life where I developed an out of control "survival" ego that was completely self absorbed and self centered. All I ever really thought about was me and I think I learned this because my parents were so fully self absorbed themselves. As long as I got what I wanted- that was all that mattered. In fact, I didn't even know that there were people who didn't live this way. I just assumed that everyone took care of their own best interests in some dog eat dog- sort of fashion.
Deep down, I never really felt good about myself. I always thought I was a bad human being and I honestly thought I was responsible for the war zone that was my parents' marriage. I compensated for all of that by drinking. Drinking became my biggest coping mechanism.
I had developed some other issues as well. I didn't have the slightest clue on how to have an intimate relationship, yet here I was running around and dating women, doing all of the stupid stuff that young adults do. I had anger issues and abandonment issues. Think about this. The only relationship guide I had was my parents' constant fighting and their marriage. Wouldn't you have just loved to date me? I was a neanderthal.
It is a quirk of the human ego, that we all think we are incredibly smart. This is a shame- because as a result of this vast intelligence that we think we possess-we sure create a lot of heartache and damage. Imagine how much better off we'd all be if we collectively decided we were stupid. We would be forced to behave with humility and kindness. We would be a whole lot less judgmental because we had already decided we didn't know much. We would be humble and kind because we would know our place as students rather than teachers. Oddly, I think the world would be a much kinder, gentler place- if we could all simply agree that we really don't know how to get along that well. That we are all a lot less smart than we think we are.
So that's it. By 22, I really didn't know much about anything but I thought I did. In college, I had switched majors twice. In 1982, I graduated from college. From full fledged juvenile delinquent to police officer. As odd as this all seems, it makes perfect sense to me now.
Addictive personalities constantly want to to change the way that they feel. I was one of those types. I chewed tobacco, I drank daily, I gambled every chance I had. I couldn't engage in drug use because it was such a no-no for law enforcement (polygraphs) even though I knew a couple of cops who did.
Relationships were impossible. I had no clue how to "have a relationship.". I just knew I didn't want to fight every day like my parents. I figured that much out.
I think I tried very hard to be a "nice" guy in as much as I was capable. I still had a conscience.
I became a cop shortly after my 22nd birthday. It was January, 1983. I had a lot to learn and life doesn't really care if you are ready or not- it just does what it does. The world turns.
Saturday, September 7, 2013
Monday, June 3, 2013
Life's a Candy Store, How I Repaired My Life, Part 1
In order to write something of value, I am going to have to speak honestly. A lot of what I am going to say in these essays is intensely personal.
There is simply no other way of conveying truth. Very rarely, and certainly not within my family or circle of friends, do people expose their innermost vulnerabilities. People have been taught not to disclose their innermost emotions. Most people see disclosure as a weakness that leaves them wide open to attack and ridicule. Undoubtedly, we have all felt the sting of that.
But my mission here is to convey how I acquired all of my inaccurate beliefs and how those beliefs negatively impacted me later on in my life. So please try not to judge my family or myself too harshly as you read this- everyone was trying to do the best that they could.
But my mission here is to convey how I acquired all of my inaccurate beliefs and how those beliefs negatively impacted me later on in my life. So please try not to judge my family or myself too harshly as you read this- everyone was trying to do the best that they could.
My parents both came from rural Montana. They both lived on farms with large families. Other than their own personal experiences coupled with strong beliefs and hard work- they really didn't have much in the way of formal training on how to raise children. Most importantly, they each came from families with moderate amounts of dysfunction and bad beliefs. That point is key to this story. In fact, I never paid too much attention to the levels of dysfunction in my parents' families until I realized the importance of it. Once I understood dysfunction and how it is passed down- I have tried very hard to find the causes of it in my parents. In many cases- I've been able to sort out why they behaved in certain ways and still behave in ways that have not changed much over 40 years or so.
All behavior is learned. My parent's dysfunctions and bad beliefs had to come from somewhere. Of course this makes sense- their dysfunction came directly from their family and personal experiences. Throughout this piece, I am going to refer to these beliefs and how they positively and adversely affected me. My father was 22, my mother was 20 when I was born.
As a young child, I had very high energy. Most members of my family have told me this. I remember some of it- but generally not prior to the age of 4. Had I been born years later, they might very well have diagnosed me with ADHD or attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. In the early 60's, nobody had heard of such a thing. Thankfully. I often wonder about the effects of prescription drugs on brains that are still forming. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attention_deficit_hyperactivity_disorder
So I was a handful. At the age of 3 in Minneapolis, I ran away and was picked up blocks away- by the police. I have often wondered what my mother thought after losing a child like that. Incidentally, she has never me what she was doing that required so much attention that I could effect an escape. People make innocent mistakes- sometimes I think our culture goes completely overboard criticizing honest mistakes.
My father and my mother were unprepared for parenthood. They were kids raising kids. I am comfortable saying this because as I grew older, I began to witness the levels of dysfunction that they exhibited. I could see they had problems. Even as a child, I think I lost credibility in their decisions.
My parents fought like cats and dogs. They were constantly yelling at each other and sometimes this erupted into physical violence. One of my earliest memories was watching my father drag my mother out of the house and then rough her up in the dirt driveway of the house we were living in. Of course, that behavior sounds insane today. But in those days, domestic violence was tolerated, if not expected. The arguments were frequent enough that I began to form my earliest bad beliefs. Two of those beliefs I carried for the rest of my life.
That yelling and violence were acceptable ways of dealing with people. Most importantly, I began to believe that I was responsible for my parents' anger with each other. Often they would direct their angry emotions at me- often enough- that I began to believe that I was somehow the cause of their problems. I developed that belief early enough that I never felt comfortable in my own skin. I felt tension anytime my father, mother, and I were together. Relief came when my folks would spend time with their families, or my grandparents. With witnesses around, my parents were far too prideful to disclose the truth- that they really just didn't like each other too much. They were always on their best behavior because part of our family dysfunction was to never tell anyone that you were having problems.
There's a huge problem with people who don't fully disclose the truth. They are never able to obtain useful, intervening, or helpful advice when you pretend everything is fine. This level of personal dishonesty or non disclosure poses problems that lead to even more dysfunction. Interestingly enough, hitting one another seems to have been pretty common in both of my parents families. Remember what I said about all behavior having been learned?
So my folks put their best face on and pretended that everything was ok. They could lie to their families, and maybe even themselves, but they couldn't lie to me. I knew what was happening even at age 5 or 6.
So those are the two most significant bad beliefs I acquired. I believed confrontations including anger were acceptable. I also believed that I was responsible for my parents' unhappy marriage- that maybe I was a reckless, hard to discipline ADHD type kid that adversely impacted their marriage. That it was my fault. Because of that, I felt my first twinges of guilt and shame. I never felt fully comfortable with myself after that.
My parents were actually pretty good people that simply had no skills for solving their problems or avoiding new ones. I know that now. They got a lot of things right and they tried very hard to be a family- I knew they were trying. They didn't give up even when they failed repeatedly as a couple. I am very grateful for that lesson, I learned resolve and truthful intent because of them.
For the most part, my childhood was a happy one. Our family moved to Butte, Mt. and I began to participate in sports and trying new things. Skiing, golfing, piano lessons, braces. That sort of thing. My parents were always trying to be good parents and even as a kid, I recognized that. In the end, there was always more fighting. Fighting about money, fighting about houses, fighting about families. My father began to drink a lot and I remember him coming home drunk often. One Christmas Eve, he got drunk and very sick, he was ushered into the bathroom by my mother. Ultimately, he would break a huge mirror that night in the bathroom and another fight broke out that continued thru Christmas Day.
My father had two emotions. Laughing and angry. Oddly, that is what I remember the most about him. As time went on I would see a lot more angry and a lot less laughing. He never talked about his feelings- ever. Nor did my mother. That was a huge part of my family dysfunction- my parents had no idea how to handle their emotions so they just bottled them up. Or drank them away.
In fact, the idea that people self medicate with alcohol, pot, and legal medications is an absolutely insane idea that has reached epidemic proportions. Do we engage in all of that self abuse because we have no other effective means of dealing with our emotions? You know what I think.
If there ever was a town that encouraged dysfunction it was Butte. As my parents' fighting grew worse and worse, all I wanted to do was get away from them and our house. I spent every waking moment away from home. I was playing pool in bars regularly, golfing, bowling, and gambling, (I had a job picking up range balls) being a funny guy in class and getting in trouble with the nuns at my Catholic school. I engaged in a lot of attention seeking behaviors now that I see all of that clearly. I started chewing tobacco and stealing regularly from grocery stores. I had my first drink at age 11 and I loved it. I drank at our Italian neighbor's house every chance I could. I learned how to play poker. I started stealing tobacco when I had spent all of my summer funds. I got caught stealing when I was 12 or 13.
Strangely after my run in with the Butte cops and subsequently, my angry father, instead of stopping my career of shoplifting- I vowed instead that I would never get caught shoplifting again. I never did.
One other thing happened that would have a huge impact on me later in life. I witnessed a stabbing, a murder in a Butte bar. When they brought the drunken suspect out and put him in the squad car, I can honestly say that at that very moment- was the very first moment that I ever felt hate. I don't know why exactly. I do know that my career choices later in life, would bring me back to that moment.
I loved living in Butte. The Butte of my childhood was a busy, wide open town that all but ignored most laws. Butte certainly shaped me. I never wanted to leave. I have to be honest and say that I was a fully engorged- childhood delinquent. I hid most of that delinquency from my folks. But the copper mine was shutting down and everyone was leaving Butte. So were we. My parents were fighting constantly over a house they were building in Missoula. We were moving soon. It was the summer of 1975.
All behavior is learned. My parent's dysfunctions and bad beliefs had to come from somewhere. Of course this makes sense- their dysfunction came directly from their family and personal experiences. Throughout this piece, I am going to refer to these beliefs and how they positively and adversely affected me. My father was 22, my mother was 20 when I was born.
As a young child, I had very high energy. Most members of my family have told me this. I remember some of it- but generally not prior to the age of 4. Had I been born years later, they might very well have diagnosed me with ADHD or attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. In the early 60's, nobody had heard of such a thing. Thankfully. I often wonder about the effects of prescription drugs on brains that are still forming. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attention_deficit_hyperactivity_disorder
So I was a handful. At the age of 3 in Minneapolis, I ran away and was picked up blocks away- by the police. I have often wondered what my mother thought after losing a child like that. Incidentally, she has never me what she was doing that required so much attention that I could effect an escape. People make innocent mistakes- sometimes I think our culture goes completely overboard criticizing honest mistakes.
My father and my mother were unprepared for parenthood. They were kids raising kids. I am comfortable saying this because as I grew older, I began to witness the levels of dysfunction that they exhibited. I could see they had problems. Even as a child, I think I lost credibility in their decisions.
My parents fought like cats and dogs. They were constantly yelling at each other and sometimes this erupted into physical violence. One of my earliest memories was watching my father drag my mother out of the house and then rough her up in the dirt driveway of the house we were living in. Of course, that behavior sounds insane today. But in those days, domestic violence was tolerated, if not expected. The arguments were frequent enough that I began to form my earliest bad beliefs. Two of those beliefs I carried for the rest of my life.
That yelling and violence were acceptable ways of dealing with people. Most importantly, I began to believe that I was responsible for my parents' anger with each other. Often they would direct their angry emotions at me- often enough- that I began to believe that I was somehow the cause of their problems. I developed that belief early enough that I never felt comfortable in my own skin. I felt tension anytime my father, mother, and I were together. Relief came when my folks would spend time with their families, or my grandparents. With witnesses around, my parents were far too prideful to disclose the truth- that they really just didn't like each other too much. They were always on their best behavior because part of our family dysfunction was to never tell anyone that you were having problems.
There's a huge problem with people who don't fully disclose the truth. They are never able to obtain useful, intervening, or helpful advice when you pretend everything is fine. This level of personal dishonesty or non disclosure poses problems that lead to even more dysfunction. Interestingly enough, hitting one another seems to have been pretty common in both of my parents families. Remember what I said about all behavior having been learned?
So my folks put their best face on and pretended that everything was ok. They could lie to their families, and maybe even themselves, but they couldn't lie to me. I knew what was happening even at age 5 or 6.
So those are the two most significant bad beliefs I acquired. I believed confrontations including anger were acceptable. I also believed that I was responsible for my parents' unhappy marriage- that maybe I was a reckless, hard to discipline ADHD type kid that adversely impacted their marriage. That it was my fault. Because of that, I felt my first twinges of guilt and shame. I never felt fully comfortable with myself after that.
My parents were actually pretty good people that simply had no skills for solving their problems or avoiding new ones. I know that now. They got a lot of things right and they tried very hard to be a family- I knew they were trying. They didn't give up even when they failed repeatedly as a couple. I am very grateful for that lesson, I learned resolve and truthful intent because of them.
For the most part, my childhood was a happy one. Our family moved to Butte, Mt. and I began to participate in sports and trying new things. Skiing, golfing, piano lessons, braces. That sort of thing. My parents were always trying to be good parents and even as a kid, I recognized that. In the end, there was always more fighting. Fighting about money, fighting about houses, fighting about families. My father began to drink a lot and I remember him coming home drunk often. One Christmas Eve, he got drunk and very sick, he was ushered into the bathroom by my mother. Ultimately, he would break a huge mirror that night in the bathroom and another fight broke out that continued thru Christmas Day.
My father had two emotions. Laughing and angry. Oddly, that is what I remember the most about him. As time went on I would see a lot more angry and a lot less laughing. He never talked about his feelings- ever. Nor did my mother. That was a huge part of my family dysfunction- my parents had no idea how to handle their emotions so they just bottled them up. Or drank them away.
In fact, the idea that people self medicate with alcohol, pot, and legal medications is an absolutely insane idea that has reached epidemic proportions. Do we engage in all of that self abuse because we have no other effective means of dealing with our emotions? You know what I think.
If there ever was a town that encouraged dysfunction it was Butte. As my parents' fighting grew worse and worse, all I wanted to do was get away from them and our house. I spent every waking moment away from home. I was playing pool in bars regularly, golfing, bowling, and gambling, (I had a job picking up range balls) being a funny guy in class and getting in trouble with the nuns at my Catholic school. I engaged in a lot of attention seeking behaviors now that I see all of that clearly. I started chewing tobacco and stealing regularly from grocery stores. I had my first drink at age 11 and I loved it. I drank at our Italian neighbor's house every chance I could. I learned how to play poker. I started stealing tobacco when I had spent all of my summer funds. I got caught stealing when I was 12 or 13.
Strangely after my run in with the Butte cops and subsequently, my angry father, instead of stopping my career of shoplifting- I vowed instead that I would never get caught shoplifting again. I never did.
One other thing happened that would have a huge impact on me later in life. I witnessed a stabbing, a murder in a Butte bar. When they brought the drunken suspect out and put him in the squad car, I can honestly say that at that very moment- was the very first moment that I ever felt hate. I don't know why exactly. I do know that my career choices later in life, would bring me back to that moment.
I loved living in Butte. The Butte of my childhood was a busy, wide open town that all but ignored most laws. Butte certainly shaped me. I never wanted to leave. I have to be honest and say that I was a fully engorged- childhood delinquent. I hid most of that delinquency from my folks. But the copper mine was shutting down and everyone was leaving Butte. So were we. My parents were fighting constantly over a house they were building in Missoula. We were moving soon. It was the summer of 1975.
Thursday, May 30, 2013
How I Repaired My Life, Introduction
I don't think that anyone learns anything from theory or hypothetical situations that never occur. I never did. I have no memory of some theory or of some incident that never took place. There is no resultant experience. Nothing to draw on. People learn from doing. From succeeding and failing. They feel and they remember that feeling- that is where learning comes from. They might learn from others who are willing to tell the truth about themselves- but only if they share common bonds with you.
So people learn from doing and from feeling. They can store facts and numbers that were learned in a classroom- but chances are- they won't feel those facts or numbers.
I remember songs from the 70's. I feel them when I hear them. I remember how old I was, where I was, and how I felt about them. It is this sense of feeling, of learning, that I will share with you.
How do you know what I'm about to say here is the truth?
Because nobody shreds themselves on a blog and delivers it to the world. There is simply no reason to do so. When people shred themselves and lay bare all that is bad about them- we discover truth. Once we have uncovered the truth about ourselves, we can accept what is bad about ourselves as so many do, or we can make repairs. We can improve our condition. Nobody can do this except you. Well, with the help of a tour guide.
We learn from the good things in our lives, of course, and we seek to feel those feelings over and over again. Sometimes we cannot recapture them. Sometimes we lose them. When we lose those feelings, can we recover them? Can we find new and better feelings to repair or to replace them?
What's so far-fetched about seeking repairs? Things in our lives such as our houses, cars, appliances, even our relationships, all wear out over time. That seems normal to me. When the belt slips off your dryer and it quits working- you diagnose that and you fix it. Don't you?
So the things that are working properly in my life, or your life, don't need repairs. Those are the good feelings. But the things in my life that are not working- need repairs. That's where I focus.
I am no longer ashamed of the things that are bad about me, the things that need repairing. Without them, I would have learned nothing.
Everything that I am about to write about my life and about myself is true. I am doing this because it is the truth and there is something to be learned from people willing to tell the truth. I have to take the chance that what I am about to disclose about myself will help you. I hope that it doesn't embarrass you.
I am going to write this piece in four parts, or in blocks of my life up to and including the beginning of my 5th block. I am 52 years old. I am the fire sign, Sagittarius, for those who are curious. I am a risk taker. That's why I'm here. Here's a link that sums up who and what I am. I am no astrology buff, but I am in awe at how accurate these things can be. http://astrology.about.com/od/foundations/p/FireElement.htm
I am going to try and write one part per week. I have to be wrapped up by the first part of July. My RoadKing whispers to me. *Editors note- things don't always go as planned.
So people learn from doing and from feeling. They can store facts and numbers that were learned in a classroom- but chances are- they won't feel those facts or numbers.
I remember songs from the 70's. I feel them when I hear them. I remember how old I was, where I was, and how I felt about them. It is this sense of feeling, of learning, that I will share with you.
How do you know what I'm about to say here is the truth?
Because nobody shreds themselves on a blog and delivers it to the world. There is simply no reason to do so. When people shred themselves and lay bare all that is bad about them- we discover truth. Once we have uncovered the truth about ourselves, we can accept what is bad about ourselves as so many do, or we can make repairs. We can improve our condition. Nobody can do this except you. Well, with the help of a tour guide.
We learn from the good things in our lives, of course, and we seek to feel those feelings over and over again. Sometimes we cannot recapture them. Sometimes we lose them. When we lose those feelings, can we recover them? Can we find new and better feelings to repair or to replace them?
What's so far-fetched about seeking repairs? Things in our lives such as our houses, cars, appliances, even our relationships, all wear out over time. That seems normal to me. When the belt slips off your dryer and it quits working- you diagnose that and you fix it. Don't you?
So the things that are working properly in my life, or your life, don't need repairs. Those are the good feelings. But the things in my life that are not working- need repairs. That's where I focus.
I am no longer ashamed of the things that are bad about me, the things that need repairing. Without them, I would have learned nothing.
Everything that I am about to write about my life and about myself is true. I am doing this because it is the truth and there is something to be learned from people willing to tell the truth. I have to take the chance that what I am about to disclose about myself will help you. I hope that it doesn't embarrass you.
I am going to write this piece in four parts, or in blocks of my life up to and including the beginning of my 5th block. I am 52 years old. I am the fire sign, Sagittarius, for those who are curious. I am a risk taker. That's why I'm here. Here's a link that sums up who and what I am. I am no astrology buff, but I am in awe at how accurate these things can be. http://astrology.about.com/od/foundations/p/FireElement.htm
I am going to try and write one part per week. I have to be wrapped up by the first part of July. My RoadKing whispers to me. *Editors note- things don't always go as planned.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
There Is An Emotional Solution
I realized that it had been a long time since I've stopped by this place.
That's a shame because the solution is here. Oddly, I found myself drifting away from here. Not because I was bored or tired...but because what I've written here works. There was nothing more to say.
I was able to wrestle my life back. An unconscious life that had been hijacked by a crazy ego. The solution appears permanent. I've been here over 4 years and everything is good and getting better.
I had this crazy idea once- that other people might be interested in doing what I had done. That maybe I had stumbled onto something other people would find useful.
If I told you that you never had to feel a negative emotion, or if you did (such as grief) that you would have the means to identify your emotions, plot a solution, and recover quickly- would you be interested in that?
What if you never felt anger again because you had a solution for that? How about a solution for fear and depression? Can the mind conquer and cure all of that? Can it identify and diagnose a problem and apply a solution? Yes, it can. But not by using the same old traditional methods that do not work.
The only time I feel a negative emotion is when I consciously choose to- and that is rare. Once in awhile, I still get caught off guard but that is even getting fairly rare.
The problem that I have encountered over the past five years is that I have found a solution for virtually all of my negative emotions by installing an entirely new and healthy belief system. I literally jettisoned everything that I had been programmed with- things which everyone extolls- things which didn't work.
It's like finding a cure for cancer and not being able to give it away. I know it sounds smug but I have to risk that impression to be honest here. I found something very unorthodox that works.
There is no neon sign over my head that says..."emotionally free guy here." The outside world just sees another human being. A human being that they assume falls prey to the vast emotional pitfalls that plague everyone. Maybe that's the way it should be.
So I would like to think I know when it's time to call it quits.
I have to be realistic. I want to thank the people who have stopped by. If you are having problems resolving an issue, if you have acquired resentments that you cannot free yourself from and they are ruining relationships, if you are angry, scared, jealous, or all of those things..or suffering from the loss of a loved one and you cannot get past it...I may be able to help you quiet your mind and get you to a place of calm and understanding.
Please email me if you'd like, my email is on the home page. I will treat your correspondence with the utmost care and confidentiality.
Brian
That's a shame because the solution is here. Oddly, I found myself drifting away from here. Not because I was bored or tired...but because what I've written here works. There was nothing more to say.
I was able to wrestle my life back. An unconscious life that had been hijacked by a crazy ego. The solution appears permanent. I've been here over 4 years and everything is good and getting better.
I had this crazy idea once- that other people might be interested in doing what I had done. That maybe I had stumbled onto something other people would find useful.
If I told you that you never had to feel a negative emotion, or if you did (such as grief) that you would have the means to identify your emotions, plot a solution, and recover quickly- would you be interested in that?
What if you never felt anger again because you had a solution for that? How about a solution for fear and depression? Can the mind conquer and cure all of that? Can it identify and diagnose a problem and apply a solution? Yes, it can. But not by using the same old traditional methods that do not work.
The only time I feel a negative emotion is when I consciously choose to- and that is rare. Once in awhile, I still get caught off guard but that is even getting fairly rare.
The problem that I have encountered over the past five years is that I have found a solution for virtually all of my negative emotions by installing an entirely new and healthy belief system. I literally jettisoned everything that I had been programmed with- things which everyone extolls- things which didn't work.
It's like finding a cure for cancer and not being able to give it away. I know it sounds smug but I have to risk that impression to be honest here. I found something very unorthodox that works.
There is no neon sign over my head that says..."emotionally free guy here." The outside world just sees another human being. A human being that they assume falls prey to the vast emotional pitfalls that plague everyone. Maybe that's the way it should be.
So I would like to think I know when it's time to call it quits.
I have to be realistic. I want to thank the people who have stopped by. If you are having problems resolving an issue, if you have acquired resentments that you cannot free yourself from and they are ruining relationships, if you are angry, scared, jealous, or all of those things..or suffering from the loss of a loved one and you cannot get past it...I may be able to help you quiet your mind and get you to a place of calm and understanding.
Please email me if you'd like, my email is on the home page. I will treat your correspondence with the utmost care and confidentiality.
Brian
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Flaunting Religion
For several years, I was haunted by a religious woman. She was one of those people that would have you believe she was perfect. She eats only healthy, organic foods. Never smokes or drinks. Exercises frequently. She wears every piece of safety equipment known to man. She has a master's degree. She never uses profanity. To have her tell the story, you'd think God reached out and selected her to be his ambassador.
Back in the day, this gal irritated me. There is just no other way to describe it. Initially I felt inferior, left out. This gal always made a point of letting you know in some passive way, just how put together and perfect she was. I truly don't believe that her unconscious ego was trying to diminish mine- but that always seemed to be the net effect. Maybe we all have a few people like this in our lives. These people tend to make me question things. That type of behavior begs the question. Inherently, I knew there was something wrong with a God that presents himself to one person but not another. Why then did she seemed so convinced that God exists and why was I an agnostic, a skeptic and a non believer?
The answer as it turns out, has nothing to do with God. It has everything to do with who we are- and what our ego demands of us.
Had I continued to live life in my unconscious state, I think my ego would have continued to be irritated by this person. Allowing this person to live rent free in my head would have taken up a lot of energy better spent elsewhere. How then do we resolve these religious crusaders who make us feel inferior?
The key is in understanding how and why people are motivated. We know that people are motivated by fear- mostly irrational fear by unconscious egos- so we begin to see how people who were given hell and heaven belief systems might be motivated by fear. Given the possibility of eternal life or a life of hell and damnation- she selected the eternal life option because she fears the alternative. It is that simple. Whether she intuitively or truly believes in God- is a question for her to ask herself internally.
Fear and love are mutually exclusive concepts. They are water and fire.
Today I have a belief system that says an all loving God does not threaten me with hell. That those who love- do not threaten the people that they purportedly love. I also no longer feel diminished when someone adamantly believes in a concept of God that departs from mine. I accept that other people have differing belief systems. I do not march my concepts out like matters of fact.
I do not point to the Bible and declare it to be 100% true. In fact, I find 100 percent accuracy rather hard to believe, if not impossible, given the fallibility of human writers. Obviously, I don't know.
But most importantly, I am no longer threatened nor do I feel diminished when somebody tells me that I better get religion or else. I understand that they are well intentioned. That the crusaders are simply acting on belief systems and irrational fears, extolling what they believe to be the word of God rather than the words of men. I let people believe what they want to believe. I am in control of my ego and I recognize my fears. I no longer feel diminished by nor do I find it necessary to defend my beliefs with the crusaders who do not share my beliefs.
I have faith. Faith that a loving God does not select just a special few to receive his gifts and ignore the rest of us- nor punish those of us who simply can't grasp spiritual concepts. I don't see any compelling reason or need for those who do grasp spiritual concepts- to flaunt them. It simply doesn't make sense to me.
So I am learning to accept people or crusaders without feeling diminished by them.
Back in the day, this gal irritated me. There is just no other way to describe it. Initially I felt inferior, left out. This gal always made a point of letting you know in some passive way, just how put together and perfect she was. I truly don't believe that her unconscious ego was trying to diminish mine- but that always seemed to be the net effect. Maybe we all have a few people like this in our lives. These people tend to make me question things. That type of behavior begs the question. Inherently, I knew there was something wrong with a God that presents himself to one person but not another. Why then did she seemed so convinced that God exists and why was I an agnostic, a skeptic and a non believer?
The answer as it turns out, has nothing to do with God. It has everything to do with who we are- and what our ego demands of us.
Had I continued to live life in my unconscious state, I think my ego would have continued to be irritated by this person. Allowing this person to live rent free in my head would have taken up a lot of energy better spent elsewhere. How then do we resolve these religious crusaders who make us feel inferior?
The key is in understanding how and why people are motivated. We know that people are motivated by fear- mostly irrational fear by unconscious egos- so we begin to see how people who were given hell and heaven belief systems might be motivated by fear. Given the possibility of eternal life or a life of hell and damnation- she selected the eternal life option because she fears the alternative. It is that simple. Whether she intuitively or truly believes in God- is a question for her to ask herself internally.
Fear and love are mutually exclusive concepts. They are water and fire.
Today I have a belief system that says an all loving God does not threaten me with hell. That those who love- do not threaten the people that they purportedly love. I also no longer feel diminished when someone adamantly believes in a concept of God that departs from mine. I accept that other people have differing belief systems. I do not march my concepts out like matters of fact.
I do not point to the Bible and declare it to be 100% true. In fact, I find 100 percent accuracy rather hard to believe, if not impossible, given the fallibility of human writers. Obviously, I don't know.
But most importantly, I am no longer threatened nor do I feel diminished when somebody tells me that I better get religion or else. I understand that they are well intentioned. That the crusaders are simply acting on belief systems and irrational fears, extolling what they believe to be the word of God rather than the words of men. I let people believe what they want to believe. I am in control of my ego and I recognize my fears. I no longer feel diminished by nor do I find it necessary to defend my beliefs with the crusaders who do not share my beliefs.
I have faith. Faith that a loving God does not select just a special few to receive his gifts and ignore the rest of us- nor punish those of us who simply can't grasp spiritual concepts. I don't see any compelling reason or need for those who do grasp spiritual concepts- to flaunt them. It simply doesn't make sense to me.
So I am learning to accept people or crusaders without feeling diminished by them.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Recover!
Osama Bin Laden was a very successful hater. He managed to turn our free country into a prison camp. As a country, we have never recovered. I am reminded of that every time I see TSA workers at the airport. OBL won, we lost.
A few days ago, a mentally ill man in Colorado walked into a movie theater and began shooting and killing people. That is pretty sad. It's sad on a lot of fronts, not the least of which is our society's terrible response to the mentally ill. Our country thinks nothing of fueling the costs of war everywhere- but spends nothing on our own people. I have to ask...
Are we so incompetent as human beings that we think these things are completely unpreventable?
The truth is- is that as a culture we probably have staved off a number of shootings. People do intervene. Community members often recognize mentally ill people and help out when they can. There is a lot of good in people- good that we most likely will never hear or read about. So it stands to reason that every once in awhile- the mentally ill fall through the cracks. A few of them get by us.
Could the movie theater shootings have been prevented? Possibly. It is unclear at this point who if anyone- had access to this mentally ill person. Who could have intervened? We don't know. The media doesn't relay that information to us. We never seem to learn much about ourselves from these incidents. It's as though they are presented to us in a vacuum- completely unpreventable- until the next one.
Real emotional freedom is centered on a couple of principles. These are non negotiable principles. One of those principles is refusing to be a victim. Ever. Even if someone shoots you in a Colorado movie theater.
By refusing to be a victim, even when you are a victim, you take away the power of your attackers. You do not wallow in self pity. You do not wallow in anger. You are emotionally free.
I will leave you with a news story about two victims of the recent Colorado shooting. One has a spiritual solution- the other has nothing. The difference, who recovers and who does not, will be quite clear to you as you read the piece. http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/lookout/colorado-shooting-victim-forgives-holmes-142413141.html
A few days ago, a mentally ill man in Colorado walked into a movie theater and began shooting and killing people. That is pretty sad. It's sad on a lot of fronts, not the least of which is our society's terrible response to the mentally ill. Our country thinks nothing of fueling the costs of war everywhere- but spends nothing on our own people. I have to ask...
Are we so incompetent as human beings that we think these things are completely unpreventable?
The truth is- is that as a culture we probably have staved off a number of shootings. People do intervene. Community members often recognize mentally ill people and help out when they can. There is a lot of good in people- good that we most likely will never hear or read about. So it stands to reason that every once in awhile- the mentally ill fall through the cracks. A few of them get by us.
Could the movie theater shootings have been prevented? Possibly. It is unclear at this point who if anyone- had access to this mentally ill person. Who could have intervened? We don't know. The media doesn't relay that information to us. We never seem to learn much about ourselves from these incidents. It's as though they are presented to us in a vacuum- completely unpreventable- until the next one.
Real emotional freedom is centered on a couple of principles. These are non negotiable principles. One of those principles is refusing to be a victim. Ever. Even if someone shoots you in a Colorado movie theater.
By refusing to be a victim, even when you are a victim, you take away the power of your attackers. You do not wallow in self pity. You do not wallow in anger. You are emotionally free.
I will leave you with a news story about two victims of the recent Colorado shooting. One has a spiritual solution- the other has nothing. The difference, who recovers and who does not, will be quite clear to you as you read the piece. http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/lookout/colorado-shooting-victim-forgives-holmes-142413141.html
Friday, July 13, 2012
The Great Lie of the Morbidly Optimistic
Several years ago, I was able to find a solution and embrace the concept of living every day without any negative feelings. Gone were those giant downer mood swings which would happen when things didn't go my way. Every day became a good day. Even the bad ones. Does that make sense? If I can convey this thought with a little precision- it should.
In my past life, the one that occurred prior to 2007, I can only describe my life as depressed. Moody at the very best. I could not see the good in anything. I actually had a co-worker call me Chief Black Cloud. In as much as I was depressed- and my co-worker had given me an accurate description- I simply had no solution. None.
My solution, as it came about, was divinely inspired. It did not come via a therapist or a prescription bottle. It did not come because people pointed out flaws or teased me. To say that I am responsible for it is simply ridiculous. And while I was evolving out of that dark place...there were the antagonists.
Over the years I have met a small class of people which I refer to as the morbidly optimistic. That class of people who refuse to discuss anything so long as they deem it potentially threatening to their eternal optimism. Everything is measured and weighed according to their internal controls.
Here is the key. The morbidly optimistic believe that if they remain focused on positive things or outcomes- that only positive things will happen to them. They want the whole world to see them as happy people. Spreading joy and goodwill wherever they go. It is incredibly important to them that others recognize this. They worship the day and refuse to acknowledge the night.
The great lie of the morbidly optimistic is that if they simply ignore bad things- the bad things will go away. Only good things will happen to them. When those bad things come, they gloss over it. Pretend it doesn't bother them and tell others that they are are fine when they are not. Part of that I think comes from a cultural or emotional dishonesty that we practice.
Honestly, I find the morbidly optimistic incredibly annoying. I agree with their goals- I simply disagree with their methodology which tends to involve labeling things as bad, denying the existence of bad things, or both. So if I want emotional calm and happiness in my life without coming off like some optimistic crusader in denial- how do I do that?
Many years ago, I realized that my denial of the damaging or bad events in life- led to my emotional unpreparedness when adverse things happened. When bad things happen- the damage was made worse because I had not prepared for it nor did I have the means of managing it. The other problem, the real issue, was labeling things as bad to begin with. Why does everything have to be good or bad? Can't things just be?
So I embarked on a two part mission. I would never deny the bad things in life. I would realize and accept that things go bad. That illnesses occur. That people and pets die. That pipes clog and break and the neighbor's dog poops in my yard. That people are depressed and hurting. They have not found the way out yet. That is life. None of it is a mystery nor does my denial of it make it go away. I am prepared. I fix the pipes and pick up the poop. But the most important thing I have done- was that I quit labeling life as good or bad. Life just is. Every day is enjoyable not because I deny bad things- but because I embrace them. I am prepared for them.
I am as perfectly comfortable talking about any of the "depressing" things in life as I am talking about all of the good and uplifting things. I see optimism and pessimism as valid perspectives. I attach no more credibility to one than the other. I don't label life that way- although I have to use traditional labels- to convey that point here. When we prepare for all outcomes- good or bad- we no longer see life the same way. We are embracing and practicing emotional honesty; optimism becomes a side effect of the way we view things.
I still have a few morbidly optimistic people in my life who seem to be more than happy to tell me how I should be living. Very often, I simply giggle at the nauseating promotion and positive spin they put on everything. I am ok with it and I find that the morbidly optimistic are not as annoying as they once were. My days are all enjoyable now- not because I label them good or bad- but because I see them in a different way. They are just days.
In my past life, the one that occurred prior to 2007, I can only describe my life as depressed. Moody at the very best. I could not see the good in anything. I actually had a co-worker call me Chief Black Cloud. In as much as I was depressed- and my co-worker had given me an accurate description- I simply had no solution. None.
My solution, as it came about, was divinely inspired. It did not come via a therapist or a prescription bottle. It did not come because people pointed out flaws or teased me. To say that I am responsible for it is simply ridiculous. And while I was evolving out of that dark place...there were the antagonists.
Over the years I have met a small class of people which I refer to as the morbidly optimistic. That class of people who refuse to discuss anything so long as they deem it potentially threatening to their eternal optimism. Everything is measured and weighed according to their internal controls.
Here is the key. The morbidly optimistic believe that if they remain focused on positive things or outcomes- that only positive things will happen to them. They want the whole world to see them as happy people. Spreading joy and goodwill wherever they go. It is incredibly important to them that others recognize this. They worship the day and refuse to acknowledge the night.
The great lie of the morbidly optimistic is that if they simply ignore bad things- the bad things will go away. Only good things will happen to them. When those bad things come, they gloss over it. Pretend it doesn't bother them and tell others that they are are fine when they are not. Part of that I think comes from a cultural or emotional dishonesty that we practice.
Honestly, I find the morbidly optimistic incredibly annoying. I agree with their goals- I simply disagree with their methodology which tends to involve labeling things as bad, denying the existence of bad things, or both. So if I want emotional calm and happiness in my life without coming off like some optimistic crusader in denial- how do I do that?
Many years ago, I realized that my denial of the damaging or bad events in life- led to my emotional unpreparedness when adverse things happened. When bad things happen- the damage was made worse because I had not prepared for it nor did I have the means of managing it. The other problem, the real issue, was labeling things as bad to begin with. Why does everything have to be good or bad? Can't things just be?
So I embarked on a two part mission. I would never deny the bad things in life. I would realize and accept that things go bad. That illnesses occur. That people and pets die. That pipes clog and break and the neighbor's dog poops in my yard. That people are depressed and hurting. They have not found the way out yet. That is life. None of it is a mystery nor does my denial of it make it go away. I am prepared. I fix the pipes and pick up the poop. But the most important thing I have done- was that I quit labeling life as good or bad. Life just is. Every day is enjoyable not because I deny bad things- but because I embrace them. I am prepared for them.
I am as perfectly comfortable talking about any of the "depressing" things in life as I am talking about all of the good and uplifting things. I see optimism and pessimism as valid perspectives. I attach no more credibility to one than the other. I don't label life that way- although I have to use traditional labels- to convey that point here. When we prepare for all outcomes- good or bad- we no longer see life the same way. We are embracing and practicing emotional honesty; optimism becomes a side effect of the way we view things.
I still have a few morbidly optimistic people in my life who seem to be more than happy to tell me how I should be living. Very often, I simply giggle at the nauseating promotion and positive spin they put on everything. I am ok with it and I find that the morbidly optimistic are not as annoying as they once were. My days are all enjoyable now- not because I label them good or bad- but because I see them in a different way. They are just days.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
