To Thine Ownself Be True Part II

Any fool can try to defend his mistakes - and most fools do - but it gives one a feeling of nobility to admit one's mistakes. By fighting, you never get enough, but by yielding, you get more than you expected.
-- Lawrence G. Lovasik

I never felt nobility in admitting mistakes- feeling noble isn't the point. Identifying and accepting mistakes is about learning something and refusing to repeat it. I yield, therefore I learn. A great man once said, "stupidity is the inability to accept your mistakes and learn anything from them."

--Me

I found myself in an odd predicament. A predicament that I had never confronted before. As long as I continued to be a nice guy, the problem lingered. It was not getting better nor could it. The relationship remained status quo.

In this situation, I can honestly say that continuing to be a nice guy meant that I would keep achieving the same diminishing results. Any soft exit strategy would not resolve the problem because in effect and to the degree I don't like the label- I had become a doormat. I would have to tweak the volume knob just a bit-

Thus a few days ago, I accepted that the only exit strategy that could be effective in this situation would be a hard one. Nothing else would work.

That's not to say that I was looking forward to the ordeal. I cannot claim any high ground, I cannot say that I did it anger free. I was not looking for any win. I had identified the problem but it was not mine to fix. I had been on a long losing streak within that relationship and so one more mark in the L column would not make much difference. It didn't matter who won the daily battle, the war could get over. So it was that the end justified the means. Maybe we turned the volume up a little too much. I suppose it was more honest than just shutting my phone off and getting a new one. At the end of the day we both knew where we stood.

I learned a lot of things in that relationship. I learned tremendous patience and tolerance. I became reacquainted with loneliness and to some degree, isolation. I learned that unconditional love can work until such point that it comes in conflict with the love you should have for yourself. I learned that despite the best intentions of what people might say or do, it is their actions that speak the loudest. That power within a relationship is not always used responsibly. Or that love has some universally agreed upon definition. I also learned that sometimes we really do have insurmountable problems that can't be resolved. No amount of intellectualizing or wizardry can save things. Relationships are not about winning or losing. They are about trying hard to make them work. It is an immature mind indeed that searches for the relationship of greatest convenience. The easiest and softest one. When you are satisfied that you have done your best and failed, you should prepare yourself for acceptance.

In some tangible way, nothing changed at the end of the day. Nothing was lost that had not already been lost. Odd.

So tonight I get to practice acceptance. Tomorrow I will practice more acceptance. In a few days or weeks, it will be a chapter of my life that I have closed. I know that the only constant on this planet is change and I know that it was the best thing to do for the two of us.

I wished it could have gone better- but that in fact was what kept it going. You know it is a curious fact that the only man that might have showed us how to behave in a relationship- never had one. That is a shame because today I could have used some pointers.

At the end of the day, it is only just a day. I wish you all, every last one of you, the best possible New Year!

To Thine Ownself Be True

One of the hardest things I've had to learn was the simple act of emotional de-investment. Moving to acceptance and learning to do that with a minimum of emotional distress.

That does not mean you "un-love" somebody.

Learning how to de-invest in someone is brought about by understanding. This is a situation where you have "done your best." If you can say that you have done your best, that is all that you can do. If you have not been met half way by your relationship partner, you are fast approaching that time when withdrawal is imminent. You cannot make someone else- do "your" best.

Some people are simply incapable of having meaningful and committed relationships. They simply do not understand what that is. I understand that now. This is a good point to define contextually what a meaningful relationship is.

It is a commitment to support another human being. To love and accept them. To be available when they need you most. To involve each other intimately. To make your partner a priority. To fight for them and never against them.

I have missed this unity of two people.

If you find yourself in a situation where those things are missing, that they were never there or they have since dwindled away- this is a relationship that is drawing to a close.

As I reflect back upon my life, I see those things clearly now. I have been in committed relationships and I have been in fractured types of relationships. I thank God that I have had both because that has given me the perspective to tell one from the other.

Tonight I was grocery shopping when I spotted a couple leaning on each other and asking what they should buy this week. They actually had a conversation where each one participated in the conversation and giggled back and forth. They had two young children with them. They had a gleam in their eyes. I saw them throughout my travels in the store and behind me in the check out line. They had a commitment. You just knew this couple was tight. I could see that and I smiled. I paused just a moment before I left. I remember how that felt. I hope I can feel that way just once more.

Over the past year I've had to emotionally de-invest in a number of relationships. They were emotionally unhealthy for me. The pieces, as I define them, were simply not there any longer- if they ever were. To do your best and accept that sometimes your best is not good enough is mature. You simply cannot make someone love you when they lack the perspective of ever having a committed relationship. They don't know what that is- or are missing- and you can't help them find that.

I've had to de-invest in family situations as well. That's not to say I have withdrawn completely. I simply have to accept that people are free to live their lives. I place no expectations on their success or failures. I've seen the best and the worst outcomes. I agree to accept either. I am not the conductor and I have to trust that everyone has a purpose here. Ultimately we all make decisions based on our standing within relationships. When it is clear that you are missing most of the pieces, or you feel significantly diminished, it may be time for a tactical withdrawal. This does not require any anger, or even an explanation. You do not have to feel ashamed nor do you have to blame others. You simply have to be true to yourself.

How To Manage Extreme Self-Centeredness

We are all born with the instinct for survival. We are exposed to punishment themes. We seek the love and support of others, not harsh words and unkind acts. We seek recognition, success, and material wealth. To that end, we want what we want.

Wanting and self centered behavior are kind of joined at the hip. Most often we cannot have one without the other. In fact, those people that value material wealth or recognition above all other things tend to also be the most self centered. Over time, we might refer to them as "spoiled." That's just been my experience. It is only my opinion. It may not be true for you.

It is our job to become aware of our own selfish behavior. To at least attempt some moderation. That's the first step. Recognize and become aware of your own self serving behavior. How does it effect others?

It is also my belief that the vast majority of people who place their needs above all else do so unconsciously. They do not do this with malice or intent. They don't even have a conscious thought regarding it. Some folks become so self serving that they convince themselves and others that they are not self serving at all. I call this heightened unconsciousness.

So we accept that some self centered behavior is a fact of life. It is when that degree of self seeking behavior becomes so intolerable or so extreme that it adversely effects us. That we consistently have to avail ourselves of our own self worth and in some instances, abandon our own values to simply accommodate and tolerate the self-centeredness of those around us. When self seeking behavior becomes consistent and extreme, when it causes us to abandon our core values, then it has become a problem. How do we know when enough is enough?

This is what I have learned. In the workplace, extreme self-centeredness is the leading cause of job loss and conflict. I am convinced of that. Selfish people, people who hurt and diminish others in the workplace, are virtually unstoppable. They will go to extreme levels in an attempt to get what they want. Generally speaking, eventually that extreme level of self seeking reaches such an obvious level, that action (long over due) must be taken. Many times these people must be confronted and disciplined. Very often it ends in job or career loss, perhaps in civil or criminal action. Occasionally, the extremely self centered person can be reasoned with. I was able to get through to a couple of folks like that. I consider those among my most valued successes. If you are on a level or subordinate role with these types of co-working hostage takers, you will find yourself practicing not taking what they say or do personally, internal discipline and restraint, and acceptance. Sometimes a lot of acceptance. Sometimes we have to wait out a chaotic person like that, but more often than not, they will "fire" themselves. They just never seem to do it as quickly as most of us would like. Sometimes we must throw in the towel.

In personal relationships, this becomes a little easier. Extreme self seeking in personal relationships is also unconscious. Sometimes the people we love simply want what they want. We make concessions and allowances for them. Often they consistently display an unwillingness to make any effort, concession, or allowance for us. We find ourselves in a situation where the self seeking partner has displayed absolute indifference. They simply lack any capacity, whether conscious or unconscious, to meet us halfway. What happens next occurs- as a direct result of the capacity you have for allowing that situation to continue. Intuitively, like the work place hostage taker, many of us stay in relationships well beyond that point. When you begin to feel diminished, when you find your core values being manipulated and ignored (and perhaps you are even abandoning them) it is time to consider ending the relationship. In this instance, you will not have to wait for a boss to intervene- you can take action yourself. You may simply reject the relationship and extract yourself from it. Because you understand it is never personal, you simply look for the exit.

As a younger man, I often practiced extreme self-centeredness. I am not proud of that achievement. In fact, in some instances, it has been the source of humiliation and shame. Somewhere, somehow, I found the divine inspiration and courage it takes to recognize that part of my life. At first my ego was highly resistant. It simply didn't want to accept that I was selfish, perhaps extremely so. My ego wanted to deny and rationalize. To justify my conduct. It even sought out others who would agree and support my selfish behavior.

Today, I am still self-centered. I have not been able to eliminate selfish behavior nor do I think it is possible. But I do not practice self-centeredness in the extreme. I try to include others, often thinking about their needs ahead of my own. I am fully aware of the wanting and damage that all of that selfish and spoiled behavior in me causes. I still make mistakes, wanting selfish people to be a little less selfish and a little more willing to meet me halfway. I get frustrated at their denials and their unwillingness to work on themselves. Today, I have been able to identify those people who are willing to understand this basic concept. I am also removing myself from those situations of extreme self-centeredness which have caused me to question my worth and my values. I can't take their actions personally. I have to practice tolerance along with a great deal of acceptance. I have decisions to make and that's how I find myself managing these things.

Managing and Eliminating Anger

One of the biggest hurdles in my life was overcoming anger.

The root cause of anger, like all negative emotions, is fear. Often our fears are entirely based on the belief systems we have acquired coupled with our false sense of self. Ego.

I had always been an angry person. I know how that came about. Most of the time, I was able to repress or suppress my anger. I have met people who actually believed they have "cured" themselves of anger issues when in fact- all they have managed to do is bottle it up inside. Some can't manage to even bottle it up or repress it. Still others think they are entitled to anger. They don't even try to hide it. They simply run around terrorizing the people they think are demonizing them.

Have you ever heard someone say, "I can't control my anger?" That is as ridiculous as saying I can't eat anything except potato chips. Completely false. More accurately, they may not believe they can control their anger. Or perhaps they simply do not know how to eliminate anger. Or they truly have acquired a belief system that enjoys being angry. They choose anger.

People without anger issues are no better at resolving anger for others than a piano teacher that can't play a piano but tries to teach people to play. Perhaps the best credibility- comes from us angry souls that have scaled that mountain. That's not to say we didn't learn a lot from the examples of people that don't have anger issues. Sometimes those calm people were my role models. Sometimes, we looked at those people quizzically. Sometimes those calm and serene souls looked back at us the same way.

One of the goals in my life was to eliminate anger. While I haven't achieved 100% success, I have come pretty close. As I look back over this past year, I can honestly say I have only been genuinely angry twice. Was I justified? Nope. In fact, both instances were avoidable. You see, I chose to be angry.

The absolute cornerstone to eliminating anger is an absolute refusal to take other peoples' actions and words personally. That must be coupled with the same absolute refusal to make assumptions. Those two things, when committed and practiced rigorously, will eliminate (in my case) about 90% of anger causing situations.

It is fine tuning that other 10% that takes a little extra work. Those tend to be long term situations where people have uncovered your "buttons" and enjoy pushing them once in awhile. I risk manage those situations by preparing and risk managing those contacts well in advance. It might be as simple as dinner at someone's home or a glance at caller ID to let me know who is calling. Other situations arise, traffic incidents or the neighbors' dog, or perhaps his rude owner. My other neighbor throws loud parties that last all night. In many of those situations, because those situations tend to rise suddenly, I use a circuit breaker. As soon as I feel a negative emotion or threat, I no longer act. I pause and reflect.

I will give you a real life example. Last week, my friend's truck was parked on the street in front of my house. He is in Hawaii and I parked the truck there while he is out of town. Although it was directly in front of my house, it's positioning causes my neighbor to have to parallel park. The neighbor cannot just swoop in the spot in front of his house because the vacant space normally in front of my home- is no longer available for swooping. So he has to back in. The next morning I found my friend's truck had been egged. No other cars were egged. Although common sense indicates my neighbor was mostly likely responsible, I chose not to make that assumption. Confronting the neighbor would have just gotten a denial, perhaps facilitating some future feud. Revenge or calling the cops would have the same result.

I took the truck and washed it before freezing weather set in. I parked it across the street and out of his way. I let him "win." He can now swoop in again. My neighbor has no idea who I am. Not bad for a 6'4", 260 lb. "girly" man who wrestled drunks and maniacs for 25 years. Hey, I didn't say this would be easy.

I am committed to the process. I meditate. I refuse to take any thing personally and I don't make assumptions. I prepare for and manage "high risk" emotional situations before they occur. I "circuit break" any time I feel threatened, attacked, or a negative emotion. I process it and remember- it's never personal. I can let people bonk my car with eggs, that doesn't have anything to do with me. I can't assume it was the neighbor. I can't control the thought processes of people that think doing things like that is a good idea. The only thing I can do is control how I perceive the world, accept it, and not spend my evening trying to figure out some way to extract revenge. It's a lot better way to live- this sleeping at night with a clear conscience.

If We "Don't Take Anything Personally" Can We Still Have Emotionally Invested Relationships?

An excellent question, posed by a friend of mine. In fact, a young man in my life just posed the same question to me. Why do you love me when I consistently fail? What's in it for you?

Please remember that real love is the unconditional kind. Not obsessive, not infatuation, not superficial. That when we make decisions to love somebody, it should not involve any selfish intent. It does not require "something in return." This is not a business arrangement. Nor should you be thinking that I am going to control and change you to suit my needs. That includes, most importantly here, any idea that I can influence or induce somebody into loving me back.

Whether the people we love...love us back is really not that important to a point. We are invested in what we can control. We love unconditionally and selflessly. We let people be who they are. And love is generally returned to us. If it is not, if we feel as though we have become doormats or are being taken advantage of (this is victim thinking but it exists) then we must ask ourselves a simple question. How much of this will I endure? My capacity for endurance is great. But there comes a point when love crosses the line. That point when we recognize that the people in our lives are simply incapable of returning our love. I have no expectations on return capacity- I know intuitively when the effort is returned. Sometimes return capacity is greatly diminished.

This might involve poor family imprinting. A simple inability to grasp what love is. It may mean that we are simply growing weary of each other- that we are actually falling out of love. It may mean the person has a mental illness, a drug, or alcohol problem.

Love is not co-dependence. It is not self driven fear. It is not pain and suffering. In fact, sometimes love means we have no other choice than to let someone go. That our presence in their lives is preventing or stunting them from development or a greater capacity to love.

I find that in my life, if I know 100 people, that each of them has a different definition for love. But that rarely can any of them practice unconditional love. They practice conditional love almost always. Ok, I agree to love if you do this, this, and this. If you will just quit doing this, this, and this. If you don't comply with these demands, I shall withdraw my love for you. That is what we really practice. That isn't love. That's fear. Hostage taking. Putting lipstick on fear and calling it love- well we just don't have that alchemy. They are mutually exclusive. They cannot exist in the same place at the same time- like fire and water. When love turns into emotional hostage taking- then it is no longer love.

So to answer the question. It is possible for us to invest emotionally in our relationships? Nearly 100% so. It is impossible to think that we can make someone love us back in that same capacity. In fact, it doesn't really matter whether they do or they don't. We do our best. If they are able to return the favor we are enormously happy. If they cannot, we are still happy. If we have done our best, and our loved ones can't reflect our love back- we are simply left with a choice. Am I engaged in this relationship for reasons other than love? Am I fearful? Am I happy? Do I feel sorry for this person? Am I trying to perform a rescue here? There is a life cycle to love, like all things on this planet, and ultimately you are left with a choice that only you can answer. Sometimes that choice must be to detach. We have done our best. We have thrown the kitchen sink at this thing and there is simply nothing else we can do. Often when we detach, we are showing the ultimate love. Love for those that still need to progress and love for ourselves. Perhaps it is we- who will progress.

Applying "Don't Take Anything Personally" to the Extreme

In Ruiz's simple little masterpiece, " The Four Agreements" he makes an outlandish claim. Within the chapter, "Don't Take Anything Personally", Ruiz makes the claim that this includes somebody sticking a gun to your head and pulling the trigger. This was a polarizing statement for me at first pass and clearly extreme. Or so I thought. What is the logic behind such a claim? Is it true?

Ruiz makes a very clear point in the book. That people are simply living their lives. That they are living with the unconscious belief systems that were installed in them. That we simply don't know what those beliefs are. That others will see the world differently than ourselves. That they have pre-existing opinions and beliefs, just as we all do, which they believe to be true. Other people will act on those opinions and beliefs and that...never has anything to do with us.

That conditioning, those opinions and beliefs, are what allow prostitutes to be prostitutes while many of us could not do that. At the other end, material wealth may equate as success to a wall street banker. He may think nothing of stripping the public of their wealth as long as it is legal- perhaps illegal- as long as he doesn't get caught. A driver speeding through traffic may have decided that it is necessary that he speeds because being late may have a very detrimental impact on him.

We simply don't know what motivates others to do what they do. It's not particularly important either. We cannot possibly know all of those things. But what we can do- and the point of the whole chapter- is to recognize and accept that people are free to live their lives as they see fit.
But where Ruiz stops short, and to expand this just a bit, is that when we take things personally- we make the assumption that we are victims. Agreement three, "Don't Make Assumptions" applies here as well.

If we think our erratic driver's behavior endangered us, aren't we entitled to be victims? If our spouse cheats on us, aren't we victims? Surely we can find people to agree that we have been victimized, can't we? Of course we can. But that won't make us well. In fact, it is likely to emotionally mire us in even further.

Therefore our answer has to be no. That driver and that cheating spouse were making decisions based on beliefs that the behavior they were engaged in was necessary, rational, or justifiable. Those decisions do not have a thing to do with us. And if we allow ourselves to be feel victimized, we wallow in an emotional tar pit that consumes us. We cannot move emotionally forward. Our day is ruined because a driver was late for an appointment. Or in the case of a cheating spouse, I have seen "victim" spouses consumed with decades of hatred. Incapable of moving on. They cannot accept that their cheating spouse was simply living his or her life. That the decision to cheat had absolutely nothing to do with them.

If you find yourself wallowing in self pity, looking for people to agree with you that you were a "victim", you will find them. The time you spend languishing as a victim will be additional lost time. You will be mired in that tar pit of negative emotions, consumed with pity, anger, perhaps hatred while all the time...the other party will just continue living their lives. Oblivious, perhaps angering you even more at the apathy you suppose they display. Perhaps they will even generate a second round of "victimization" within you or perhaps you might ponder or conduct a revengeful counter attack.

This insanity is completely avoidable. We simply cannot achieve any level of spirituality until we can take "Don't Take Anything Personally" to the extreme. That people are simply living their lives and that never has anything to do with us. We also can't let the actions of others turn us into self pitying or angry souls. There is simply no upside, absolutely nothing to gain, when we can't practice acceptance of this simple agreement.

Does the logic make sense? Yes, of course it does. Is it true? It doesn't really matter. When we adopt this agreement, the logic becomes so powerful that we no longer feel animosity, anger, or hatred. We let people be just as sane or insane as they want to be. The actions of others have little or no negative impact on us. We practice acceptance and we get over it quickly. No need for decades of anger and frustration- no ruined days simply because someone roared up along side of us and cut us off as they weaved in and out of traffic to some undisclosed location. It works.

"Don't Take Anything Personally" is the virtual cornerstone of emotional freedom. It is essential and it is essential that it be practiced to the extreme. In fact, it is when those extreme things happen- when we feel desperate and alone- that we need this principle the most. It allows us to endure, heal quickly, and thrive.

To Be Re-born, You Have to Die First

First a brilliant quote.

I have often wished I had time to cultivate modesty... But I am too busy thinking about myself.

Edith Sitwell, As quoted in The Observer (30 April 1950)

- More quotations on: [Humility]

A few years ago, I found myself actively murdering my ego. This situation was brought about by the awakening and understanding that my false sense of self or ego, was preventing me from being happy and free. It had taken control of my life and had isolated me from the love of others. Being angry, depressed, and miserable is no way to live your life. And so I found myself at a crossroads. I could remain isolated and depressed. Or I could free myself. It was time to kill the hostage taker.

The good news is that I didn't leave a body behind. There was no crime to solve, no warrants of arrest, no burial.

I evaluated every belief system, every facet of my emotional life, and I put the pieces together and resolved them. As the dust settled on that part of the project, I took an inventory of the things that caused me the greatest distress. The first order of business was to eliminate alcohol or any mood altering drug from the solution list. I added mindless distractions. I did not watch 5 hours of TV that year.

I then compiled a list of things that I focused on each day. I meditated on them. At the top of that list was, "I will not take anything that is said or done in my presence, personally." At the bottom of that list was, "I will listen to everything that is said to me before thinking or talking."
(If anyone would care to know the full list, I still have it.)

This was my new blueprint for living. From the very start, miracles began happening in my life. I cannot begin to tell you the value of meditating and how my life dramatically changed. It was the best 5-10 minutes that I have ever spent. Soon, I was able to memorize that list and meditate on those things in the shower. After a year or so, and perhaps it is my nature, I became complacent. I quit meditating. I quickly forgot that fundamental part of my daily ritual.

We think nothing of showering or shaving each morning. Of drinking coffee. Perhaps even jogging or exercising as part of an exercise regimen. This is part of our daily preparation. Why then would we skip the most important preparation of all? A daily plan for how we were going to perceive and conduct ourselves all day long. A plan that focuses on our flaws and enhances the lives of the people we come in contact with- our family, friends, and co-workers.

I made a number of observations this past week. Reminders of what it used to be like. I don't want to return there. I have no intention of letting a zombie hostage taker in the back door.

That I had forgotten the most important step of my sanity is evidence that I am complacent, lazy, and terminally human. I am grateful that I have the experience to know what works. I am fully aware of the damage that thinking about myself causes, just as that old poet Edith Sitwell pointed out. That's bad news for any would be hostage taker. Good news for the people in my life.