When Familiarity Breeds Contempt

I have a very good friend who is extremely intuitive and emotionally aware. I like to talk to him about his perceptions on life because he is very aware of the insanity of human beings.

I ran a couple of scenarios by him that had just occurred to me. In both of these scenarios, I was simply trying to live my life and be a good human being. In both these scenarios, the people that I love the most launched counter attacks. Neither of those counter attacks had their desired effect.

In one, I simply withdrew. In the other, I told my would be attacker, that it was ok-rather than fall on a sword and act like a victim and launch a new "counter counter" attack.

And so I found myself asking my intuitive friend, just why it is that the people who profess to love us the most-treat us the worst sometimes.

And once again, I heard those familiar words from my intuitive friend. It had nothing to do with you. It never does.

The people most familiar with us, take far greater emotional liberty with us. Often they transfer their emotional state onto us over the most simple and benign things. If in fact you point out that out to them, they will will entrench themselves in a defensive posture, pleading their case and further entrenching themselves in that faulty "victim" logic. People take everything personally you see, they want and thus they believe-that somehow you have victimized them. They want you to understand that. To believe as they do.

Thus you have a situation wherein one party has assumed a victim role. You are thus feeling like a victim as they launch their "how could you do that to me?" victim attack on you. For you to respond to that in some emotional continuum is insane.

Evaluate the situation honestly. If you are in fact partially to blame, make it as right as you can without diminishing others. Bestow the love you would like to receive even as they diminish you.

That is very hard to do. Sometimes the best we can do is withdraw and not cause any further damage or refuse to participate. Sometimes, we can love those even as they are transferring all of their negative emotions toward us.

Unconditional love is a commitment to love. It requires the dissolving of old victim belief systems and an understanding that people are just trying to live their lives. It is never personal, even when it is delivered by those who are most familiar with us.

Cleaning Up Your Side of the Street

For most of my adult life as a public servant, I helped people sort out their personal lives. Solve problems as "Sully" used to say on "Third Watch." Problems like domestic violence, child abuse, runaway kids.

It's hard to do that sort of thing without witnessing a couple of common denominators over and over again in thousands of dysfunctional relationships. Here then are my observations.

The vast majority of people I know are simply unconscious. They adhere to a belief system and an ego that believes it is right and rarely do they re-think their positions, if ever. Thus they are willing to engage in judgmental and one up behavior as they try to impose those beliefs on others. I was one of those minions.

Family dysfunction can only be lessened when one of the parties in a dysfunctional relationship terminate their role. This usually occurred after some major catalyst. Outside intervention by counseling, family, or the police/legal system rarely did the trick by itself.

The degree or severity of the problem was usually always proportionate to the degree of dysfunction existing among the parties (usually adult) involved. Children of dysfunctional adults tend to cope in several ways ranging from- withdrawing (perhaps completely) and becoming submissive or lacking self esteem; to anger, rebelling, or running away; to getting involved in premature relationships (looking for replacement love) and/or failing to complete school. Many choose the one catch all solution-alcohol or drug abuse.

The children of dysfunctional adults are hostages. They are powerless to intervene and they don't know the solution. They cope somehow.

The beautiful part of policing is that you see these manifestations in all of their emotional glory or aftermath. You are not a licensed counselor espousing theory with two calm and rational adults in some controlled office environment with a few textbooks and a degree hanging on the wall.

I was one of the lucky ones. I figured all of this out. My working with dysfunctional people helped me figure out my own dysfunction. I know where it comes from and why. The problem, just like my problem on the street, was that you cannot get the unconscious participants to self examine. You have no control over your exterior world. And if by some miracle, you sort it out, all that you can do is take responsibility for your role in all of those relationships. Make amends or as some of us call it, "clean up your side of the street."

I've been putting the finishing touches on that this past month. My journey and my healing process are just about over. I am going through my most difficult relationships, and one by one, I am taking responsibility for my role in those and "putting them to sleep."

This is the most operative thing I can say here. Under no circumstances, can you attach culpability for those dysfunctional acts committed by those you are making amends with. You will run into a wall of unconscious denial. This is a lonely path. Your purpose is not to re-ignite the same old dysfunctional behavior. To do so, would be complete failure. Your purpose is to recognize that part of your behavior that was wrong, make no excuses for it or point out someone elses's role, and accept responsibility for it.

This is an undeniable part of attaining real emotional healing. It is not easy. Some of the people we hurt or damaged will not be responding with open arms. And that's ok. In fact, that is a part of the reason we had dysfunctional relationships with them to begin with.

Cleaning up your side of the street is completely selfish. It has nothing to do with healing those we damaged as much as it has everything to do with healing ourselves.

The epilogue on all of this is that we must be realistic. People can harbor and ultimately die clinging to all of those faulty beliefs. They may not have an ounce of forgiveness in them and that too, is ok. Sometimes the best we can do is try not to engage in any more dysfunctional behavior. Often I find myself simply withdrawing from a relationship when I have tried communication and it has failed. That has occurred several times. You simply can't expect conscious behavior, open communication, or instant credibility in a relationship that you have helped damage. Credibility in those situations is often beyond repair and irretrievable.

Manage your expectations and do the deal. Clean up your side of the street.

"Oh... So Very Rare"

I have heard two different versions of the story I'm about to tell. It is not original and if I could give credit where credit is due I certainly would. It is a wonderful story and it fully captures the essence of what real emotional freedom and happiness are all about. I hope I tell it in a way that does the story justice.

In fact, I thought of this story when I heard the wife of a famous hotelier and casino owner being interviewed on a television program once. She said that her husband believed in a "rich kind of freedom as opposed to a poor kind of freedom."

Unfortunately, emotional freedom, does not come in those labeled varieties. It is doubtful she would understand this. At any rate, our story...

Many years ago there was a man named Tom who stumbled onto a quaint Mexican village situated on the gulf of Mexico. He loved the village and it's friendly people. He loved the sun and he loved to fish. At night he would eat and laugh with friends, sing and dance until the wee hours of the morning. Life here was simple. It was fun. He could fish during the day and sell his catch at the market and make enough money to enjoy his life. And so this was what he chose to do.

A year or so after he settled into the village, a friend from the United States came to visit. He was a businessman. He loved to fish as well. Tom invited his old friend to accompany him fishing.

They rowed out to a secret spot about a mile off shore. There in Tom's secret spot, in only an hour or two, they caught three giant yellow fin tuna. They returned to the little village's marina and sold the catch for enough money to live and enjoy Tom's adopted lifestyle comfortably for a week. The man's friend was overwhelmed at how little time they had spent fishing and just how far the money would go.

Tom's friend had an idea. He said, "Tom, I've got an idea. Why don't you get a bigger boat, one that will hold more fish? That way you could catch more fish and make more money."

Tom replied, "Yes and then what?"

"Well, the boat would have a motor, you could get to your spot faster, catch more fish and make more money."

Tom replied, "Yes and then what?"

"Then you could buy more boats, hire employees and catch more fish, and make even more money!"

Tom replied, Wow! And then what?" His friend said,

"Then you could buy the cannery and the market, avoid the middleman, and sell all of your own fish and make even more money!"

And Tom said, "Great and then what?"

"Well, then as you got older you could retire and live happily ever after!"

And Tom said, "That sounds fantastic-what would I do once I was retired?"

His friend pondered what Tom might do then. "Well he said, after you retire, you could sing and dance and be happy with all of your friends."

Tom thought for a moment and replied, "I do not have the responsibility or the worry that comes with all of those things. My life is simple and carefree. I sing and dance and love my friends. That gives me great happiness and I enjoy my life just as it is now. Why should I work so hard to enjoy that which I have found, to try an attain a retirement goal that I have achieved already? That does not make much sense to me."

This is an excellent story that illustrates the gratitude of an emotionally free human being that has found happiness and is living his life exactly as he wants. Tom's friend is emblematic of the greed and wanting that is so much a part of our culture. Our culture covets those that forever want and seemingly acquire happiness and we are rarely satisfied even when we have plenty. Rarely do we express any gratitude as we go about our forever wanting lives. Think about that next time you are at a cocktail party or anywhere else (including work) for that matter. Listen for gratitude, I think you will find it, "oh... so very rare."

Awareness Spawns Love

Life long and/or long term and entrenched belief systems-are the most emotionally difficult belief systems to manage or make sense of. They are also the most difficult to change.

Predictably, those that we know the best, often behave in the most predictable ways. They do this because they cling to a belief system that they have accepted as true. They simply cannot see things any other way. In that sense, they are unconscious.

Belief systems are the product of an egoic need to justify ones behavior. The ego, self centered and fear driven, clings to these beliefs. In fact, fear and the self seeking symptoms that manifest themselves as resistance or control work well in many situations. You fear water damage to your house therefore you repair the roof. You fear your wife and kids stranded on a desolate highway so you buy a new family car. These fears whether real or imagined can be controlled to some extent and other than financial considerations, they may be manageable or acceptable. Their impact on others is minimal.

Where belief systems fail is in relationships. You simply cannot control how others think. And as simple as that sounds, we try and fail. So why do we try? We fear something in ourselves and so it is, we try to change or control beliefs and behaviors in someone else.

In fact, changing the way we see the world was the whole point of this blog. But I don't write here because I fear. I have already accepted that without universal consciousness and love, there can only be unconsciousness, ego, and hate. It is either/or-but it can't be both.

One only has to look at our entire history from the time of Cain and Able to the last murder or the last dead soldier. Our lack of emotional evolution is prima facia and without changing belief systems, we will continue repeating the same behavior and getting the same results. Makes sense doesn't it?

Do you like the results you are getting?

The best you can hope to accomplish is awareness in others. Even at that, raising awareness in others can be an impossible task. Even those that we love. Those bodies are already occupied by the belief systems and egoic needs of someone else. Even those with your DNA. But when you attempt to raise awareness, and fail, you must quit trying. Make that your new understanding.

Emotional freedom is only available for the willing. Those that want to improve relationships for themselves. Those willing to employ rigorous honesty and awareness for a level of love and understanding that they never knew existed.

Your capacity to love unconditionally can only be measured by your willingness to accept all people for who they are. Even those who would diminish you.

Today, we've crested a whole new level of consciousness and awareness. We have to accept the fact that the emotionally fearful will take hostages. They will continue to take emotional hostages as they try to control their exterior world and those around them. Forcing their will on others. Refusal and resistance to acceptance can only lead to negative emotional disturbances.

Willingness spawns awareness. Without awareness there is only fear. Awareness that others are free to live their lives as they see fit even as they try to impose their will on us is disengaging. We let it be and we accept it. Love is truly letting go of fear.

Zombie Nation

True consciousness did not occur until I was halfway through my 46th year. That's a fact. Tolle's book, "A New Earth" described that unconsciousness perfectly. I was completely hostage to a self centered- false sense of who I thought I was or how I wanted the world to see me.

I'd normally be ashamed to tell you that it took me 46 years-if in fact I did not know hundreds- perhaps thousands of people who are absolutely clueless. But I do know two that are not. Two out of a thousand. That will give you an idea of the size and scope of the problem.

The worst part of becoming conscious is seeing all of the unconsciousness that surrounds you. That's the bad part. You can't do a damn thing about unconsciousness for anyone else. Real emotional freedom, consciousness, is only available to those individuals who seek it and get it.

Imagine trying to tell a pig that if he had wings he could fly. The pig might look at you and think, "what an idiot, pigs don't have wings." And in fact, as he looks around the pig sty, he doesn't see one pig with wings nor has he ever. The pig is so entrenched in his belief that he dismisses you as completely insane. But in fact, this time the pig is correct. His belief is true. Pigs don't have wings.

But what if you told a human being that he was unconscious? That he had lived his entire life a complete slave to his false sense of self. An ego that had to be better, faster, smarter than everyone else. An ego that fears and hides those fears. An ego that blames everything but itself. Do you know someone like that? Of course you do. An ego that justifies and rationalizes every thing it says and does? An ego that is never wrong. We are surrounded by egos like that. It is an epidemic.

Just like the pig, this unconscious soul thinks you are insane. He rejects your claim that he is insane because as he looks around the room, he sees a bunch of people that act just as fear driven, self serving, rationalizing, and justifiable as he does. They are talking, walking about. They appear to be conscious. I am doing the same thing as everyone else. And so he simply doesn't understand. He thinks you are crazy. He dismisses you. But he in fact-is incorrect. Just as wings on a pig are ridiculous-dismissing an ego that you cannot see or that is intangible is also ridiculous. Unlike wings, egos do exist. And in fact, I have not seen a soul yet that doesn't possess one.

So let me make two bold and two very true statements. Pigs do not have wings. That's a fact. Bold statement number two. The vast majority of people I know are unconscious and do not even know what that means. Why would they? Like pigs without wings, they are incapable of comprehending their own unconsciousness because their ego says it doesn't exist. It does that to preserve itself. Your false sense of self or ego desperately wants to survive. It will do anything it can to preserve itself and so it does. It tricks you and it survives. It is very, very, real. And that ego of yours is the biggest barrier to engaging in meaningful and loving relationships.

As a police officer, I used to see the frustrated parents of uncontrollable teenagers. The teenagers were uncontrolled because they had been taught to be that way. When I saw uncontrollable teenagers, I always knew I was viewing parents that lacked the same skills. This ain't rocket science. If a kid is acting out, he learned that somewhere. My prime suspects were always the same-those parents dragging Johnny into the police station.

Child abusers raise child abusers. Drug dealers and alcoholics raise drug dealers and alcoholics. Controlling and angry parents raise out of control and angry kids. Materialistic parents raise children who measure themselves in terms of net worth or simply quit trying if they fail to measure up to some ridiculous ideal. This is not always true-but the percentage is so high-well you get the point. And yet, those parents would come into the police station all mystified. Mystified because that false sense of self and ego just couldn't lay the blame where it belonged-but instead blamed everything else. It's Johnny's friends that mislead him, its those mean teachers, or maybe its the cops. Our kids don't have anything to do. Blame anything, anybody, but us. But sadly...

It was none of those things-Mom and Pop. It was you. It was always you. Complete and utter unconsciousness and whatever skills you had or didn't have that raised those kids.

This cycle of unconsciousness is virtually unstoppable. It is self perpetuating and undoubtedly handed down. Some folks simply accept faulty beliefs and opinions as true. Others have a complete and opposite reaction and thus go to extreme measures in order to ensure that their children do not suffer the same emotional trauma.

But make no mistake about it-it is all learned behavior. Much of it unconscious beliefs.

If we are ever to evolve out of this cycle of masked egos and fear we must recognize the insanity of the human mind. A bunch of crazy beliefs and opinions that cause conflict and death over nothing. Imposing our fears and idiotic beliefs on the people around us like those opinions that we hold were divinely given and anyone that disagrees-well they must be the enemy.

That's how I see Zombie Nation. So what about those two guys out of a thousand? One was taught spiritual beliefs and one guy wasn't. Both are completely aware of their egos. They do not engage in "one ups man ship" nor do they ever launch attacks or counterattacks. They are very humble. They do hold beliefs but they do not impose those opinions on others. They do not try to control anyone other than themselves. They take nothing personally-choosing instead to let people be who they are, both good and bad. They never blame anyone but themselves for inadequacies. They never choose to see themselves as victims and thus never feel self pity. They are completely in control of their egos. They also happen to be the two most upbeat and happy people that I know. And so are their kids.

Imagine that.

Free Speech Should Be Free From Attack

Free speech may be one of the greatest gifts that this country offers. In fact, it is sacred and our very survival depends on it. Without free speech, quite frankly, our way of life will die.

Protecting free speech is a serious responsibility. I feel so strongly about this that I'd be willing to put my own life on the line to protect our right to free speech. With no reservations.

None. That includes pornography, witchcraft, racism, political opinions, bomb making, insurrection. Virtually everything "judged" bad or tainted. Why?

Because I take nothing personally. And every one of those bad things gives us an opportunity to examine the subject based on facts and merit. To seek the truth. To examine, collect facts, offer advice, discuss and teach our family members that it is ok to talk about racism or any other topic that may come up. Emotionally free people are not cowards. We are not tied in some closet somewhere, engulfed in fear, afraid to express our beliefs and ultimately the truth because we don't want to talk about pornography, racism, or some other difficult topic. This in fact was the whole intent of free speech. To form a collective belief system by exchanging facts, insight, and opinions. That is how it works. If people would just let it work. Protect the process above all else.

Free speech cannot work in an oppressive environment. It cannot work when an opinion or belief is offered and the speaker is attacked. Or the subject is attacked. The net effect of this peer review and attack is censorship. Free speech erosion. If you attack people, diminish them, they are simply going to be afraid to say anything. Would you want to work and live in that kind of environment? Surrounded by fear driven and mute fellow co-workers and hostages? Many people do.

Let me give you a perfect example. A month or so ago, I was on a nationally recognized, politically conservative blog page and the topic of Guantanomo Bay and what to do with detainees was being discussed by anonymous commenters. Guantanomo Bay represents some of the most severe nationalism I have ever witnessed. Nationalism is the unwavering belief that everything your country does is correct and justified. It is a collective belief and opinion that as you know by now, is inherently flawed-an opinion, possibly correct or incorrect. Nationalism has nothing to do with patriotism.

So in a wave of emotion that descended on us after the 9/11 attacks, we essentially kidnapped suspected terrorists, interrogated them, imprisoned them, denied them due process. Only three of hundreds were ever brought to trial in the seven years Guantanomo has existed. We denied those people every right that we as citizens take for granted. I could care less if every one of them is guilty or not. Or whether torture was warranted.

What I am concerned with, first and foremost, was the lawfulness of our actions. Just who gave us the right to violate every conceivable human right and the laws and protections of our country? We talk a great collective agenda of human rights, don't we? We tell Russia and China how to behave, don't we? But we don't really do a very good job of examining ourselves, do we? Perhaps we think our actions are justified but China's are not. That is the insanity of the planet. And as I commented to that effect, other commenters labeled me and attacked me personally. Thus I witnessed the fear and egos of collective insanity. They completely missed the point. The point was simple. Before you point the finger at everyone else, you probably ought to apply a little rigorous honesty and examination to ourselves and our country first. We aren't very good at that. It has nothing to do with politics. But you see, they think it does. Another flawed and collective belief system.

It is overwhelming. Many of us have lost the art of communicating civilly and we are reduced to launching attacks. It is a sickness. We are losing our right to free speech by censoring someone who doesn't agree with our inherently flawed and opinionated egos.

I can't change the way the world is evolving. All I can do is apply the same rigorous honesty to myself. Try to safeguard free speech. I am not required to get angry. I accept that the world is riddled with self seeking and ego driven people bent on diminishing others. It is an unconscious state that held me hostage for 46 years.

All we can do is be responsible for what we say. Set an example. Try to be civil and not damage others. If they in turn, try to damage us, we must accept that they are simply reflecting who they are. As more and more of the good folks drop out of public conversation, the implications are clear. The only ones that will have a voice are the ones who shout down everyone else. That does not bode well for the future.

I had a friend that said once, "Never argue with the unconscious or idiots. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience."

Amen, brother.

Real Life

I have a friend who's significant other has cancer. For the fourth time.

I need to digress a little here and offer an opinion and a belief that I have acquired over the years. One day, someone else, is going to be you. You are going to be someone else for the rest of us one day. That's how it works. We plan and envision all the good things in life. We ignore the bad things. When the bad things come we are lost in a desert of negative emotions.

Failing to plan, or ignoring the bad things will not make them go away. They will still visit you with or without a plan. Your ability to accept them, fight or no fight, and overcome them quickly will depend on your emotional preparation.

I cannot tell you how demoralizing it must be to fight cancer with radiation and surgery three times and survive it. Then get diagnosed with it a fourth time. This time around, she has selected a different kind of approach to combat it. Since the first three battles were won, her significant other believes she should stay with the method that has worked.

He is distraught and a little angry. To stay vigilant and emotionally free takes hard work and effort. This is real life and while its not always pretty, it is somewhat predictable. If we can predict emotionally difficult times-then we can plan and prepare for them. We can risk manage them as they occur. This situation is no different. It's a very serious situation with possible adverse outcomes and death.

We cannot control the exterior world. What others do is up to them. When we cannot get others to do what we want we are experiencing a lack of control. Loss of power and control is fear based. We fear the outcome if people do not behave in a way that we see fit. Loss of control thus manifests itself in many fear based emotions such as the very emotional fear my friend is experiencing. He may fear a lot of things, but he fears loss. And because he fears the loss of a loved one, and he is unable to control the course of action, he is frustrated.

He has a belief system. That's it. He believes what has worked three times must work four times. That is simply not always true. It may or may not be true in any given instance. We just don't know. We never do until its time for the last analysis.

Control is an illusion. We are never really in control of anything other than ourselves. Sure, there are times when you may feel some sense of power and control over your children, or your spouse, or your employees, or your work product. A sense of order and productivity. Teamwork. But the real devastating news, life altering and life changing, is often beyond our control. At those times, we feel guilt, sadness, inadequacy, remorse. We feel emotional pain. If only we could have done something different. If only we had control, the result would be different. It is illusory, brought on by all the little things we have control over.

What others do, has nothing to do with us. Often the best we can do is offer love and support. We accept life on life's terms. We accept the decisions of our loved ones. It does not require our agreement. But it does require understanding that it's ok for others to make good decisions and thus to make bad ones. And for us to get out of the way. We can offer some suggestions or advice along the way but we don't get personally hinged to someone elses decision, despite their standing oin our lives. There is no right or wrong way, smart or stupid way. Different ways perhaps. We make choices. It is not personal. It virtually never is.

I hope that my friend understands this. I hope that his gal wins another battle.