All of us suffer setbacks. It takes a lifetime of unconscious behavior to shape and acquire your ego, recognizing it and eliminating it takes time and a daily commitment. Despite your best efforts, you may suffer an emotional setback from time to time.
Relationships with family and friends are the breeding ground for negative and hostile emotions. Those who profess to love us the most tend to be the ones that can "push our buttons" and they will test you.
I have to ask you to accept a premise here. I'd like you to pause and reflect on this statement.
"All negative emotion is grounded in fear." Do you agree or disagree with that? When I speak of fear, I am talking about the emotional and irrational fear of your ego. (Some fears are quite healthy and real, they have allowed us to survive.)
The fears that your ego conjures up are virtually all irrational. They are the result of your perceptions as they are checked against your belief system. So about the time someone says to you, "that remark you made was callous and insensitive." You have a couple of choices. Agree and disarm the speaker. Walk away. Or disagree, feel a negative emotion that leaves you irritated or angry, offer an explanation, or launch a counterattack.
Is there a fourth option? Yes of course there is. It takes practice and you prepare for it in advance. It is rehearsed, risk managed.
Anytime your ego perceives a threat, cynicism, labeling, judging, diminishing, or "one up" behavior and you feel a negative emotion, try to recognize it immediately. Once you recognize that negative emotion, you will know immediately that you fear something.
Let's suppose that someone has called you a "dumb ass" in a way that you recognize as serious rather than harmless kidding around or teasing.
Ask yourself, "what do I fear?" Do I fear the impending confrontation if I launch a counterattack? No. Do I fear this person? No. Do I fear that I really am kind of stupid and that this person knows this? Maybe. Perhaps I have bought into a belief system wherein my family and friends used to say similar things. They are no smarter than I but they subjected me to this type of verbal abuse. You have made an agreement with yourself. You have acquired a belief. You have told yourself that even if I am stupid, I am never going to let some one degrade me this way again. Your ego and belief system have you painted into a corner. Chances are good that under this set of circumstances that things are about to escalate.
Many of us call that striking a chord or a nerve. We cannot control our exterior world and some of the things that are told to us but we can control our reaction to those nasty slices of life when they happen.
Let's suppose you have a belief system, an ego, that has prepared differently. You simply have rejected the notion that you are less than or greater than anyone else in terms of intelligence. You have decided to risk manage your emotions. You have made an agreement to accept this as true. You have also made an agreement with yourself not to take anything personally. You accept that what others say is just an opinion, a reflection of their belief system. It has nothing to do with you even when it is directed at you. Your response under this belief system is entirely different. You are puzzled. No emotion comes to the surface. You think through it. You do not react. You suddenly realize the comment has nothing to do with you. It is merely a reflection of someone who is entitled to their beliefs true or not. You do not feel diminished. You do not respond in a way that escalates the situation.
You are in control. And in a very real way, you win. You will not feel ashamed or guilty for not engaging in a verbal assault contest. You will leave your hostile judgment maker in a much better frame of mind than he/she will be in and you will not have to utter an apology later on. Your recovery time is virtually non existent wherein your adversary may dwell on it for hours and days.
That is the power of self examination and emotional preparation. You are not a hostage to negative emotions. And even if you acquire some mastery over this skill, you can always expect setbacks. They will pop up. When things go to hell, apologize, examine where you went wrong and make the adjustments. Seek first to understand then be understood. Over time you will find yourself in much happier space. You will suddenly realize that being happy is far more important than being right-and unfortunately those two things are often mutually exclusive.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
D. Hey! Where's That New Operating System?
If you have arrived here, dazed and utterly confused, you are in perfect shape. You are practicing the "Four Agreements", you have identified that false sense of self- your ego-and you are aware of it and it's negative impacts. You are trying to become a better person.
Welcome. As long as you draw breath-you can improve yourself and your relationships. There is no finish line. Let's see if we can figure out who we want to be.
Let's start with just seven things. The seven deadly sins. We don't particularly care for the religious attachment but it's awfully hard to deny their existence. We witness them everyday. They are lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy, pride. Of the seven, perhaps the most damaging and all pervasive is pride. Let's take a look at pride.
Pride could be described as self centered-ness, self absorption, and self love. Narcissism. It is perhaps, the greatest symptom of the ego. Self will. Pride is one of those confusing terms. It actually has a dual meaning-the other of which is steeped in virtue. Such as, "he takes great pride in his work and appearance." For the sake of emotional freedom we are going to focus on pride as self centered-ness and self will.
Pride, or love of the self, prevents us from engaging in and loving anyone else. We are preoccupied with taking care of our own needs. We are self indulgent to the extent that we rarely listen or care about others. We almost always take care of our needs to the exclusion of all else. Since proud people believe that they always come first, they may never view anything wrong with their behavior. In fact, many of them actually confuse intelligence with self will. Anything is intelligent as long as there is something in it for them. If they can achieve some benefit then they see nothing wrong with it. Conversely, they view others who do not possess the same levels of pride as weak or unintelligent. They lack respect and show disdain. In many cases, they simply can't utter an apology or admit fault. Very often, when the prideful crash and burn, there are very few people willing to help them.
The opposite of pride is humility. Have you ever heard anyone ever say, "Gosh that guy is so humble that he makes me sick?" Probably not. Humility is an increasingly scarce commodity. For some, we wonder if they have ever heard of the word.
So seeking to be humble attracts love in others but pride has the opposite effect. It's not hard to see which has value to us and which does not. A big part of your new operating system should probably include a big dose of humility unless you already have that covered.
We systematically look at those seven deadly sins. We focus on the ones that plague us and we seek to remove them through a conscientious plan that we are developing. We add those to our "Four Agreements" plan and maintain a vigilant watch over our egos. Our daily meditation and plan for the day enlarges in scope-reminding ourselves each day to recognize, adhere to, and refuse to indulge in those seven deadly sins.
Welcome. As long as you draw breath-you can improve yourself and your relationships. There is no finish line. Let's see if we can figure out who we want to be.
Let's start with just seven things. The seven deadly sins. We don't particularly care for the religious attachment but it's awfully hard to deny their existence. We witness them everyday. They are lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy, pride. Of the seven, perhaps the most damaging and all pervasive is pride. Let's take a look at pride.
Pride could be described as self centered-ness, self absorption, and self love. Narcissism. It is perhaps, the greatest symptom of the ego. Self will. Pride is one of those confusing terms. It actually has a dual meaning-the other of which is steeped in virtue. Such as, "he takes great pride in his work and appearance." For the sake of emotional freedom we are going to focus on pride as self centered-ness and self will.
Pride, or love of the self, prevents us from engaging in and loving anyone else. We are preoccupied with taking care of our own needs. We are self indulgent to the extent that we rarely listen or care about others. We almost always take care of our needs to the exclusion of all else. Since proud people believe that they always come first, they may never view anything wrong with their behavior. In fact, many of them actually confuse intelligence with self will. Anything is intelligent as long as there is something in it for them. If they can achieve some benefit then they see nothing wrong with it. Conversely, they view others who do not possess the same levels of pride as weak or unintelligent. They lack respect and show disdain. In many cases, they simply can't utter an apology or admit fault. Very often, when the prideful crash and burn, there are very few people willing to help them.
The opposite of pride is humility. Have you ever heard anyone ever say, "Gosh that guy is so humble that he makes me sick?" Probably not. Humility is an increasingly scarce commodity. For some, we wonder if they have ever heard of the word.
So seeking to be humble attracts love in others but pride has the opposite effect. It's not hard to see which has value to us and which does not. A big part of your new operating system should probably include a big dose of humility unless you already have that covered.
We systematically look at those seven deadly sins. We focus on the ones that plague us and we seek to remove them through a conscientious plan that we are developing. We add those to our "Four Agreements" plan and maintain a vigilant watch over our egos. Our daily meditation and plan for the day enlarges in scope-reminding ourselves each day to recognize, adhere to, and refuse to indulge in those seven deadly sins.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
C. Lose Your Ego
If there is one common denominator, one giant and all encompassing barrier to emotional freedom, it is your false sense of self. Your ego.
It is very real and it exists. To the unconscious, they simply can't accept this. The idea is too abstract. They simply cannot understand what you are talking about. The ego becomes such a necessary component of their psychological make-up, that they simply aren't even aware of it's existence. They may look at you and think you are bona fide nuts.
Yet the evidence is overwhelming. Fear driven and controlling egos are everywhere. Whether it's a lunatic N. Korean dictator firing test missiles, a controlling boss who has to have everything done his or her way, or a couple engaged in a mission of conflict and one ups man ship, ego in an individual or collective form is utter insanity. It is everywhere.
A year ago, I found myself talking to one of these unconscious folks. In addition to a fear and control driven false sense of self, this individual had consumed about a full bottle of wine. I found myself in a social setting where good etiquette was the rule. I was listening to the conversation intently when Tolle's book, "A New Earth" became the topic of discussion. This individual had not read the book and was applying his version of "contempt prior to investigation" and calling it a bunch of hogwash and rhetoric. I was asked what I thought primarily because the people at this particular gathering were aware of my fondness for Tolle and the work I was doing. I only made a half hearted defense. The reality was that Tolle's concepts are so completely true that my belief is that they are prima facia evidence. But to say that would diminish my friend. I did not find any reason to defend Tolle's work because it requires no defense nor did my ego find it necessary to impose my beliefs on an intoxicated friend at his expense.
Therein lies the ultimate dilemma. If people are unwilling to learn-you cannot control that. You cannot teach willingness even if it's for someone you love. This man would be a poster child for an ego run riot of self will and self centered behavior.
I accept that willingness is all that separates my buzzed host from me. I was willing to examine the concept of ego, weigh it on it's merits, and jettison the material if I found it not useful. My host that night was a mechanical engineer and successful businessman, very bright, but just not ready to take this step yet. That doesn't mean he is not intelligent, articulate, or any other label or description. He is simply unwilling to take the leap of faith that is required because he sees no reason to. His ego is in control and it is unwilling to learn, accept, or comprehend what Tolle teaches.
So how do you lose your ego? It is relatively simple, actually.
You recognize it's existence. That's 75% of the battle. You remain vigilant and on guard. You don't indulge in any of that false sense of self nonsense anymore. You don't have to be the smartest, the fastest, the richest, or the prettiest. You resist every urge to impose that on others. As time rolls by, it requires less and less vigilance. You recognize that insanity. You begin to say only supportive and kind things to others. All you require of yourself-is to be happy. Indulging in that false sense of beliefs, opinions, you have about yourself will not make you happy. In fact, it will bring you conflict and pain. Guaranteed.
If you find yourself in a place of utter confusion or having an identity crisis, you have done good work. Think of that as removing your old computer's operating system. We have a blank screen. It is time to install the new operating system.
It is very real and it exists. To the unconscious, they simply can't accept this. The idea is too abstract. They simply cannot understand what you are talking about. The ego becomes such a necessary component of their psychological make-up, that they simply aren't even aware of it's existence. They may look at you and think you are bona fide nuts.
Yet the evidence is overwhelming. Fear driven and controlling egos are everywhere. Whether it's a lunatic N. Korean dictator firing test missiles, a controlling boss who has to have everything done his or her way, or a couple engaged in a mission of conflict and one ups man ship, ego in an individual or collective form is utter insanity. It is everywhere.
A year ago, I found myself talking to one of these unconscious folks. In addition to a fear and control driven false sense of self, this individual had consumed about a full bottle of wine. I found myself in a social setting where good etiquette was the rule. I was listening to the conversation intently when Tolle's book, "A New Earth" became the topic of discussion. This individual had not read the book and was applying his version of "contempt prior to investigation" and calling it a bunch of hogwash and rhetoric. I was asked what I thought primarily because the people at this particular gathering were aware of my fondness for Tolle and the work I was doing. I only made a half hearted defense. The reality was that Tolle's concepts are so completely true that my belief is that they are prima facia evidence. But to say that would diminish my friend. I did not find any reason to defend Tolle's work because it requires no defense nor did my ego find it necessary to impose my beliefs on an intoxicated friend at his expense.
Therein lies the ultimate dilemma. If people are unwilling to learn-you cannot control that. You cannot teach willingness even if it's for someone you love. This man would be a poster child for an ego run riot of self will and self centered behavior.
I accept that willingness is all that separates my buzzed host from me. I was willing to examine the concept of ego, weigh it on it's merits, and jettison the material if I found it not useful. My host that night was a mechanical engineer and successful businessman, very bright, but just not ready to take this step yet. That doesn't mean he is not intelligent, articulate, or any other label or description. He is simply unwilling to take the leap of faith that is required because he sees no reason to. His ego is in control and it is unwilling to learn, accept, or comprehend what Tolle teaches.
So how do you lose your ego? It is relatively simple, actually.
You recognize it's existence. That's 75% of the battle. You remain vigilant and on guard. You don't indulge in any of that false sense of self nonsense anymore. You don't have to be the smartest, the fastest, the richest, or the prettiest. You resist every urge to impose that on others. As time rolls by, it requires less and less vigilance. You recognize that insanity. You begin to say only supportive and kind things to others. All you require of yourself-is to be happy. Indulging in that false sense of beliefs, opinions, you have about yourself will not make you happy. In fact, it will bring you conflict and pain. Guaranteed.
If you find yourself in a place of utter confusion or having an identity crisis, you have done good work. Think of that as removing your old computer's operating system. We have a blank screen. It is time to install the new operating system.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
B. Come Up With a Plan
We have made a commitment. We want to improve our lives and by default, the lives of the people around us.
We have recognized all of those faulty beliefs, we have begun to wrestle control of our egos by recognizing and admitting that our false sense of self had control of us. How then do we put this all together?
We adopt a plan. A daily plan. It will only take a few minutes each day. We will learn by repetitively installing our new belief system and going over it until it becomes second nature to us.
What I'm about to suggest worked well for me. I am also going to talk about an incident that happened to me well after I had adopted my plan. It was a failure on my part to stick to the plan and it serves as a constant reminder of just how tenuous this process is and just how easy it is to let our egos back in and wrestle control of us.
My daily plan was relatively simple. Each morning for months, I meditated for five to ten minutes. Completely wiping any thoughts out of my mind. Emotional silence.
I then used a subsequent five or ten minutes to go over my daily plan. That daily plan included adherence to the four agreements. I also added an additional ten things or so. Some of those things included refusing to control situations, refusing to engage in one up and diminishing conversations, refusing to get angry, seeking to understand, listening instead of formulating thoughts and talking so much, refusing to make judgments, (very key-for me) and I refused to attach any out come or expectations to anything. In other words, if I applied for a job and never heard from a prospective employer, I was ok with that. It was beyond my control and I was satisfied that I had done my part. What happened after the application process was beyond my control.
And ALWAYS, I sought to apply unconditional love to those human beings I just don't understand.
My plan was fluid and I changed, updated, or deleted things as needed. The plan, my plan, only applied to me. It was unique to me. Just as yours should be for you.
About a week after implementing my plan, I had a complete system failure. It happened at a Walmart store on Tchoupitoulas St. in New Orleans. I offer it to you only as an example that no plan is perfect and it's ok to have a complete and utter emotional fiasco. We learn from it.
This particular Walmart is very busy. After 3 PM, the store is awash in shoppers. About a week after adopting and committing to my plan, I stopped into the store to grab a few things on my way home. All of the lines were at least five customers deep. It was ugly. I found a line. What happened next was even beyond my wildest comprehension. I can't even embellish this.
The first shopper had two carts full of items. When the cashier finished, the shopper had acquired more items than she could pay for. Painstakingly removing the "un neccessary" items one by one, they finally reduced the total to an agreeable amount and left a small mountain of items at the end of the checkstand and piled on the floor. The second shopper did the same thing and added to the growing mountain of unpaid items. The third person in line, had his card rejected and thus he walked over to an ATM and got cash with the very same card and returned. By this time I had been in line 30 minutes. My ego was in control. I was on fire, awash in angry emotions and wondering if everyone in this line was an idiot. I wanted to flee. Just after the third shopper left, the cashier got a cell phone call and took it, yelling I suppose at her significant other and unable to concentrate on what she was doing. The gal ahead of me did precisely what the first two shoppers had done. Bought too many items. I didn't understand that all of these shoppers were using government issued assistance of some sort until the gal ahead of me tried to pay. The cashier, finally off the cellphone, stopped and began asking her what she wanted to remove. By this time I had been in line nearly 45 minutes. I was suffering a complete and total emotional breakdown and had to flee. I did the only thing I could do.
I said, "excuse me, how much does she owe?" The cashier said 48.03 cents. I then asked the shopper if I could pay for it. She said "yes." I whipped out a fifty and settled it. The shopper was very grateful and asked for my phone number. She said she would pay me back. I gave it to her. I did not ask her for her number.
When it was my turn, the cashier said, "you'll never see that money, again." I disagreed and said "if I don't, I'm ok with it." The cashier then said well if she pays you back, I want you to tell me. I said ok.
Nearly one hour after this fiasco started, I was freed from that Walmart prison. I was completely and utterly spent. I was totally disappointed at my internal emotions and my inability to accept that people were just living their lives, unconscious for sure, but that I could have left that line at any time.
Two days later, I got a call. It was the shopper. I gave her directions to my house. She gave me the 50 bucks in person. I didn't really expect that. Her kids even hugged me. I stopped by that Walmart a few days later to tell the cashier. (I did not buy anything) She seemed shocked.
After that episode, I added a few things to my daily plan. It has been working well with a few bumps along the way.
Thus, we begin to see that we are really developing a plan to emotionally risk manage ourselves and lessen the effects of dark emotions. We really do have a choice. We always do. When we get better, so does everything around us. Real emotional freedom is just around the corner.
We have recognized all of those faulty beliefs, we have begun to wrestle control of our egos by recognizing and admitting that our false sense of self had control of us. How then do we put this all together?
We adopt a plan. A daily plan. It will only take a few minutes each day. We will learn by repetitively installing our new belief system and going over it until it becomes second nature to us.
What I'm about to suggest worked well for me. I am also going to talk about an incident that happened to me well after I had adopted my plan. It was a failure on my part to stick to the plan and it serves as a constant reminder of just how tenuous this process is and just how easy it is to let our egos back in and wrestle control of us.
My daily plan was relatively simple. Each morning for months, I meditated for five to ten minutes. Completely wiping any thoughts out of my mind. Emotional silence.
I then used a subsequent five or ten minutes to go over my daily plan. That daily plan included adherence to the four agreements. I also added an additional ten things or so. Some of those things included refusing to control situations, refusing to engage in one up and diminishing conversations, refusing to get angry, seeking to understand, listening instead of formulating thoughts and talking so much, refusing to make judgments, (very key-for me) and I refused to attach any out come or expectations to anything. In other words, if I applied for a job and never heard from a prospective employer, I was ok with that. It was beyond my control and I was satisfied that I had done my part. What happened after the application process was beyond my control.
And ALWAYS, I sought to apply unconditional love to those human beings I just don't understand.
My plan was fluid and I changed, updated, or deleted things as needed. The plan, my plan, only applied to me. It was unique to me. Just as yours should be for you.
About a week after implementing my plan, I had a complete system failure. It happened at a Walmart store on Tchoupitoulas St. in New Orleans. I offer it to you only as an example that no plan is perfect and it's ok to have a complete and utter emotional fiasco. We learn from it.
This particular Walmart is very busy. After 3 PM, the store is awash in shoppers. About a week after adopting and committing to my plan, I stopped into the store to grab a few things on my way home. All of the lines were at least five customers deep. It was ugly. I found a line. What happened next was even beyond my wildest comprehension. I can't even embellish this.
The first shopper had two carts full of items. When the cashier finished, the shopper had acquired more items than she could pay for. Painstakingly removing the "un neccessary" items one by one, they finally reduced the total to an agreeable amount and left a small mountain of items at the end of the checkstand and piled on the floor. The second shopper did the same thing and added to the growing mountain of unpaid items. The third person in line, had his card rejected and thus he walked over to an ATM and got cash with the very same card and returned. By this time I had been in line 30 minutes. My ego was in control. I was on fire, awash in angry emotions and wondering if everyone in this line was an idiot. I wanted to flee. Just after the third shopper left, the cashier got a cell phone call and took it, yelling I suppose at her significant other and unable to concentrate on what she was doing. The gal ahead of me did precisely what the first two shoppers had done. Bought too many items. I didn't understand that all of these shoppers were using government issued assistance of some sort until the gal ahead of me tried to pay. The cashier, finally off the cellphone, stopped and began asking her what she wanted to remove. By this time I had been in line nearly 45 minutes. I was suffering a complete and total emotional breakdown and had to flee. I did the only thing I could do.
I said, "excuse me, how much does she owe?" The cashier said 48.03 cents. I then asked the shopper if I could pay for it. She said "yes." I whipped out a fifty and settled it. The shopper was very grateful and asked for my phone number. She said she would pay me back. I gave it to her. I did not ask her for her number.
When it was my turn, the cashier said, "you'll never see that money, again." I disagreed and said "if I don't, I'm ok with it." The cashier then said well if she pays you back, I want you to tell me. I said ok.
Nearly one hour after this fiasco started, I was freed from that Walmart prison. I was completely and utterly spent. I was totally disappointed at my internal emotions and my inability to accept that people were just living their lives, unconscious for sure, but that I could have left that line at any time.
Two days later, I got a call. It was the shopper. I gave her directions to my house. She gave me the 50 bucks in person. I didn't really expect that. Her kids even hugged me. I stopped by that Walmart a few days later to tell the cashier. (I did not buy anything) She seemed shocked.
After that episode, I added a few things to my daily plan. It has been working well with a few bumps along the way.
Thus, we begin to see that we are really developing a plan to emotionally risk manage ourselves and lessen the effects of dark emotions. We really do have a choice. We always do. When we get better, so does everything around us. Real emotional freedom is just around the corner.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Launch A Counter Attack!
You can be as crazy as you want to be. In fact, your ego might feel threatened or diminished as you read this. You might be saying, "who does this clown think he is?" "What credentials does he have?" That ego of mine is no different. It struggles for survival and it will deny it's own existence. It doesn't want me to examine it or uncover it. "Take your rigorous honesty out of here, I am running this show!" The ego is very real and make no mistake, I have yet to meet anyone that doesn't have one.
I love to poke fun at this insanity. My own insanity. Let me set the table for you. I grew up in a mining town. I am completely ego identified with a "labor union, working stiff" type of upbringing. I have acquired faulty beliefs and thus an ego that says the working class is oppressed, rich people are the enemy, and that hard work is all that matters. I absolutely detest dishonesty, pretentious and materialistic people. Labels as it turns out. Faulty beliefs.
I am now completely armed with the knowledge that labeling and judging people is insane. I recognize these faulty beliefs. There is an internal struggle in my mind for control between my new conscious self and my old controlling false ego and belief systems. I will not take anything personally.
Thus in early 2008, I find myself invited to a lavish party in Manhattan. It is a completely pretentious affair, a birthday party. The rich and famous are there. There are dishonest, materialistic, and rich people in attendance who have never worked a day in their lives. Some are very well educated. The party of course involves a jazz band and a free bar stocked with only the best booze.
I am mentally prepared. My attack plan is simple. Come in, keep your mouth shut, smile a lot, and let these people be who they are. None of it is personal. My ego has other ideas. It says, "we hate these types of people." "They are the enemy!" Let's beat them over the heads with our superior intelligence and cut them down to size." That is the insanity with which I took my seat that evening.
Everyone is well dressed and nice. They have been friends a long time. Some are pretty well tuned and working on their third or fourth drink as I arrive. The economy is rolling and it is college football bowl season. The current topic is Ivy League Schools, which college the kids are going to-both here and abroad, and who owns how many homes and where.
My ego says, "see I told you, these people are who we thought they were." I smile a lot. I tell my ego to shut up. I pray these Yale and Brown graduates don't ask me where I went to school. I smile a lot, I am an outsider. The table hostess tries to include me in the conversation. She is just being nice. She asks, "so Brian, do you have any kids?" My ego says, "she is prying, tell her you had two kids and that you killed them in a fit of rage and buried them in a vacant lot next to your house, that'll shut her up." I smiled weakly and replied, "no." Intent on including me in the current conversation she asks who I'm with, where I am from, and where did you go to school? My ego says, "does this woman ever stop?" I humbly answer the questions and try to elaborate a little to be friendly. When she inquires, "Idaho State, where is that?" I tell her it's in in Pocatello, Idaho. She gets this weird look on her face. My ego says, "the woman is absolutely clueless-ask her if she gets outside much!" I say, "well, we're a division two school and our football team is horrible." "Most folks haven't heard of us." There are other listeners. I smile some more. Thankfully, she is in over her head, recognizes this, and smiles back. She relents. My ego says, "I wonder if she had a boob job, ask her that!" I smile some more.
The band starts up. My ego says, "you are a crappy dancer, what are you going to do when someone asks you to dance?" Thankfully, most people are as terrified as I am. No one dances except a few who can actually dance or are so intoxicated by this time, they don't care how they look.
I smile a lot. Then it happens. One of the guys at the table starts talking about some cops who have killed someone. How cops are merciless killers and always get away with it. They shot this guy 46 times. He doesn't know who I am. He turns and shakes his head and asks my opinion. I am well aware of the case. My ego screams, "launch a counterattack!" "Defend your tribe and honor!" A veritable cavalcade of options presents itself to me. Do I say that all people are entitled to innocence until proven guilty? Do I say, all we have is a belief based on media accounts? Do I explain to him that a bunch of very scared police officers fired every round that they had in a phenomenon that has been studied since the OK Corral? Do I defend my tribe? What purpose would that serve? He would feel diminished, less than, perhaps foolish. In the two seconds it takes to process this information, I answer in the most selfless way I know how.
"You may be right, I'm anxious to see what the grand jury says about it."
My ego says, "you complete chicken shit, what has happened to you?" I say, "I am wrestling control from you. I win, you lose."
I am the only one smoking outside that evening. Of course. I am wondering how we all acquire these crazy belief systems. These folks are just trying to live their lives. They are fully aware of the judgments others cast upon them, yet they feel justified in doing the same thing. I call my friend. He is proud of me. We just might make a man out of you yet. Go take a walk, he says, go back and make sure your date enjoys herself. I walked through Soho that night, lost in all of this insanity and I cover a mile of so.
When I get back, my gal is ready to go. She asks me if I enjoyed myself, I told her "yes." My ego says, "liar." You can be as crazy as you want to be ego-but from now on, I'm calling the shots. Get used to it. Score tonight, Brian 2, Ego 0. I may get the hang of this yet.
I love to poke fun at this insanity. My own insanity. Let me set the table for you. I grew up in a mining town. I am completely ego identified with a "labor union, working stiff" type of upbringing. I have acquired faulty beliefs and thus an ego that says the working class is oppressed, rich people are the enemy, and that hard work is all that matters. I absolutely detest dishonesty, pretentious and materialistic people. Labels as it turns out. Faulty beliefs.
I am now completely armed with the knowledge that labeling and judging people is insane. I recognize these faulty beliefs. There is an internal struggle in my mind for control between my new conscious self and my old controlling false ego and belief systems. I will not take anything personally.
Thus in early 2008, I find myself invited to a lavish party in Manhattan. It is a completely pretentious affair, a birthday party. The rich and famous are there. There are dishonest, materialistic, and rich people in attendance who have never worked a day in their lives. Some are very well educated. The party of course involves a jazz band and a free bar stocked with only the best booze.
I am mentally prepared. My attack plan is simple. Come in, keep your mouth shut, smile a lot, and let these people be who they are. None of it is personal. My ego has other ideas. It says, "we hate these types of people." "They are the enemy!" Let's beat them over the heads with our superior intelligence and cut them down to size." That is the insanity with which I took my seat that evening.
Everyone is well dressed and nice. They have been friends a long time. Some are pretty well tuned and working on their third or fourth drink as I arrive. The economy is rolling and it is college football bowl season. The current topic is Ivy League Schools, which college the kids are going to-both here and abroad, and who owns how many homes and where.
My ego says, "see I told you, these people are who we thought they were." I smile a lot. I tell my ego to shut up. I pray these Yale and Brown graduates don't ask me where I went to school. I smile a lot, I am an outsider. The table hostess tries to include me in the conversation. She is just being nice. She asks, "so Brian, do you have any kids?" My ego says, "she is prying, tell her you had two kids and that you killed them in a fit of rage and buried them in a vacant lot next to your house, that'll shut her up." I smiled weakly and replied, "no." Intent on including me in the current conversation she asks who I'm with, where I am from, and where did you go to school? My ego says, "does this woman ever stop?" I humbly answer the questions and try to elaborate a little to be friendly. When she inquires, "Idaho State, where is that?" I tell her it's in in Pocatello, Idaho. She gets this weird look on her face. My ego says, "the woman is absolutely clueless-ask her if she gets outside much!" I say, "well, we're a division two school and our football team is horrible." "Most folks haven't heard of us." There are other listeners. I smile some more. Thankfully, she is in over her head, recognizes this, and smiles back. She relents. My ego says, "I wonder if she had a boob job, ask her that!" I smile some more.
The band starts up. My ego says, "you are a crappy dancer, what are you going to do when someone asks you to dance?" Thankfully, most people are as terrified as I am. No one dances except a few who can actually dance or are so intoxicated by this time, they don't care how they look.
I smile a lot. Then it happens. One of the guys at the table starts talking about some cops who have killed someone. How cops are merciless killers and always get away with it. They shot this guy 46 times. He doesn't know who I am. He turns and shakes his head and asks my opinion. I am well aware of the case. My ego screams, "launch a counterattack!" "Defend your tribe and honor!" A veritable cavalcade of options presents itself to me. Do I say that all people are entitled to innocence until proven guilty? Do I say, all we have is a belief based on media accounts? Do I explain to him that a bunch of very scared police officers fired every round that they had in a phenomenon that has been studied since the OK Corral? Do I defend my tribe? What purpose would that serve? He would feel diminished, less than, perhaps foolish. In the two seconds it takes to process this information, I answer in the most selfless way I know how.
"You may be right, I'm anxious to see what the grand jury says about it."
My ego says, "you complete chicken shit, what has happened to you?" I say, "I am wrestling control from you. I win, you lose."
I am the only one smoking outside that evening. Of course. I am wondering how we all acquire these crazy belief systems. These folks are just trying to live their lives. They are fully aware of the judgments others cast upon them, yet they feel justified in doing the same thing. I call my friend. He is proud of me. We just might make a man out of you yet. Go take a walk, he says, go back and make sure your date enjoys herself. I walked through Soho that night, lost in all of this insanity and I cover a mile of so.
When I get back, my gal is ready to go. She asks me if I enjoyed myself, I told her "yes." My ego says, "liar." You can be as crazy as you want to be ego-but from now on, I'm calling the shots. Get used to it. Score tonight, Brian 2, Ego 0. I may get the hang of this yet.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Welcome to the Laboratory!
In a laboratory, scientists try various methods to accomplish a task or achieve a goal. Very often their first attempts fail. Thomas Watson, the famous inventor referring to his success once said, "I have found ten thousand ways that did not work."
My favorite quote of Edison's is, "Hell there are no rules here. We are trying to accomplish something!"
Those two quotes are very appropriate here. As you seek emotional freedom, the world become your laboratory. You will try ways that do not work and your ego will attempt survival. Here then are a couple examples of this. The first is personal. The second example of what we are trying to accomplish is very contemporary and comes to us courtesy of Brooke Shields and an article in ET online today regarding her mother.
As I made my commitment to emotional freedom and was ingraining the principles of the "Four Agreements" into my head and practicing them, I hit my first dilemma. It came courtesy of a man called Dennis. Dennis and I worked together in a non profit organization. He had decided that he didn't like me much. At first I let his comments bounce off me and to my credit, I did not engage him-choosing instead not to "take anything personally." But try as I might, I could not escape Dennis and his deriding comments.
So I spoke with my spiritual friend and advisor. I told him what had been happening and what Dennis had been saying. He asked how I felt about that. I told him that I felt like kicking his ass even though I had said nothing to him.
My advisor smiled at me. He said, "we have a lot of work to do." He continued, "People are free to live their lives and we accept that." Dennis he lamented, is simply as unconscious as you were only a few weeks ago. He asked me to go home and pray for Dennis. He said you know the answer, you have already told me what is is. So I prayed for and mulled this situation over with Dennis. He was simply afraid of something and trying to control my behavior. I began to understand this. It didn't matter why-what mattered was gaining acceptance and understanding. When I did, I arrived at the only spiritual conclusion. Dennis represented a shadowy belief system that I didn't understand. I didn't have to understand it. I simply returned his comments with love and acceptance. I was ok with letting him be who he wanted to be and you know what? He quit. We ended up being somewhat agreeable pals. He began to like me, as I spoke with him more, and I began to like him. Had I engaged in that "one up" and counterattack behavior, that conclusion would have been near impossible. Because I had acted appropriately, I did not feel any guilt, shame, or remorse nor did I heap any on Dennis.
It is interesting to note that my first egoic instinct was to launch a counterattack. People around me would think I was justified in doing so. They might have even encouraged it. But you see, I would have been the one in that emotional tar pit. Not them. Their enabling thoughts would have made extraction far harder and made resolution with Dennis near impossible.
In todays Entertainment Tonite comes a story of Brooke Shields. I will use this story only as an illustration of the insanity of this planet. In no way, shape, or form is this meant to diminish Ms. Shields but it is a very timely and perfect example of what we are trying to accomplish.
According to the story, Ms. Shields' mother suffers from dementia and Ms. Shields placed her into assisted living. According to Shields, and the local police chief, two reporters posing as friends talked her mother into leaving the home intent I suppose on getting a story according to the article. The elder Shields was returned unharmed. Brooke Shields has vowed revenge on the nursing home and the reporters who lured her away calling them (labeling, judging) derogatory words and vowing litigation.
We are in the lab. Let's break this down as emotionally free people would.
Two reporters had formed a collective belief that they were not violating any rules. We cannot assume that they were there to get some juicy piece of gossip although that may seem likely.
Ms. Shields was clearly angry. Since we know that fear and our inability to control situations manifest themselves as anger it is possible that this is what is at work here. Ms. Shields thus takes on a "victim" role claiming she has been violated. She vows to launch a counterattack, thinking that she has every right to do so. This is her ego, the same ego that justifies that she is right. Perhaps she will launch this counterattack and certainly there are unconscious folks that will agree and enable her to do just that.
The problem here is simple. Ms. Shields will have to live with all that anger and resentment as her ego demands it. She can wallow in self pity and be a victim. File lawsuits, look for charges, become frustrated when her attempts to gain revenge are thwarted. The world will let her do that. She can wallow in that emotional tar pit as long as she wants. That is the insanity of the planet.
Or Brooke can gain acceptance. People are just trying to live their lives, screwing up here and there. It isn't personal-and you really do have a choice. You can choose to not let it affect you emotionally. You can take steps to prevent similar conduct. You are not required to counter attack, get angry, hateful or beat each over the heads like we have done for 2000 years. If you react with love, the people that took her will have to live with themselves. In fact, they will learn far more and far faster this way. It is a choice. You always have a choice. Emotionally free people understand this.
Thus the world is our laboratory. Each of us is free to choose how we react when adversity strikes. We can continue to behave in the same old fashioned way or try something new.
My favorite quote of Edison's is, "Hell there are no rules here. We are trying to accomplish something!"
Those two quotes are very appropriate here. As you seek emotional freedom, the world become your laboratory. You will try ways that do not work and your ego will attempt survival. Here then are a couple examples of this. The first is personal. The second example of what we are trying to accomplish is very contemporary and comes to us courtesy of Brooke Shields and an article in ET online today regarding her mother.
As I made my commitment to emotional freedom and was ingraining the principles of the "Four Agreements" into my head and practicing them, I hit my first dilemma. It came courtesy of a man called Dennis. Dennis and I worked together in a non profit organization. He had decided that he didn't like me much. At first I let his comments bounce off me and to my credit, I did not engage him-choosing instead not to "take anything personally." But try as I might, I could not escape Dennis and his deriding comments.
So I spoke with my spiritual friend and advisor. I told him what had been happening and what Dennis had been saying. He asked how I felt about that. I told him that I felt like kicking his ass even though I had said nothing to him.
My advisor smiled at me. He said, "we have a lot of work to do." He continued, "People are free to live their lives and we accept that." Dennis he lamented, is simply as unconscious as you were only a few weeks ago. He asked me to go home and pray for Dennis. He said you know the answer, you have already told me what is is. So I prayed for and mulled this situation over with Dennis. He was simply afraid of something and trying to control my behavior. I began to understand this. It didn't matter why-what mattered was gaining acceptance and understanding. When I did, I arrived at the only spiritual conclusion. Dennis represented a shadowy belief system that I didn't understand. I didn't have to understand it. I simply returned his comments with love and acceptance. I was ok with letting him be who he wanted to be and you know what? He quit. We ended up being somewhat agreeable pals. He began to like me, as I spoke with him more, and I began to like him. Had I engaged in that "one up" and counterattack behavior, that conclusion would have been near impossible. Because I had acted appropriately, I did not feel any guilt, shame, or remorse nor did I heap any on Dennis.
It is interesting to note that my first egoic instinct was to launch a counterattack. People around me would think I was justified in doing so. They might have even encouraged it. But you see, I would have been the one in that emotional tar pit. Not them. Their enabling thoughts would have made extraction far harder and made resolution with Dennis near impossible.
In todays Entertainment Tonite comes a story of Brooke Shields. I will use this story only as an illustration of the insanity of this planet. In no way, shape, or form is this meant to diminish Ms. Shields but it is a very timely and perfect example of what we are trying to accomplish.
According to the story, Ms. Shields' mother suffers from dementia and Ms. Shields placed her into assisted living. According to Shields, and the local police chief, two reporters posing as friends talked her mother into leaving the home intent I suppose on getting a story according to the article. The elder Shields was returned unharmed. Brooke Shields has vowed revenge on the nursing home and the reporters who lured her away calling them (labeling, judging) derogatory words and vowing litigation.
We are in the lab. Let's break this down as emotionally free people would.
Two reporters had formed a collective belief that they were not violating any rules. We cannot assume that they were there to get some juicy piece of gossip although that may seem likely.
Ms. Shields was clearly angry. Since we know that fear and our inability to control situations manifest themselves as anger it is possible that this is what is at work here. Ms. Shields thus takes on a "victim" role claiming she has been violated. She vows to launch a counterattack, thinking that she has every right to do so. This is her ego, the same ego that justifies that she is right. Perhaps she will launch this counterattack and certainly there are unconscious folks that will agree and enable her to do just that.
The problem here is simple. Ms. Shields will have to live with all that anger and resentment as her ego demands it. She can wallow in self pity and be a victim. File lawsuits, look for charges, become frustrated when her attempts to gain revenge are thwarted. The world will let her do that. She can wallow in that emotional tar pit as long as she wants. That is the insanity of the planet.
Or Brooke can gain acceptance. People are just trying to live their lives, screwing up here and there. It isn't personal-and you really do have a choice. You can choose to not let it affect you emotionally. You can take steps to prevent similar conduct. You are not required to counter attack, get angry, hateful or beat each over the heads like we have done for 2000 years. If you react with love, the people that took her will have to live with themselves. In fact, they will learn far more and far faster this way. It is a choice. You always have a choice. Emotionally free people understand this.
Thus the world is our laboratory. Each of us is free to choose how we react when adversity strikes. We can continue to behave in the same old fashioned way or try something new.
A. Make a Commitment
My first pass through the book, "The Four Agreements", left me stunned. Here were four key rules that would improve my life dramatically and change the way I saw the world. Change my perception.
I had already embraced the concept that individual human beings simply don't understand one another although I have known a few who think they do, which includes myself. That includes other family members. Thus, all people simply represent shadows to me. Shadows on Plato's cave wall.
The idea that you really know nothing about anyone else is actually a very healthy one. It creates a level playing field wherein you have made no judgments, rendered no opinions. The actualization and beauty of that is that you will never have to do that again. It is simply un necessary.
As I reflected back on my life and the four agreements, I realized how often I had violated those simple rules. It was an embarrassing and humiliating moment for me. I also remember thinking how powerful it would have been to be taught those rules as a teenager. Would I have embraced those principles at 15? The answer is yes, I think so.
I read the "Four Agreements" several times. It is a quick read, about three or four hours. In the weeks that followed, I began to formulate an action plan. These are the key components to the plan I adopted.
1. A willingness to change the way I saw the world. My way simply did not work well.
2. I would wipe the emotional slate clean. I would accept that friend or foe, I simply didn't understand nor could I possibly understand, anyone else.
3. I would put the "Four Agreements" into action. "Use Impeccable Words, Take Nothing Personally, Make No Assumptions, Always Do Your Best. I made a commitment.
I had some difficulty with "Take Nothing Personally" as it applied to me. That was a very difficult concept for me to grasp and understand. I re-read that chapter a total of nine times. Eventually I found myself accepting that. Taking nothing personally meant accepting complete responsibility for every thing that happened to you, refusing to accept a victim role or wallow in self pity, and understanding that other people are simply living their lives.It is and never was-personal.
When someone judges you, they simply reflect who they are and their beliefs. It has nothing to do with you. They are making the same mistake that we have recognized in ourselves and are trying to fix. We accept that others are entitled to their beliefs and we are fine with that. What others say simply bounces off us. Because we have understanding.
That doesn't make us better or worse, we simply have recognition.
To actually acquire and practice these agreements takes commitment. It may take you a few hours to read the book but a lifetime to implement.
The "Four Agreements" became my base operating system. I found myself changing all the rules. My ego desperately wanted to cling to it's false beliefs and it struggled for survival. I began to realize how insane all that was.
I'm not suggesting that the "Four Agreements" is the only path to emotional freedom but it's not a bad place to start. I've known others who have used a "Course in Miracles" as a reference and I am stunned at how insightful they are. In fact, I see both texts as mutually beneficial and they achieve eye popping results. In fact, the written course seems a very appropriate choice because it is done in black and white and not subject to the ramblings and distractions of verbal coaching. I met one couple who used both. They coach and teach for free.
(A hint from a good friend. Read the black stuff, not the white stuff.)
Make no mistake about it, in the beginning you are about to engage in a tug of war with your ego and a belief system that doesn't want to change. It will use fear and identity loss and every other available tool to prevent you from becoming who you want to be. We must also accept that it is a two steps forward, one step back, kind of thing.
One last caveat. In a world of fast food, credit cards, and Federal Express emotional freedom is not something you get immediately upon demand. It is a slow and arduous process to recognize and unlearn bad belief systems. Then we must build new ones. We spoke briefly about expectations. It takes what it takes. If it's taken us 50 years to recognize and accept that racism is a flawed belief system, well let's hope we achieve quicker and better results for ourselves.
Making a commitment means recognizing that we want fulfilling and emotionally free lives. We want to love and see love in return. I accept that there is more than one way to get to Denver and so it is, I accept that there are other paths to obtain emotional freedom than the one I found. Whatever path you select, make a commitment. Making a commitment means that you are about to begin the process of loving yourself. You will accept your mistakes and realize that you are not doomed to repeat them. We become part of the solution when we commit to this process. You do not have to feel fear, guilt, pain, or shame ever again.
If you think of the last 2000 years as a sociology experiment, then perhaps clubbing each other over the heads, arguing, and killing each other might lead you to believe that we might be doing something wrong. In my past life, we call that prima facia evidence.
I had already embraced the concept that individual human beings simply don't understand one another although I have known a few who think they do, which includes myself. That includes other family members. Thus, all people simply represent shadows to me. Shadows on Plato's cave wall.
The idea that you really know nothing about anyone else is actually a very healthy one. It creates a level playing field wherein you have made no judgments, rendered no opinions. The actualization and beauty of that is that you will never have to do that again. It is simply un necessary.
As I reflected back on my life and the four agreements, I realized how often I had violated those simple rules. It was an embarrassing and humiliating moment for me. I also remember thinking how powerful it would have been to be taught those rules as a teenager. Would I have embraced those principles at 15? The answer is yes, I think so.
I read the "Four Agreements" several times. It is a quick read, about three or four hours. In the weeks that followed, I began to formulate an action plan. These are the key components to the plan I adopted.
1. A willingness to change the way I saw the world. My way simply did not work well.
2. I would wipe the emotional slate clean. I would accept that friend or foe, I simply didn't understand nor could I possibly understand, anyone else.
3. I would put the "Four Agreements" into action. "Use Impeccable Words, Take Nothing Personally, Make No Assumptions, Always Do Your Best. I made a commitment.
I had some difficulty with "Take Nothing Personally" as it applied to me. That was a very difficult concept for me to grasp and understand. I re-read that chapter a total of nine times. Eventually I found myself accepting that. Taking nothing personally meant accepting complete responsibility for every thing that happened to you, refusing to accept a victim role or wallow in self pity, and understanding that other people are simply living their lives.It is and never was-personal.
When someone judges you, they simply reflect who they are and their beliefs. It has nothing to do with you. They are making the same mistake that we have recognized in ourselves and are trying to fix. We accept that others are entitled to their beliefs and we are fine with that. What others say simply bounces off us. Because we have understanding.
That doesn't make us better or worse, we simply have recognition.
To actually acquire and practice these agreements takes commitment. It may take you a few hours to read the book but a lifetime to implement.
The "Four Agreements" became my base operating system. I found myself changing all the rules. My ego desperately wanted to cling to it's false beliefs and it struggled for survival. I began to realize how insane all that was.
I'm not suggesting that the "Four Agreements" is the only path to emotional freedom but it's not a bad place to start. I've known others who have used a "Course in Miracles" as a reference and I am stunned at how insightful they are. In fact, I see both texts as mutually beneficial and they achieve eye popping results. In fact, the written course seems a very appropriate choice because it is done in black and white and not subject to the ramblings and distractions of verbal coaching. I met one couple who used both. They coach and teach for free.
(A hint from a good friend. Read the black stuff, not the white stuff.)
Make no mistake about it, in the beginning you are about to engage in a tug of war with your ego and a belief system that doesn't want to change. It will use fear and identity loss and every other available tool to prevent you from becoming who you want to be. We must also accept that it is a two steps forward, one step back, kind of thing.
One last caveat. In a world of fast food, credit cards, and Federal Express emotional freedom is not something you get immediately upon demand. It is a slow and arduous process to recognize and unlearn bad belief systems. Then we must build new ones. We spoke briefly about expectations. It takes what it takes. If it's taken us 50 years to recognize and accept that racism is a flawed belief system, well let's hope we achieve quicker and better results for ourselves.
Making a commitment means recognizing that we want fulfilling and emotionally free lives. We want to love and see love in return. I accept that there is more than one way to get to Denver and so it is, I accept that there are other paths to obtain emotional freedom than the one I found. Whatever path you select, make a commitment. Making a commitment means that you are about to begin the process of loving yourself. You will accept your mistakes and realize that you are not doomed to repeat them. We become part of the solution when we commit to this process. You do not have to feel fear, guilt, pain, or shame ever again.
If you think of the last 2000 years as a sociology experiment, then perhaps clubbing each other over the heads, arguing, and killing each other might lead you to believe that we might be doing something wrong. In my past life, we call that prima facia evidence.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
