Playing Nice With My Alter(native) Ego

I have a secret. I love writing on this blog. I had to edit this. It was just too smug sounding. I apologize for that.

I don't write here much because unfortunately, I don't see people who recognize that life can be peaceful and serene. That there are very adaptive ways to achieve happiness. When depressing news strikes- you are able to receive it, recognize it, adapt, apply the solution, and get well in short order.

The problem for many or most, including myself once, is that you might not believe this is possible.

I think a lot of people would rather be mired in conflict and negative feelings. I see it all the time. It's a lie your alter ego tells you. You do in fact have a choice. You make decisions every day. I like this piece because I see it all the time. http://thecivillibertarian.blogspot.com/2011/08/angry-class.html

Finding A Power (Gasp, God) Of Your Own Understanding

I am not sure how I landed so many friends that are agnostic or atheist. Perhaps I attract those types or perhaps that is the evolution of things. I'm not sure.

If you've landed here, or if you struggle with the God concept, I have great news! That human punishing God- is a fable. A complete wives' tale. He doesn't send anyone to hell. Intuitively, I know this has to be true.

Unconditional love. To acquire unconditional love means that you are going to have to throw all of your earthly and unfortunately- human programming away. This time around, you are no longer going to hate or dislike anyone, you are not going to take anything personally, and you will let people be who they are. If a knucklehead like me can accomplish that, do you think a God might do a little better?

Imagine if you will, a highly evolved form of life that loves unconditionally. Do you think he or she might have an understanding of the limitations of a fear driven human mind? A human mind that can only understand what it senses. Tangible things? If you have a daughter are you going to punish her unmercifully because she doesn't understand the concept of gravity?

I used to buy into all of that human rhetoric about what God was. Then I realized something. I found that I began to have the capacity to love everyone. That I became extremely understanding and tolerant. That I no longer felt threatened by things others said- even those things directed at me. I knew I was just scratching the surface. And I also began to realize that God, in whatever form that is, would be far more advanced than I was. Then it hit me. There is simply no way that an unconditionally and loving God arbitrarily punishes people for what they don't understand. Like gravity. That cannot be the concept of an evolved life form. That is a concept of fear driven, control everything, human beings. That if I had the capacity to understand an atheist- so did God.

I used to say that if the God we have is a judgmental, punishing God, I don't want him. I still don't.

To this day, I don't get angry at people for their beliefs. It's not my job. In fact, I don't think it's God's job either. I no longer worry when a loved one tells me she is an atheist. I understand and I no longer feel threatened or scared. I figure if a knucklehead like me can understand that concept, I gotta think a power greater than I am- has figured that out too.

Being There

About the time I wrote, "My Ship Has Come In" my life starting becoming very calm and serene. In fact, the prospect of my own death leaves me calm and serene. I am convinced I can do what others claim. I believe I can trust the death process and accept it. Bold words now... so we'll see what happens when the time comes.

Today, I had an occasion to listen to a gal that is completely self centered and ego driven. I always have the feeling when I see her- that she just wants a little attention.

I had a goal this week. Every where I went, I was present and listening. Minimal talking. I focused on what people were saying and what they were really trying to say. This has always been hard for me. As I have gotten older... I really suspect that I have a touch of adult attention deficit disorder. It's not something I have had my whole life. I have just noticed it recently and others have noticed it as well.

"Being there" means that I am listening fully to what other people have to say. That is not always good. I've found that some people tend to repeat themselves. I've learned to let them know that I heard what they said the first time. Being nice and saying this once, will let people know you are listening. It will prevent a lot of this reoccurring type speech. This has been a problem with this particular gal I am referring to...not to mention myself.

Today, I listened intently to what she had to say. I have the solution. Why is it, that ego driven people who love to talk- cannot listen? Or more precisely- comprehend. Why is it that they practice contempt prior to investigation" Often they think, if they do not know the solution- a solution does not exist. They are prevented by their very ego from accepting the solution. In fact, they don't even really want to hear a solution. They just want attention and for you to listen to them.

I simply listened and smiled today. You cannot give people something which they cannot recognize or define. In fact, I do not go out of my way to try and help people. I would but quite honestly they would rather live their lives mired in craziness and ego. Very often I see desperate people who would benefit remarkably from the work I've done. They remind me of me. Like me- they don't have a road map that tells them where they are or how to get where they want to be- nor do they think one exists. That's too bad. The tools are out there. They are here. All you have to do is pick them up and get to work.

The hardest part is watching the people we love suffer. Especially when we have found a better way. I am beginning to believe- in fact I do- that we are all on an individual journey. Some people will not find any peace or serenity on this visit to earth. In fact, some will find hell on earth. They will never be at peace with themselves. They will always want something, worry about something else.

I am so grateful. I enjoy being here. Or being there.

The Value of Adversity and the Struggle

As I look back on the last 50 years of my life and recount the good times- I simply can't neglect the value of adversity. Of struggle. Without adversity and the struggle- you cannot know what is good in life. Very often, it is the struggle itself. From wiki on yin yang...

In Taoist philosophy, yin and yang (☯) arise together from an initial quiescence or emptiness (wuji, sometimes symbolized by an empty circle), and continue moving in tandem until quiescence is reached again. For instance, dropping a stone in a calm pool of water will simultaneously raise waves and lower troughs between them, and this alternation of high and low points in the water will radiate outward until the movement dissipates and the pool is calm once more. Yin and yang thus are always opposite and equal qualities. Further, whenever one quality reaches its peak, it will naturally begin to transform into the opposite quality: for example, grain that reaches its full height in summer (fully yang) will produce seeds and die back in winter (fully yin) in an endless cycle.

It is impossible to talk about yin or yang without some reference to the opposite, since yin and yang are bound together as parts of a mutual whole (i.e. you cannot have the back of a hand without the front).

When we are living through adversity and the struggle we have no idea of it's value. In fact- we think it has no value or that it is detrimental. We label it as negative. We try to avoid the struggle at all costs. We fight and resist it. Yet it is that very struggle that will define the high points in our lives. Adversity and the struggle and the extent of it- may very well define what type of life we will have. It will define the perimeters. And we will look back at the struggle and very often we will say- that times of great adversity were the most valuable times in our lives.

What happens to those that never taste significant adversity? Their lives are narrowly defined. The lows are higher, the highs are lower. The good and the bad get blurred. People that have not tasted substantial adversity are cheated in life. They have no reference point. They lack understanding. They never taste the fear of spending a night under the park bench or in the mission. They take life for granted. A life without fear, without struggle or sacrifice, has diminished value. Without yang there can be no yin. They define each other. They exist in complete harmony- unless of course humans interfere with that process.

I have seen people who have tasted little or no adversity. I know of a couple enduring tremendous adversity right now. I look with confidence upon the latter...they will grow quite strong. I feel sorry for the former. They will have no way of measuring what is good or bad in life. They will not be forced to fear, to fight, to struggle mightily, to improve. It will all just be mediocre for them. Their life's yin will lack luster. They will not understand.

As I look back on the greatest times in my life- there were times of success, of adversity, and of struggle. I am grateful for the lowest lows in my life for without them- I could not define how valuable and wonderful life can be. I want to feel the good and the bad. I don't want some mediocre existence shielded by well meaning people trying to make my life easier. I like it hard sometimes. I am ok with that. I am grateful for every ache in my body. To feel those aches- aches that I earned in the struggle. I see the value of those things- I can't imagine life being any other way.

A Daily Commitment

The month of March has been fantastic. In terms of personal, emotional, and spiritual growth- I'm not sure it could get any better.

With an absolute and unwavering commitment to not take anything personally, life just gets better all of the time. Letting people be who they are, and that can include a lot of unconsciousness and dysfunction, is not a suggestion. It is mandatory. In fact, I would not have been able to get the level of serenity and calmness that I have achieved- without an unflinching commitment to this process.

It has evolved into a daily commitment and meditation. For me, it goes like this...

I am going to be the best person I can be today.

I am in charge of all of my emotions- I will make all of those emotional choices today. I am going to let people be just as crazy and insane as they want to be. I will not take any of their actions personally. Nor will I try to control or change any of their actions. When in doubt, I will ask WWGD? (what would God do) That is the choice I will make.

When I let people be who they are and I refuse to try and control their behavior (or become upset at differing opinions)- I find that about 80% of my problems disappear. The other 20% of my angst occurs when others try to control me or failing there- say something diminishing in frustration. I recognize those things now and I simply don't participate. Retaliation is failure.

As a side note, the people who purport to love us the most are the ones who often try to claim the moral high ground or who push buttons. Recognizing this is difficult but not impossible. If the people who purport to love us the most are causing us the most emotional distress- it is simply time to re-evaluate whether we want to continue to subject ourselves to this brand of "love."

I can honestly say, that except for one unavoidable exchange, I cannot recall a better month for me emotionally. By practicing spiritual principles, and adhering to them under difficult circumstances, we really can get to a place where unnecessary conflict is avoidable. Where necessary conflict can be addressed intelligently and as rationally as possible.

How many people commit to this type of daily process? The truth is, I don't know of any one. That's a shame- it's been an excellent daily plan for me.

1241 Days

This is my 100th post here.

About 1241 days ago, I was sitting in a beautiful backyard. I had consumed 6 or 7 beers and 1/2 of a bottle of Irish Whiskey. Completely mired in self pity, bitter memories, isolation and depression, I came up with a solution.

I was going to blow my brains out. That was my solution. And as I thought about it, I couldn't do it. Perhaps I was just too fearful. Or perhaps, a power greater than myself intervened. I call that day- the best day of my life. It was Oct. 9, 2007. The day I was given the gift of desperation.

I'd like to think that what has happened to me since then was a miracle. If in fact the rules of physics apply and indeed I do believe that they do- that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction- then my writing here is symbolic. A testament to the deepest depression I have ever seen and felt. My equal and opposite reaction has been real emotional freedom.

You know what worries me the most? That people cannot find that level of despair sufficient enough to catapult them out of emotional hell. That somehow, many of them wander in some netherworld between heaven and hell- never getting too bad nor getting too good. Lost. Just ok. Surviving. I heard one of those searchers last night. He was talking about how life sucked. I flashed on my journey. Gawd I want to help people like this. I want to scream out to them and shake them. I have the solution. It works. I found it- not because I am brilliant or smug. I was rescued. I was able to examine the very real possibility that the biggest problem in my life is me. It is always me. And that exit is shrouded and blocked off by ego. Your ego will do anything and everything in it's power to prevent your escape. Make no mistake about it. You will have to kill your ego, that false of sense of self, to get to the exit. There is no other way.

That concept is difficult to convey to anyone. In fact, it is borderline impossible. I am beginning to accept that. This is a giant classroom with just a couple of students in it.

So today, I am celebrating my 100th piece here. I don't have "days" in the conventional sense. I have life in the unconventional sense. I recognize this. I would have missed all of this had I pulled that trigger. I have found a way to change all of my perceptions to something that I can't define as good or bad. It's a peace and serenity that defies all description and just loving some guy that says life sucks. Laughing about his perceptions, his reality. Remembering how that felt.

What a difference 1241 days can make. Humbled and grateful. Like a four year winning streak.

Death Doesn't Have To Be a Four Letter Word

A few weeks ago, one of my best friends was killed. I have often thought (and reasonably so) that the single greatest fear we all share- is that of our own death.

Imagine being an atheist. You have zero belief in any power greater than yourself. You have no hope for any life beyond what you are experiencing here. You think we are swamp creatures, delivered here in some cosmic strike 4.7 billion years ago. What brought that first living cell? Where did it come from? What sparked that first cell to begin it's glacial march through evolution to life as we know it?

Proof of life. Proof of a power greater than ourselves, is all around you. It is you. You don't need anything else. You don't really need a Bible or a religion to establish proof. You don't even really need the historic account. Your existence here is proof that life was delivered here. So what are we debating? Who made the delivery?

We fear. We fear the unknown and we don't trust it. And when we fear what appears to be a vast unknown, we can't intelligently grasp it. We struggle mightily. We have nagging doubts. Now what I am about to post here has a political theme. Please ignore that. The political angle is not what I am focused on. I am focused on the fear driven coping mechanism of a human being that cannot trust the life-death-life cycle. This comment was in response to an offered premise that the fear of death is what drives people to do what they do. Although the comment doesn't deal directly with that subject, it attempts to expand what motivates people to make sense of their lives because and I assume here- that the writer is speaking of those people with no sense of a power greater than themselves. The writer may be right. I clipped this comment for that very reason.

From the leftist site Alternet in 2007:

“People who want to see the world bettered — made more just and honest and kind — often set their gaze on the farthest horizon. Our instinct, as progressives with global perspectives, is to obsess over situations far afield of our own backyards — Indonesia, Sudan, the Middle East. These situations stir a sort of Peace Corp romance within us, a love affair with that which might make us feel gallant and extraordinary for caring.

I am as guilty as the next bleeding heart of focusing the majority of my energies on problems I see as compelling in large part because of their strangeness to me. But when I sit with myself, quiet my righteous indignation, my whiny white guilt, my attachment to the idea that I am a humble truth teller among powerful fibbers, I realize that it is not the world outside of me that is in most desperate need of my world-changing instincts. It is the world inside of me, the world between me and my beloved.”

I used to be able to stomach leftist rhetoric, as a way of knowing what they are thinking and expressing amongst themselves. 4 yrs ago when I read this confession of projection, I waited a few days to allow a leftist poster to disagree and defend the concrete and objective benefits of their activism. No one did so…so I have no conclusion to draw other than that leftists project their flaws and problems onto the entire world and into the situations of distant strangers as a way of avoiding the hard work of self-betterment in their own lives and communities. Truly scary and sick people, to be shunned by all of us with a healthy instinct of self-preservation.

-I cut this comment for two reasons. The writer is just beginning to scratch the surface of personal awareness. The world isn't the problem, I am. I am always the problem. This is an absolute. The second thing I'd take away here is that clearly there is a lot of spiritual growth left here. That blaming others to make myself feel better theme. I note that level of ego attachment and unconsciousness because I could have written this very thing a few years ago. I was very adept at recognizing everyone else's flaws while ignoring the vastness of my very own. Conscious thought now can only lead me to the following truth.

The only way to conquer fear is acceptance. In order to conquer fear, I must accept the process of death. I must let go of a rock that I have been clinging to my entire life. I must trust that when I let go, that a power greater than myself has arranged the journey and that I will not get dashed on a rock by the current.

It is by trust and love that I achieve acceptance. In other words, if you fear death- you are by default- denying the existence of your Creator. Or you have identified the Creator as being hate filled or punishing. If you believe in a hate filled and punishing Creator you are in fear. You cannot come to terms with the idea of the unknown. It scares you. You are relegated to the hordes that cannot grasp the idea that a Creator or God must practice unconditional love. That the Creator will take care of you. That is the promise that came with that first living cell.

Show me a human being that is not afraid to die and I will show you someone that believes in the universal language of unconditional love.

Today, I choose not to live in fear. When I am fearful, I am the problem. It is my perceptions, limited as they may be, that prevent me from trusting a process that was designed and delivered long ago. And if I am to truly practice unconditional love in a power greater than myself, then I have to believe that very love will be reciprocated and practiced by a Creator far greater than myself. I have to trust the death process. And if I can't- I am just a fearful and practicing agnostic or atheist, aren't I?

Today, I see things in a way that I never thought was possible. I am grateful and somewhat humbled for a remarkable journey that was facilitated by a power far greater than I. Left to my unconscious belief systems, my arrival and journey here, might have been fun but void of spiritual growth. I am able to understand and to trust a process that will visit the ones that I know and love- and it will visit me. I can either accept, trust, and love that process or I can be fearful, untrusting, and dread it. These are the choices I make today.