I stumbled onto this you tube video clip. There is a little profanity in it but I don't see it as particularly gratuitous.
Three years ago, I felt just like Joe Rogan of Fear Factor fame. The reason I am posting this here is that Mr. Rogan is describing myself and the world I was mired in. He knows there is something wrong. He just can't describe it precisely and he doesn't know how to fix it. Mr. Rogan- welcome. You have just discovered the insanity of the planet. Our inability to evolve. You have described many of the things I have written about here. I'm sorry, I couldn't get the video completely centered...
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Do Some People Simply Enjoy Being Negative? The Shame and Guilt Cycle
A lot of us have met negative people or in some cases- are negative people. Often, we rush to judge these folks thinking that we are somehow more knowledgeable or capable than others and so we judge them quickly.
Sometimes we "assume" that there are people who enjoy being negative. They seem superficially, to actually thrive in negativity. The question then is, "do some people enjoy negativity?"
While often it may appear so, I think that making that assumption is incorrect. Let me explain.
When I started this blog I wrote a piece about Plato's, "Allegory of the Cave." A place where inhabitants of the cave, bound and fixed, viewed shadows on the cave wall. Thus the cave inhabitants believed those shapes were true representations of creatures in the cave. They assumed various projections and shadows were true only to find out upon their release- that in fact their captors were projecting shapes and images onto the cave wall.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Allegory_of_the_Cave
Those projections could have been true. But in this metaphor they were not.
When you meet one of these people, someone you believe to be negative, what you are really viewing is a superficial snapshot or a shadow- that they cast. And while that shadow may appear negative initially, we simply can't assume or reach a conclusion about who they are. We have no conclusive information even though we may think we do.
I have a friend who I have repeated contact with. He absolutely lights up whenever he is involved in a conversation wherein somebody else is under attack. He is the first one to wade in and criticize another person's behavior. Gossip. He seems to enjoy this. Why?
Initially, I didn't know why. I was viewing that shadow that he cast. It might have been easy to just label him as negative and avoid him, but I did not. For over a year, I have had the opportunity to listen to him many times. I have queried him a few more. The pieces began to fall into place. Instead of seeing that shadow that he casts, I began to gain true understanding about who he is and why he is. This guy is no spring chicken either- he has been walking on rare earth for nearly 8 decades. In fact, I may understand pieces of him better than he understands himself.
I'd like to introduce the guilt, shame, and criticism cycle here.
As a child, this man was subjected to a lot of guilt, shame, and criticism. This was the path that his parents chose in their misguided belief that this was how you raise children. So it was that this boy was called lazy, stubborn, stupid. He was beat on a few times, kicked out of the house. He acquired a belief system that this is how people behave. Not knowing how to cope with all the shame and guilt he felt, he turned to booze. Alcohol was his solution- his coping mechanism. He got married- had children of his own and what do you suppose happened?
He did the very same thing to his wife and children. He treated them the only way he knew how. He criticized them, shamed them, injected the same damage that he had learned as a child. His wife divorced him (he never remarried, interestingly) and his kids hate him. Most of the people I know don't like him either. He did manage to quit drinking many years ago.
This man is still unconscious to the extent that he continues to judge others. He loves to criticize others- it makes him feel better about himself. He has never uncovered that belief system or examined it- even though it is clearly damaging and useless.
I don't think he actually enjoys this- even though it appears that he does. I think that he simply doesn't know how to live any other way. And because he projects this criticism on others- he isolates himself. People refuse to speak with him. They don't want a dose of black medicine from him. Being isolated and lonely cannot be enjoyable. At the very worst my friend is just unconscious. He doesn't understand and probably can't understand why others are more sociable, have more friends.
So I cut this guy a lot of slack. I understand the shame and guilt piece. I understand unconsciousness. And because I do, I get along well with this guy. He's still unconscious and he still takes cheap shots at me once in awhile- I just don't defend myself. I don't need to. I refuse to swallow that poison or utter any retaliatory or diminishing remarks. I must bore him to death. Sometimes he looks at me like I am deaf or perhaps he thinks I am just dense or stupid- which is fine.
I am giggling as I write this. I will see him tomorrow. He doesn't mess with me too much anymore- very often I will watch as he criticizes others. They tend to swallow his poison and thus set off one of those insane "one up and diminishing" word wars. In the end it is he who suffers and truthfully, I don't believe anyone could enjoy that too much.
Just a shadow. A little reminder of what it was like. Thanks, Plato.
Sometimes we "assume" that there are people who enjoy being negative. They seem superficially, to actually thrive in negativity. The question then is, "do some people enjoy negativity?"
While often it may appear so, I think that making that assumption is incorrect. Let me explain.
When I started this blog I wrote a piece about Plato's, "Allegory of the Cave." A place where inhabitants of the cave, bound and fixed, viewed shadows on the cave wall. Thus the cave inhabitants believed those shapes were true representations of creatures in the cave. They assumed various projections and shadows were true only to find out upon their release- that in fact their captors were projecting shapes and images onto the cave wall.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Allegory_of_the_Cave
Those projections could have been true. But in this metaphor they were not.
When you meet one of these people, someone you believe to be negative, what you are really viewing is a superficial snapshot or a shadow- that they cast. And while that shadow may appear negative initially, we simply can't assume or reach a conclusion about who they are. We have no conclusive information even though we may think we do.
I have a friend who I have repeated contact with. He absolutely lights up whenever he is involved in a conversation wherein somebody else is under attack. He is the first one to wade in and criticize another person's behavior. Gossip. He seems to enjoy this. Why?
Initially, I didn't know why. I was viewing that shadow that he cast. It might have been easy to just label him as negative and avoid him, but I did not. For over a year, I have had the opportunity to listen to him many times. I have queried him a few more. The pieces began to fall into place. Instead of seeing that shadow that he casts, I began to gain true understanding about who he is and why he is. This guy is no spring chicken either- he has been walking on rare earth for nearly 8 decades. In fact, I may understand pieces of him better than he understands himself.
I'd like to introduce the guilt, shame, and criticism cycle here.
As a child, this man was subjected to a lot of guilt, shame, and criticism. This was the path that his parents chose in their misguided belief that this was how you raise children. So it was that this boy was called lazy, stubborn, stupid. He was beat on a few times, kicked out of the house. He acquired a belief system that this is how people behave. Not knowing how to cope with all the shame and guilt he felt, he turned to booze. Alcohol was his solution- his coping mechanism. He got married- had children of his own and what do you suppose happened?
He did the very same thing to his wife and children. He treated them the only way he knew how. He criticized them, shamed them, injected the same damage that he had learned as a child. His wife divorced him (he never remarried, interestingly) and his kids hate him. Most of the people I know don't like him either. He did manage to quit drinking many years ago.
This man is still unconscious to the extent that he continues to judge others. He loves to criticize others- it makes him feel better about himself. He has never uncovered that belief system or examined it- even though it is clearly damaging and useless.
I don't think he actually enjoys this- even though it appears that he does. I think that he simply doesn't know how to live any other way. And because he projects this criticism on others- he isolates himself. People refuse to speak with him. They don't want a dose of black medicine from him. Being isolated and lonely cannot be enjoyable. At the very worst my friend is just unconscious. He doesn't understand and probably can't understand why others are more sociable, have more friends.
So I cut this guy a lot of slack. I understand the shame and guilt piece. I understand unconsciousness. And because I do, I get along well with this guy. He's still unconscious and he still takes cheap shots at me once in awhile- I just don't defend myself. I don't need to. I refuse to swallow that poison or utter any retaliatory or diminishing remarks. I must bore him to death. Sometimes he looks at me like I am deaf or perhaps he thinks I am just dense or stupid- which is fine.
I am giggling as I write this. I will see him tomorrow. He doesn't mess with me too much anymore- very often I will watch as he criticizes others. They tend to swallow his poison and thus set off one of those insane "one up and diminishing" word wars. In the end it is he who suffers and truthfully, I don't believe anyone could enjoy that too much.
Just a shadow. A little reminder of what it was like. Thanks, Plato.
Friday, September 3, 2010
The Outer Purpose
Several years ago, just as I had entered my foray into public writing, I had a commenter tell me that the only reason I wrote was because of my ego. I have never forgotten that comment, I suppose because it is partially or perhaps largely true.
I love to write. And as much as I love to write, I want to help the planet. A planet that desperately thinks it doesn't need help. Or if it does- they think you are the one that needs help. Here then is a link to a pulitzer prize winning author's article about political activist, Glenn Beck.
http://www.mtexpress.com/index2.php?ID=2005133069
I am certain that Kathleen Parker loves to write. The problem with Kathleen's writing is that her unconscious ego is doing it. Smearing other people to make yourself feel better, or to sell copy, is hardly writing with an aware and conscious mind. In fact, it is a perfect example of what happens when unconscious ego finds nothing wrong with attacking others. But I'm not here to beat up Kathleen Parker- she is just one of thousands of writers I have read which have created similar content. The collective insanity of the planet that thinks it's ok, perhaps even useful, to write something like this.
I want to take you back to my opening premise. I have a problem. It is the collective insanity of our society. A society driven by fear, greed, and ego. But in order to identify the root problem, I have to use my flawed ego to identify egos just as flawed as my own. How am I going to do that? Am I simply going to say, my ego is healthier or more correct than yours, Kathleen Parker? (Just take my word for it.) So the harsh reality, that piece of acceptance we must all share- is that it simply isn't possible to write anything without some form of ego involved.
So if I accept that I cannot eliminate ego from my writing, then I must do three things. I must love what I do, I must be responsible with the content that I write, and I must seek to help, teach, or perhaps even love others- rather than damage them.
Eckhardt Tolle talks about this awakening in a "New Earth." Wherein we all have an inner or primary purpose which is pure- the conscious identification of ego and that false sense of self that hurts and damages others because it thinks it needs to do so for survival. Once you have achieved an acceptable level of inner awareness, (inner purpose) then you move onto that which is your outer purpose. For Tolle, he is an author and spiritual teacher. Kathleen Parker is a writer.
This then becomes the conundrum. To point out the flawed and unconscious ego driven behavior of others, am I not in fact claiming superior ego and awareness for myself? Yes, as a matter of fact I am. I simply can't escape that. That Tolle, so masterfully wrote a "New Earth" without specifically attacking or diminishing others (and thus turning them off) is the real brains behind that writing. To expose the universal flaws in all human beings and to get some of us to pay attention and actually engage in the practice of awakening is a miracle. That book was worth its weight in gold to me.
My awareness simply won't allow me to continue to behave in a diminishing way anymore. And I have to accept the fact that the world around me will continue to behave as they always have. Kathleen Parker or Glenn Beck. Real emotional freedom means letting people be just as insane as they want to be and being ok with that- even as they would diminish me. I have to focus on being emotionally free- I just try to help those that are making the same effort that I am. It's not a perfect process and it's not like we have had millions of folks paving the way for us- but examining others' and using that same examination on ourselves helps us create a path toward more spiritually correct behavior. And as I write, with that outer purpose that is a part of me, I want to convey the possibilities of a sane and rational world. A world where you don't have to be right, or argue, or fight. Or kill each other. Or write scathing copy about your perceived adversaries.
I love to write. And as much as I love to write, I want to help the planet. A planet that desperately thinks it doesn't need help. Or if it does- they think you are the one that needs help. Here then is a link to a pulitzer prize winning author's article about political activist, Glenn Beck.
http://www.mtexpress.com/index2.php?ID=2005133069
I am certain that Kathleen Parker loves to write. The problem with Kathleen's writing is that her unconscious ego is doing it. Smearing other people to make yourself feel better, or to sell copy, is hardly writing with an aware and conscious mind. In fact, it is a perfect example of what happens when unconscious ego finds nothing wrong with attacking others. But I'm not here to beat up Kathleen Parker- she is just one of thousands of writers I have read which have created similar content. The collective insanity of the planet that thinks it's ok, perhaps even useful, to write something like this.
I want to take you back to my opening premise. I have a problem. It is the collective insanity of our society. A society driven by fear, greed, and ego. But in order to identify the root problem, I have to use my flawed ego to identify egos just as flawed as my own. How am I going to do that? Am I simply going to say, my ego is healthier or more correct than yours, Kathleen Parker? (Just take my word for it.) So the harsh reality, that piece of acceptance we must all share- is that it simply isn't possible to write anything without some form of ego involved.
So if I accept that I cannot eliminate ego from my writing, then I must do three things. I must love what I do, I must be responsible with the content that I write, and I must seek to help, teach, or perhaps even love others- rather than damage them.
Eckhardt Tolle talks about this awakening in a "New Earth." Wherein we all have an inner or primary purpose which is pure- the conscious identification of ego and that false sense of self that hurts and damages others because it thinks it needs to do so for survival. Once you have achieved an acceptable level of inner awareness, (inner purpose) then you move onto that which is your outer purpose. For Tolle, he is an author and spiritual teacher. Kathleen Parker is a writer.
This then becomes the conundrum. To point out the flawed and unconscious ego driven behavior of others, am I not in fact claiming superior ego and awareness for myself? Yes, as a matter of fact I am. I simply can't escape that. That Tolle, so masterfully wrote a "New Earth" without specifically attacking or diminishing others (and thus turning them off) is the real brains behind that writing. To expose the universal flaws in all human beings and to get some of us to pay attention and actually engage in the practice of awakening is a miracle. That book was worth its weight in gold to me.
My awareness simply won't allow me to continue to behave in a diminishing way anymore. And I have to accept the fact that the world around me will continue to behave as they always have. Kathleen Parker or Glenn Beck. Real emotional freedom means letting people be just as insane as they want to be and being ok with that- even as they would diminish me. I have to focus on being emotionally free- I just try to help those that are making the same effort that I am. It's not a perfect process and it's not like we have had millions of folks paving the way for us- but examining others' and using that same examination on ourselves helps us create a path toward more spiritually correct behavior. And as I write, with that outer purpose that is a part of me, I want to convey the possibilities of a sane and rational world. A world where you don't have to be right, or argue, or fight. Or kill each other. Or write scathing copy about your perceived adversaries.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Guys like Dan
Have you ever found yourself in a situation where an individual enters a room and based on their dress, hygiene, and appearance, you begin evaluating, judging them, and drawing conclusions?
Have you ever found yourself involved in a conversation with someone that you disagreed with, or perhaps didn't like their verbal delivery method, and thus decided that this person had no value? Or made some decision that they were superior or inferior to you intellectually?
I cannot speak for anyone reading here so let me raise my hand and say, "Yes, I have done all of that ridiculous judging and thus assuming. That I intuitively think I know who you are based on some of the slightest information, a brief snapshot or moment in time, or your appearance."
Do you know how insane that is? How incredibly stupid, childish, and ego driven that is?
I do.
Let me furnish an excellent, albeit extreme, example.
About 6 months ago, I saw Dan for the first time. He is young and kind of short. He dresses poorly because he in fact- is poor. For now. But what separated Dan from us, is that he has piercings everywhere. I am not sure how many exactly, but he has huge gauges in his ears, piercings through his cheeks, lips, nose, eyebrows...metal sticking up everywhere. All of these piercings draw attention to him. I found myself sneaking glances at him when I thought he wasn't looking.
And what do you suppose I was thinking as I viewed him initially? I was thinking how stupid that looked, how a kid like this ever thought he was going to get a job looking like that, and to be honest... he kind of scared me a little bit.
Now all of that thinking of mine was validated as I listened to others talk about him. In fact, they made a lot of cruel and disparaging remarks about Dan. They judged him on his appearance. Just as I did.
Over the intervening months I have had an opportunity to listen to Dan many times. He is reasonably smart and emotionally aware and intelligent. I was baffled. I didn't get who he was. Smart people just don't do what Dan does. That is my faulty belief system in action. Until one day, we talked for a few hours. When I say "talk" what that really means is that Dan talked and I listened intently. I wanted to understand.
I queried Dan at great length about his childhood and listened. And what do you suppose he told me? Go ahead and think about this for a minute. *play Jeopardy tune in head
In broadstrokes, Dan may have been emotionally abandoned as a child. He did not feel connected or loved. He felt marginalized and unimportant. Not worthy of attention. And as he grew and acquired those belief systems that we acquire, he began to believe he wasn't as good as other kids, he didn't measure up to the other people in his life. And the only attention he received, was negative attention. And that was better than no attention at all.
And because those are his perceptions that then becomes his truth. It is true.
And you see, those piercings give him an identity. They say "Hey, look at me!" "I exist, I am nuts, and I do things like this!" And in that way, Dan's ego has claimed an identity. A sort of fearless, crazy, middle finger to the world identity, which for now has satisfied his emotional needs.
At the surface, he celebrates what he has done to his body. Deep down, the real Dan may be scared and unsure whether or not he has value or has used the appropriate tactics. I want to hug him every time I see him. Why? Because I got a glimpse of what it is or what is was... to be Dan. Not some assumption or judgment based on a superficial view after a brief or casual glance as he entered a room. All Dan craves is to be loved, to be needed, to be listened to. The same things we all want. To have value, to be understood.
He just tries harder than most of us.
Guys like Dan have forced me to examine myself and these ridiculous belief systems that I have. This unconscious ego of mine that says that it's ok to draw assumptions about people based on scant evidence. It is ridiculous and insane.
Last year, I pierced both ears. My ego demanded that I do it. I wear Fleur de Lis earrings for my beloved rebirth and love of New Orleans and the Saints. The reviews? Not so good. For a macho guy that spent all of his life confronting, overcoming, and wrestling bad guys... this is just too inconceivable to the people that know me. They think I am stupid or just plains nuts. It doesn't fit that neo conservative hard knocker assumption they had of me. You see, they make the same assumptions that I always have. We all got raised in the same classroom. I can't wait until my father sees them. Probably carve me out of the will.
In the end, I find that Dan is not much different than all of us. That Dan fears an invisible existence based on what he has perceived so far. Dan has learned that society bases it's opinions on superficial assumptions. That's too bad. That he has learned not to do the same based on that experience, gives him a leg up on a lot of folks.
You can learn a lot about yourself courtesy of guys like dan. Or not. It's all up to you.
Have you ever found yourself involved in a conversation with someone that you disagreed with, or perhaps didn't like their verbal delivery method, and thus decided that this person had no value? Or made some decision that they were superior or inferior to you intellectually?
I cannot speak for anyone reading here so let me raise my hand and say, "Yes, I have done all of that ridiculous judging and thus assuming. That I intuitively think I know who you are based on some of the slightest information, a brief snapshot or moment in time, or your appearance."
Do you know how insane that is? How incredibly stupid, childish, and ego driven that is?
I do.
Let me furnish an excellent, albeit extreme, example.
About 6 months ago, I saw Dan for the first time. He is young and kind of short. He dresses poorly because he in fact- is poor. For now. But what separated Dan from us, is that he has piercings everywhere. I am not sure how many exactly, but he has huge gauges in his ears, piercings through his cheeks, lips, nose, eyebrows...metal sticking up everywhere. All of these piercings draw attention to him. I found myself sneaking glances at him when I thought he wasn't looking.
And what do you suppose I was thinking as I viewed him initially? I was thinking how stupid that looked, how a kid like this ever thought he was going to get a job looking like that, and to be honest... he kind of scared me a little bit.
Now all of that thinking of mine was validated as I listened to others talk about him. In fact, they made a lot of cruel and disparaging remarks about Dan. They judged him on his appearance. Just as I did.
Over the intervening months I have had an opportunity to listen to Dan many times. He is reasonably smart and emotionally aware and intelligent. I was baffled. I didn't get who he was. Smart people just don't do what Dan does. That is my faulty belief system in action. Until one day, we talked for a few hours. When I say "talk" what that really means is that Dan talked and I listened intently. I wanted to understand.
I queried Dan at great length about his childhood and listened. And what do you suppose he told me? Go ahead and think about this for a minute. *play Jeopardy tune in head
In broadstrokes, Dan may have been emotionally abandoned as a child. He did not feel connected or loved. He felt marginalized and unimportant. Not worthy of attention. And as he grew and acquired those belief systems that we acquire, he began to believe he wasn't as good as other kids, he didn't measure up to the other people in his life. And the only attention he received, was negative attention. And that was better than no attention at all.
And because those are his perceptions that then becomes his truth. It is true.
And you see, those piercings give him an identity. They say "Hey, look at me!" "I exist, I am nuts, and I do things like this!" And in that way, Dan's ego has claimed an identity. A sort of fearless, crazy, middle finger to the world identity, which for now has satisfied his emotional needs.
At the surface, he celebrates what he has done to his body. Deep down, the real Dan may be scared and unsure whether or not he has value or has used the appropriate tactics. I want to hug him every time I see him. Why? Because I got a glimpse of what it is or what is was... to be Dan. Not some assumption or judgment based on a superficial view after a brief or casual glance as he entered a room. All Dan craves is to be loved, to be needed, to be listened to. The same things we all want. To have value, to be understood.
He just tries harder than most of us.
Guys like Dan have forced me to examine myself and these ridiculous belief systems that I have. This unconscious ego of mine that says that it's ok to draw assumptions about people based on scant evidence. It is ridiculous and insane.
Last year, I pierced both ears. My ego demanded that I do it. I wear Fleur de Lis earrings for my beloved rebirth and love of New Orleans and the Saints. The reviews? Not so good. For a macho guy that spent all of his life confronting, overcoming, and wrestling bad guys... this is just too inconceivable to the people that know me. They think I am stupid or just plains nuts. It doesn't fit that neo conservative hard knocker assumption they had of me. You see, they make the same assumptions that I always have. We all got raised in the same classroom. I can't wait until my father sees them. Probably carve me out of the will.
In the end, I find that Dan is not much different than all of us. That Dan fears an invisible existence based on what he has perceived so far. Dan has learned that society bases it's opinions on superficial assumptions. That's too bad. That he has learned not to do the same based on that experience, gives him a leg up on a lot of folks.
You can learn a lot about yourself courtesy of guys like dan. Or not. It's all up to you.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Drawing the Short Straw
I haven't posted on the site in awhile. Not for lack of material, but because of travel and web connectivity. Sometimes life just gets in the way of my writing.
I've wanted to write this piece for quite some time. It's about an observation that I have made. I find it absolutely fascinating. But please read it all the way through before arriving at any conclusions.
The single greatest asset, skill, that I have acquired is my ability to listen and evaluate precisely what someone is trying to say to me. While I have always had some skill in this area, listening was often only connected to my old line of work. And I must admit, I did far too much talking to be an effective listener. Effective listening occurs when you devote all of your energy to hearing, evaluating as you listen to what you have just been told and why. I have made an enormous leap in this arena. And effective listening brings about fatigue; far more so than talking.
For the past year or so, I have had the opportunity to work with several men from prison. That these men have committed various serious crimes goes without saying. That virtually all of those crimes involved alcohol and drugs is by no means- earth shattering either.
It was during the course of last year that I made a startling observation.
But please allow me to set the table appropriately. Many of these men are fairly rational and some are quite intelligent. They vary in age and some have college degrees. I cannot claim the intellectual high ground here and even if I attempted that feat, it would be flawed and of dubious value to the point I am about to make anyway.
What distinguishes me from my prison counterparts? Luck.
Huh? You see, most of these men drew the short straw. They were not born to Ward and June Cleaver. They were not born into loving households where both parents loved each other and stayed together through thick and thin. Most of these men came from all kinds of abusive situations. Single parent families. Abandonment. Mothers, fathers checked out on drugs and alcohol. Verbal abuse and shame. Some were physically abused. Others were sexually abused. And the extent of this abuse did not occur here and there during a few petty arguments. It wasn't limited to a an isolated scolding or a spanking. It was pretty much a daily fixture in their lives.
In fact, a few of the men that I work with thought that abusive and dysfunctional behavior was not only normal or perhaps marginally acceptable, but that they engaged in the same practices with their own children. They establish faulty and unconscious belief systems that they accept as true based on the only experience that they have- that which they learned as children at home.
Some of them think striking their children or shaming them is appropriate discipline. And thus they continue to pass along the same faulty belief systems.
As simple as that sounds, that is hardly rocket science either. Nor is it the revelation that I want to discuss.
Now while I am far from perfect, I must admit that the straw I drew was longer than those of the men I have been working with. I was luckier than they were.
Now you'd think that by the time these men went to prison, it might occur to them that society was sending them a message. Your conduct is unacceptable. You must change the way you live your life. That message sounds pretty simple and accompanied by a jail cell you'd think they would get that memo. In fact, you might presume they might even be a little humble.
Not so. Not by a long shot. In fact, once they exit prison they revert to the only thing they know. Many of those that I try to help actually criticize my actions or blame me for their failings. Now I understand that type of victim thinking but what I marvel at is their inability to examine and change those faulty belief systems that were installed in them.
It's not that they are stupid. They simply don't know anything else. They have never been shown love or kindness, tolerance or understanding. They distrust virtually everyone.
I don't get angry with that because I understand it. But just how do you convince someone that they have an operating system that doesn't work anymore?
I'm not sure you can.
They have cognitive change classes in prison but these guys were imprinted with some very faulty belief systems and they cling to them for survival. They may survive with those beliefs but they cannot thrive. If they cannot grasp the enormity of those faulty belief systems they cling to.. they are doomed to repeat the same mistakes that landed them in prison in the first place.
Remember that flashy thingy they used to erase peoples' memories in the movie, "Men in Black?" I need that thing desperately.
Here's the good news. Cognitive change is in fact... the answer. The faulty belief systems of the men and women in prison are the direct result of the poor parenting that they received as children. Exceptions to this rule are rare. It is as simple as that. They drew the short straw. I get it.
So how do we convince these people that they are as potentially good and useful as anyone? How do we convince them to eliminate those faulty beliefs and install a new and updated operating system and get rid of that Commodore 64 system they are using? How do we eliminate ego and do this without diminishing them or claiming that we are intellectually superior?
That is the conundrum. But I'll tell you what. If I ever figure out how to do that, I am gonna set the prison system on it's ear. I am gonna walk thru that gate with a handful of straws that are about 3 feet long and say, "It's time to redraw, boys and girls."
I've wanted to write this piece for quite some time. It's about an observation that I have made. I find it absolutely fascinating. But please read it all the way through before arriving at any conclusions.
The single greatest asset, skill, that I have acquired is my ability to listen and evaluate precisely what someone is trying to say to me. While I have always had some skill in this area, listening was often only connected to my old line of work. And I must admit, I did far too much talking to be an effective listener. Effective listening occurs when you devote all of your energy to hearing, evaluating as you listen to what you have just been told and why. I have made an enormous leap in this arena. And effective listening brings about fatigue; far more so than talking.
For the past year or so, I have had the opportunity to work with several men from prison. That these men have committed various serious crimes goes without saying. That virtually all of those crimes involved alcohol and drugs is by no means- earth shattering either.
It was during the course of last year that I made a startling observation.
But please allow me to set the table appropriately. Many of these men are fairly rational and some are quite intelligent. They vary in age and some have college degrees. I cannot claim the intellectual high ground here and even if I attempted that feat, it would be flawed and of dubious value to the point I am about to make anyway.
What distinguishes me from my prison counterparts? Luck.
Huh? You see, most of these men drew the short straw. They were not born to Ward and June Cleaver. They were not born into loving households where both parents loved each other and stayed together through thick and thin. Most of these men came from all kinds of abusive situations. Single parent families. Abandonment. Mothers, fathers checked out on drugs and alcohol. Verbal abuse and shame. Some were physically abused. Others were sexually abused. And the extent of this abuse did not occur here and there during a few petty arguments. It wasn't limited to a an isolated scolding or a spanking. It was pretty much a daily fixture in their lives.
In fact, a few of the men that I work with thought that abusive and dysfunctional behavior was not only normal or perhaps marginally acceptable, but that they engaged in the same practices with their own children. They establish faulty and unconscious belief systems that they accept as true based on the only experience that they have- that which they learned as children at home.
Some of them think striking their children or shaming them is appropriate discipline. And thus they continue to pass along the same faulty belief systems.
As simple as that sounds, that is hardly rocket science either. Nor is it the revelation that I want to discuss.
Now while I am far from perfect, I must admit that the straw I drew was longer than those of the men I have been working with. I was luckier than they were.
Now you'd think that by the time these men went to prison, it might occur to them that society was sending them a message. Your conduct is unacceptable. You must change the way you live your life. That message sounds pretty simple and accompanied by a jail cell you'd think they would get that memo. In fact, you might presume they might even be a little humble.
Not so. Not by a long shot. In fact, once they exit prison they revert to the only thing they know. Many of those that I try to help actually criticize my actions or blame me for their failings. Now I understand that type of victim thinking but what I marvel at is their inability to examine and change those faulty belief systems that were installed in them.
It's not that they are stupid. They simply don't know anything else. They have never been shown love or kindness, tolerance or understanding. They distrust virtually everyone.
I don't get angry with that because I understand it. But just how do you convince someone that they have an operating system that doesn't work anymore?
I'm not sure you can.
They have cognitive change classes in prison but these guys were imprinted with some very faulty belief systems and they cling to them for survival. They may survive with those beliefs but they cannot thrive. If they cannot grasp the enormity of those faulty belief systems they cling to.. they are doomed to repeat the same mistakes that landed them in prison in the first place.
Remember that flashy thingy they used to erase peoples' memories in the movie, "Men in Black?" I need that thing desperately.
Here's the good news. Cognitive change is in fact... the answer. The faulty belief systems of the men and women in prison are the direct result of the poor parenting that they received as children. Exceptions to this rule are rare. It is as simple as that. They drew the short straw. I get it.
So how do we convince these people that they are as potentially good and useful as anyone? How do we convince them to eliminate those faulty beliefs and install a new and updated operating system and get rid of that Commodore 64 system they are using? How do we eliminate ego and do this without diminishing them or claiming that we are intellectually superior?
That is the conundrum. But I'll tell you what. If I ever figure out how to do that, I am gonna set the prison system on it's ear. I am gonna walk thru that gate with a handful of straws that are about 3 feet long and say, "It's time to redraw, boys and girls."
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Expectations
They tell this story in New Orleans.
During Hurricane Katrina, the police came by a house in the 9th ward and asked the family to evacuate. They refused saying, "God will save us." As they crawled onto their rooftop to escape the 6 feet deep water, the Coast Guard came by in a boat and offered rescue to the panic stricken family. They refused, and said, "God will save us." As the house began to tremble and shake and started to move from it's foundation a helicopter rescue appeared. Once again, the family refused help by stating, "God will save us."
Eventually the house was swept away and the entire family drowned. They met St. Peter at the pearly gates to heaven. They were disappointed and angry. They told St. Peter that they trusted that God would save them, yet he did not. They had all perished.
St. Peter looked at the family and replied, "I understand. But we sent the cops, the coast guard, and an army helicopter. What more could we have done?"
During Hurricane Katrina, the police came by a house in the 9th ward and asked the family to evacuate. They refused saying, "God will save us." As they crawled onto their rooftop to escape the 6 feet deep water, the Coast Guard came by in a boat and offered rescue to the panic stricken family. They refused, and said, "God will save us." As the house began to tremble and shake and started to move from it's foundation a helicopter rescue appeared. Once again, the family refused help by stating, "God will save us."
Eventually the house was swept away and the entire family drowned. They met St. Peter at the pearly gates to heaven. They were disappointed and angry. They told St. Peter that they trusted that God would save them, yet he did not. They had all perished.
St. Peter looked at the family and replied, "I understand. But we sent the cops, the coast guard, and an army helicopter. What more could we have done?"
Friday, July 23, 2010
Al Lee Utters His Opinion
I came across this line and I just had to snip it from an online career piece. I'd like you to examine this statement...
Our society values something practical -- that's why poetry isn't popping up on the top of the list," said Al Lee, director of quantitative analysis at PayScale. "As in the past, engineering and [similar] fields with a strong math component plus a physical world component remain on the top, with lots of money to be made in these fields."
So let's dissect this belief ridden statement which of course is an opinion and hardly a statement of fact. That Al Lee, a director of quantitative analysis, uttered it- gives it additional credibility.
Al purports to speak for all of society as he sees it. He sees engineering and similar fields as practical and useful. Does that mean that all other fields are "less than?" Perhaps. His statement certainly makes that inference. Certainly in the context of making more money.
Is making gobs of money the only thing that matters? Unfortunately in a greedy and forever wanting society, Al Lee may be right- given his audience.
Years ago I was introduced to Robert Frost's poetry. It is beautiful. I have read a lot of it. In fact, I am going to say that Robert Frost may have enriched my life far more than any feat of engineering. That his poetry is so beautiful and timeless and as yet un rivaled (certainly open to debate) tells me that people like Frost are few and far between. Oh so...rare. Extremely hard to come by...far more so than an out of work engineering graduate. We have thousands of those.
That Al Lee values his opinion is obvious. That most people value it may also be obvious. Regurgitating something everyone already knows, well that's just redundant. Ego driven and exclusionary. Heaven on earth is only available to those people who make gobs of money and do something useful and practical. Is that the operative belief here?
Since Al Lee compared his field to that of poetry and thus poets, I shall end this piece with one of many quotes by Robert Frost- not an engineer but certainly a genius in his own right. Al Lee- there's always something to learn.
Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't, and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.
-Robert Frost
Our society values something practical -- that's why poetry isn't popping up on the top of the list," said Al Lee, director of quantitative analysis at PayScale. "As in the past, engineering and [similar] fields with a strong math component plus a physical world component remain on the top, with lots of money to be made in these fields."
So let's dissect this belief ridden statement which of course is an opinion and hardly a statement of fact. That Al Lee, a director of quantitative analysis, uttered it- gives it additional credibility.
Al purports to speak for all of society as he sees it. He sees engineering and similar fields as practical and useful. Does that mean that all other fields are "less than?" Perhaps. His statement certainly makes that inference. Certainly in the context of making more money.
Is making gobs of money the only thing that matters? Unfortunately in a greedy and forever wanting society, Al Lee may be right- given his audience.
Years ago I was introduced to Robert Frost's poetry. It is beautiful. I have read a lot of it. In fact, I am going to say that Robert Frost may have enriched my life far more than any feat of engineering. That his poetry is so beautiful and timeless and as yet un rivaled (certainly open to debate) tells me that people like Frost are few and far between. Oh so...rare. Extremely hard to come by...far more so than an out of work engineering graduate. We have thousands of those.
That Al Lee values his opinion is obvious. That most people value it may also be obvious. Regurgitating something everyone already knows, well that's just redundant. Ego driven and exclusionary. Heaven on earth is only available to those people who make gobs of money and do something useful and practical. Is that the operative belief here?
Since Al Lee compared his field to that of poetry and thus poets, I shall end this piece with one of many quotes by Robert Frost- not an engineer but certainly a genius in his own right. Al Lee- there's always something to learn.
Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't, and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.
-Robert Frost
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